Family feuds

[Gardinia]

Anyone got any advice if you're stuck in the middle of a family feud? My sister and her daughter are currently feuding with several members of the family and there is an expectation I will take sides, which I have always refused to get involved in the gossip and backfire. It has been my birthday recently and as I live some way away I decided to ask my family to come along to a family gathering, including the warring factions... the only thing is the warring faction, the one with the issue is my sister and her daughter. The one's they dislike and are trying to ignore and persuade everyone else to dislike is aware they are not liked but haven't made an issue out of it and would gladly be friendly with them.... I feel stuck in the middle, like I don't want to tell the family members they dislike that the reason why they haven't come is because they dislike them. I am wondering how long a grudge can last, because this has been going on for months now and earlier in the year my sister stopped talking to me and started ignoring me because I was friends with someone else she doesn't like either and who she has written off... all extended family members or rather ex partners of other family members. The reality is, it is causing so much division and it is all unnecessary. Needless to say my sister and daughter backed out of the family gathering because the one they don't like is going to be there and have tried to contact me separately to arrange a separate outing..... finally today I told my niece today when she started goign on about the other person they both don't like, I just told them straight that I am fed up of all the family feuds and all the divisions. She seemed a bit taken aback as she doesn't see it like this, but what else is it, if they are cutting off other people and asking others to take sides........ I wish they would just grow up and act like adults and stop being so critical and judgemental of others........ Anyone know how to fix this? I'm still going ahead with my family gathering with the members of the family they dislike and are feuding with but I feel disinclined to meet with my sister separately now, as it will be like walking on egg shells as I ama friendly with all the people she has cut off and is feuding with.

You invited your whole family and they are the ones who have decided not to come. So it's a bit off if they then start to say you are siding with other people.

What is the feud about?

You've invited them, they don't want to come. That's their decision; leave 'em to it. Enjoy your party!

The reason my sister and niece have gone against this family member is basically because they don't approve of them and don't like them following some issues last year. There are mental health issues involved and the situation is complex but she is a good person who is currently suffering immensely because of her tragic situation,,, I don't want to go into the specifics. I know a lot more about this lady than my siblings - she has suffered from abuse in the past. So what they see on the surface is a person who in their opinion has brought everything on herself and doesn't deserve help etc and because they have taken this stance they have blocked her.... I actually thought their actions were like bullying in a way, and knowing the personal tragedy she has suffered I feel very protective of her. She is a really nice person who is and has gone through a really rough time and not had an easy life. My sister stopped talkign to me earlier in the year because she saw I had liked something on a Facebook page of someone else she doesn't like and has blacklisted. My sister stopped answering texts, refused to meet up and just told my mum how unhappy she was with me having this person as a friend on Facebook. My sister refuses to discuss anything openly with me at all, so it can never be resolved. A few years ago it was my brother's girlfriend she took a dislike to and that rift has never fully healed. There are other family members who have also made it into my sister's black list. The thing is, it means we can never ever have a normal family gathering any more because she and my neice dislike and have blacklisted so many other people in the family.... they want everything separate because they no longer like or approve of them, or want anything to do with them. I guess I am fortunate that I am still in the good books for the time being and they will see me, albeit separately from everyone else they don't like.

However the advice of just accepting they didn't want to come to the party because of their issues, was good advice. I know I have to just accept that this is the way they are... I guess I want to reconcile the rifts, but if they don't want to do that, then there isn't a fat lot I can do about it. I feel less inclined now to see my neice and sister because it is like walking on egg shells as I will be feeling like I have to defend all the people they will backbite about..... I am a very direct person and will tell my sister and niece straight how it is, which then makes them defensive. My mum says I should say nothing, but I don't like standing by whilst they hurt others by their behavior . It then makes me feel like a piggy in the middle and like I have to defend and justify why I like people they don't....I find it all quite stressful, so am just going to live my life now and forget about them and let them get on with it.

It sounds messy and you're right to not take sides. I don't think you can fix the feud just try and keep out of it. If your sister and niece have decided to attend then so be it. They both sound petty and childish.