Sex drive completely gone after baby

[GimmeeCaffeine]

Hi all.

I’m a mum to a four month old DD. My sex drive was killed stone dead at about 25 weeks of pregnancy and is yet to return. DP and I haven’t had sex since I was 25 weeks pregnant, so the best part of 7/8 months.

My sex drive has never been all THAT high (once a week was enough for me) but now it’s non-existent. I don’t even like DP kissing or hugging me as I worry it will lead to sex.

I think my reluctance/lack of desire to have sex is made of several things; one is just good old fashioned tiredness! When I’m in bed the first thing I wanna do is sleep! Another thing is that I HATE my PP body. I didn’t gain all that much weight during pregnancy (less than a stone), but I am covered in stretch marks and have loose skin on my belly. I worry DP will find me repulsive (although there’s no reason why he should, he’s a loving, affectionate partner who has never been unkind). Thirdly, I tore quite badly during birth and required a fair few stitches. It’s healed well and it all looks normal down there, but I get occasional pain even if I’m just sitting down or using the toilet, so I’m terrified sex will be very painful.

DP has been wonderfully patient and hasn’t pressured me at all, but he must be feeling frustrated and it’s unfair of me to expect him to stay in a sexless relationship (we’re only in our mid 20s), but I can’t see my sex drive returning any time soon . We still have a good relationship and he’s a great dad to DD. We have a laugh and I still love him, but I just don’t want to have sex! I worry that this change will be permanent.

Did anyone else completely lose their libido during sex? Did it come back?

Thanks!

Sorry, I can’t give you any advice but watching with interest as mine still hasn’t come back and my baby is 18 months old now...

@FinTutuola thanks! I hope we can both get some useful advice/reassurance!

I wouldn't worry since four months isn't really that long and babies are tiring. It's perfectly normal to just want to collapse in bed and sleep!
After my first birth (which was horrible) it took me more than two years to show any enthusiasm for sex. I just felt really broken. Things did get back to normal eventually and my DH was very very patient. We talked about it but I just needed lots of time to get used to all the change in our life.
Second time round the birth was easier and it only took around three months. But with two small kids we definitely are not like we used to be!

I used to want sex 4 or 5 times a week pre baby now it's once a week at most. My dp is starting to put a lot of pressure on about this and it's upsetting tbh.
I had a nasty birth too, and a lot of stitches and surgery. So I also feel very uncomfortable in all out two positions and dp complains a bit. Which has the opposite impact on my sex drive!!
I work full time and have my 1 year old son full time when not at work, he's an evil sleeper and I'm exhausted.
Just realised all of the above isn't helpful! But I massively feel for you.
Are you breastfeeding? I am. And apparently that hits your sex drive. I'm stopping this year at some point so fingers crossed it might help

18month old DS2, my sex drive went in early pregnancy and not returned. We have had size maybe 5 times since he was born. I am just so exhausted all of the time, and hate my body

Same here, a year pp. again, I never had a high sex drive but I think Breast feeding does affect the libido. Mine is slowly coming back as I try to wean dd off breastfeeding

Thanks all. I’m not breastfeeding. I did for the first eight weeks but then had to stop due to medication I was prescribed. I thought stopping breastfeeding may make my libido come back, but it hasn’t yet

Mine took months to recover and even then wasn’t what it had been.

For me, apart from the exhaustion and feeling a bit crap physically, I found it very difficult to reconcile my new role as “mother” with my existing role as partner/lover. Having sex seemed wrong somehow when there was this tiny, almost holy (to me), baby in the house. It was a very unexpected reaction- I wouldn’t consider myself religious or prudish at all. But I couldn’t help it.

DP was great. Totally let me set the pace. We started back to just having time one on one- dinner, chat, cuddling up to movies, handholding, kisses etc- just being grown-ups in love stuff. it was lovely. Then gradually moved on from there.

Even after the first time post-birth it took a while for me to want to do it again but over time things have picked up. We now make an effort to have a proper “date night” (hate that phrase) once a month at least where we scrub up nicely and either cook a nice meal or go out.

It’s really helped as it allows us to step back in to just being two individuals who get on great and fancy each other rather than co-workers sharing the slog of parenting!

But the DC are now 5 and 3 so it’s easier to manage than when we were in the baby trenches.

You’ll get there. Just take your time. If your DP is a decent man he’ll support and cherish you through that.

I think this is completely normal and it just takes time. I didn’t have sex at all either of my pregnancies (well, tried once and that was enough to put me off ever trying again!). And then after my first we didn’t until she was 7 months, so that was a year and a half of no sex. We were both just exhausted and I was not interested. I think it took until each was about a year or 2 to start feeling anything like myself again. It’s pretty normal. As long as you are patient and stay connected in other ways, it will come back if your relationship is otherwise solid.

I’m almost at 5 months and still can not be bothered just not interested at all for a number of reasons. Tbh OH isn’t even making an effort to even be affectionate so he ain’t getting none even when I am back to normal.

Never recovered for me and DH. I lost interest for a while and then due to that, he did. It’s a rarity now

I’m still waiting three years later.

This thread makes me a bit sad as I get hassled for once a week as its not enough... I'm echusted n have no drive