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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did anyone watch "I am Nicola" last night??

23 replies

Tamrastarr · 24/07/2019 16:27

If you didn't, it was about a controlling relationship. I watched it and it was me!! Not me, but so like my relationship. The only difference is that I have been with my OH much longer and we have 2 kids. I was watching with OH and was expecting him to say something as the way the guy on the programme was with his partner was so like the way my OH is with me. But all he said was "He's annoying" and "This is crap". I think I know that my relationship is bad but to see it played out on TV was unnerving. Not sure why I felt the need to share this, but I just did

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 24/07/2019 16:35

I've just read a 5* review of this in The Guardian and plan to watch it tonight.

It must have been incredibly odd to watch your own life like that. Shame your OH didn't realise he was on screen.

Are you planning to stay with him?

demolitionduo · 24/07/2019 16:42

I watched it. It resonated loudly with me too. Quite uncomfortable to watch but has definitely made me think.

Original poster

Tamrastarr · 24/07/2019 17:17

I've been with him for 25 years! I have left him before but them he will do everything to get me back, begging, promising to change, saying he will do anything. I go back and within a few days, it is back to his normal, controlling self. I think I have just gotten used to living like this

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 24/07/2019 17:18

Sorry that you’re in an abusive relationship. Please seek help to leave, permanently, especially if you have DC, as if you do his behaviour and your staying will have been very harmful to them too.

HollowTalk · 24/07/2019 18:01

Sorry, OP, but you have to take some responsibility for your own life here. Is it really better to stay with him than to be without him?

Knackeredmommy · 24/07/2019 18:10

I did, it was very good. I was shouting at the TV.

crappyday2018 · 24/07/2019 20:35

I just watched it!

Sima1415 · 24/07/2019 22:55

I watched it and it was like watching my life. I left my relationship which was exactly like this if not worse 10 weeks ago. I too have been back and forward i don't know how many times. I don't know how many times I've heard how he's so sorry he has a problem and that he's going to change. It never does and it never will.

Bexsda · 25/07/2019 00:49

Never been on here before, but same watching this made me realise my life is the same but with 2 children to look after! I guess you get used to it and go with the easy life x

Shoxfordian · 25/07/2019 05:55

You should leave him properly and don't go back if this is your relationship

thepeopleversuswork · 25/07/2019 06:08

Only watched the first part, but I also found it very unsettling, having been in a controlling and eventually abusive relationship and recognising quite a lot of this. Beautifully directed and acted and all credit to those involved.

I think what's frightening and effective about it is it shows not the full blown version of domestic abuse which everyone knows about but how it starts and its often very low level and masquerades as concern, love and romance. Most women have been with someone at some point with a degree of this and it takes a lot of guts and self-esteem to be able to tell the difference between control and "romantic jealousy" and to call it for what it is.

Many of these traits are packaged to us as part and parcel of a romantic relationship and the way a bloke shows love for a woman. We need to do a lot of work on ourselves as a society to unpick this and I reckon we should make GCSE-level girls watch this at school.

EleanorReally · 25/07/2019 06:12

I also read the 5* review and plan to watch

nannytothequeen · 26/07/2019 23:55

I found it unsettling too, although the circumstances of my relationship were very different. My ex used to control me through his moods. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I wanted to do was belittled or stopped. i felt like a cooking and cleaning machine. Also her accent is my accent and we also share a name! (Outing!)

orangesun35 · 27/07/2019 00:00

Hiya l did watch it.it was very interesting.if that you get out it’s as simple as that

dontfluffthefluffer · 27/07/2019 00:05

I plan to watch it when I'm on my own. Have read about it and it seems it will resonate with me so I wouldn't feel comfortable watching it with others around.

orangesun35 · 27/07/2019 00:07

I was in a relationship like this for a couple of years and l was a mess walking on eggshells.l done what he said for a easy life etc. But could not stand it in the end.thats not love like she said in the program.its not it’s about control.you only get one life .dont be unhappy you will never ever get them years back. You know deep in your soul it’s not right best of luck don’t waste your life .

burninglikefire · 27/07/2019 07:28

Hi, I watched it and it really resonated with my relationship. I didn't get out for ages - married for over 25 years before I left about 5 years ago, but still haven't got up the nerve for the battle of sorting out any legal stuff re divorce/money.

When we were together I often doubted whether I had read a situation appropriately - probably due to being told often, and at length, that I was in the wrong. It was very affirming to see the sometimes subtle(?) controlling treatment of Nicola's partner, knowing that this was a drama about a controlling relationship.

There are still many things I need to sort out, but life is so much better now.

Original poster

Tamrastarr · 29/07/2019 10:10

Thank you for your replies. I know it is not how a relationship should be but sometimes I am just happy when it is ok, so I stick with it. And because of DD. Just this weekend he dug at me for getting my roots coloured as I am on a work trip this week so he insinuates I am doing it for someone else?? Then he started telling me that I dress better in the week for work than I do at the weekend, which is rubbish as I dress quite casually for work, but I said how many people do you see wearing suits at the weekend? When I try and defend myself he tells me that I am jumping down his throat and he will say "what's your problem?" It is very frustrating

OP posts:

Idontwanttotalk · 29/07/2019 10:42

You deserve better than to just stick with the relationship because it's sometimes okay.

Think of the poor example you are setting for your DD. What kind of a relationship will she end up in if she sees this as normal?

hellsbellsmelons · 29/07/2019 10:46

How old are your DC?
You really don't have to put up with this.
But if you want to live the next 25+ years like this then carry on.
And by the way, your DC will be like him or choose a partner like him.
They don't deserve that!
Time to break the cycle of abuse.

GMB2000 · 29/07/2019 10:47

I watched it too after a friend recommended it to me. I was already aware of the manipulation in my relationship. It helped me to see it from the outside. I left him yesterday and haven’t stopped smiling since. I feel like me again! I have a DS too.

bebeboeuf · 29/07/2019 10:49

i saw the guardian review and wanted to watch last night. will definitely be catching up. I wondered if it might be hard to watch as 4 years ago i left controlling / abusive marriage.

Original poster

Tamrastarr · 29/07/2019 11:01

I know you are all right. And I know it must affect my DC. We have an older daughter, that does not live at home, and the last time I left him (after he drunkenly, verbally abused me in front of others) she said I should go back as it was obvious he loved me and he had apologised!! I told her if it had happened to her I would be dragging her home, as would my OH, to be honest. I really do think it is the cycle, and that when he is ok, I breathe a sigh of relief and just get on with it. But my attitude is definitely changing as I don't really care anymore. And I know if anyone treated his daughters the way he treats me, he would want to kill them, but he doesn't seem to see himself as I see him and he makes me think I am mad if I point out his issues

OP posts:

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