DSS (almost 19) dropped out of college a year ago. Since then he has had a few labouring jobs, all of which I (his stepmother, he lives with his mother) have found for him via local FB pages. He hasn’t yet had to search or apply for any jobs himself as I have found them and the employer has taken him on after a quick phone call each time.
Each job has ended increasingly nastily, the first one DSS just called in sick one day and then ghosted the man, the second one DSS ended up in a big argument and quit, this ended up with things being said on social media with my name brought up as his ‘parent’. The most recent one the employer was a bit of a bully and it came to a head with DSS not turning up for work on the first day of a big job. The most recent employer had my details on FB (where I had passed the phone number along), and his wife began messaging constantly and angrily about my stepson and his mother, who I don’t know. It became quite harassing really and I struggled with really bad anxiety for 48 hours straight last week because I was worried about them turning up to our house (they dropped his wages off here once).
I am a child of an alcoholic and have recently recognised my people-pleasing, conflict avoidant, ‘fixing’ tendencies and was able to recognise that I was being triggered to please and ‘fix’ these situations for my stepson but it was beginning to cause a lot of stress. Plus DH and I agreed that it was enabling DSS to not get out there and seek his own jobs.
However, today, DH has proudly called me on his lunch break to say that he was speaking to someone at work and they should be able to give DSS a new labouring position. We have had an argument about it because I feel like DH is oblivious to the anxiety it has caused. Plus if it goes wrong we will be embroiled in the feud again as it is people DH knows.
DH just wants to help his son, i understand that, but would it be so wrong to let him stand on his own two feet this time?
I feel like I have tried to set a boundary for the first time, no more getting involved in DSS’s employment life, but it feels like DH has immediately breached the boundary by embroiling us in it again (and it will be very hard for me to stay out of it because when these jobs go sour that’s all they talk about).
I know it probably sounds like a silly situation, but it feels very big to me. I feel like I’m not really over the situation last week with the angry messages and now we are going headlong into it all over again. I feel quite panicked! Does anyone have any advice, particularly if you are a codependent type yourself?