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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long until it gets better?

9 replies

Jonsnowsghost · 24/07/2019 12:44

I'll try time keep this short. A month ago my OH cheated on me (kissed) and left me for the OW. He blamed me for the fact he kissed her, saying that I was "not close to him" (we did everything together and spoke all day when we weren't together) and that I didnt hug or kiss him - I'm not a particularly tactile person which he knew when we got together - but I would show affection in my own way and always hugged/kissed him back when he did.
All his excuses were easy fixes, and I was willing to work through it and work on our relationship but he absolutely would not give. He claims he wants a "spark and a flame" whereas he thought we were like an old married couple (in my eyes we were very comfortable with each other!)

He said some other half hearted excuses such as he "wasnt that happy" which is so non committal that I don't believe it is true as he gave me no indication that he was unhappy. It took him two days to tell me what had happened and I could tell as his tone of message changed so I would have known if he had any issues before then. He used to get up at 6am with me on weekends to come to my hobby with me!

Anyway the point of this post is that I'm finding it so so difficult to deal with, how do you work through it? I cant believe he upped and left just like that (and did this all over text too...) we have a holiday booked and plans for the future. He is now with this OW and all the sparks that come with it and I'm just finding it so hard to process. I can't stop thinking about how much happier he would be now and what a great time they must be having. I was so happy and it's now all gone, and I miss him so much. Before all this he was such a lovely guy, I would never have thought he could do this to me, it's not him at all. Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Jonsnowsghost · 24/07/2019 12:45

That wasn't short, sorry!

OP posts:
JemimaPuddlePeacock · 24/07/2019 13:09

Did you live together? Seems odd if he ended it via message while cohabiting.

Sadly, people do leave relationships, and if it wasn’t working for him he was right to end it, though he did it very dishonourably by being physical with someone else before leaving. Better than being strung along while someone has an affair for months, but still incredibly painful.

Seems like there were issues in the relationship but you didn’t see them as issues whereas he did, you felt comfortable together whereas he felt it was boring and staid, he didn’t feel physically loved and like you had affection for him while you were okay with the low level of giving affection.

The best way to move on is cut contact if there aren’t any kids. Just block him on everything and it’ll give you chance to heal. You can’t heal while you’re looking at old pictures and messages or seeing what he’s up to online. My foolproof way of getting over being dumped has always been to cut contact 100%, delete reminders and messages, and get busy with my own life and friendships. You will get through this!

Jonsnowsghost · 24/07/2019 13:26

I guess that he could have been feeling this issues but he absolutely didn't give away that he was, I don't know why he didn't just talk to me if he did. We didn't live together but we were speaking about it and I was going to ask him to move in with me in the next few weeks. No kids or anything so it should be easy to cut contact but again I'm finding that very difficult to do, even though I know it's for the best!
We spent so much time together it's like my arm has been cut off, I wish he'd said something instead of behaving like this, it makes it so much more painful.

OP posts:
Twisique · 24/07/2019 13:28

Go on the holiday, have some fun!

1forAll74 · 24/07/2019 13:41

It will get better,when you realise now,that this man is very underhanded,something that you hadn't noticed before. So he has shown his true colours, and the colours are all murky ones.

Jonsnowsghost · 24/07/2019 13:53

He really has shown his true colours. What kind of foundation has he built this new relationship on, when its come from cheating. She knew about me too which makes them both as bad as each other, and makes me feel so much worse that they can be happy together Angry

OP posts:
ImMeantToBeWorking · 24/07/2019 15:04

She is the rebound, he will get bored of her fairly quickly, realise he has made a mistake and come running back to you, when you can kick him to the curb.

Invite a friend on the holiday and suggest that they only have to pay for the name change on his ticket (assuming you have all the booking info - I normally would as I do most of the organising).

Jonsnowsghost · 24/07/2019 16:32

She's not even a rebound, she's an overlap! He has had no chance to even think of our relationship at all. I'm hoping he will as I will have great satisfaction in telling him where to go.
It's just now that I'm feeling so horrendous about what he's done and so low. I do miss him.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 24/07/2019 16:35

You're well rid. All he cares about is his dick. You don't need that in your life.

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