What would you do? Sexless/no affection marriage

[SoUnsettled2]

Hi,

I’m 47, hubby 57. Age gap very obvious now. To be frank, I have no sexual feelings for him and haven’t had for years. When we did have sex he was extremely boring. No foreplay (even though I did it for him) and no kissing (said it affected his asthma)!!! I am a very passionate person. I guess I knew things weren’t right years ago but felt bad about the way I was thinking. We have two kids...15 and 11 (the second conceived by IUI as I couldn’t get pregnant a second time, although no cause found).
We have very little in common and hardly talk. No arguing or nastiness but I just find him totally reading from the wrong page!
I have entered the peri menopause and the last two years have been very difficult for me as my sex drive has gone through the roof!! But, I can’t stand to be near him sexually. He has never been affectionate with me.
I am a very good looking woman (not that I’m bragging) and have other men commenting all the time but he doesn’t, in fact...he criticises if I look nice!! Never compliments!
I feel like I should stay for the children but feel frustrated sexually and emotionally. I worry about when they’re gone and have left the nest.
I’ve been offered a promotion 200 miles away and thinking of taking it and moving on without him. We are almost mortgage free so no financial reasons to stay.
What would you suggest? Stay? Go?

Go but what happens about the kids?

200 miles seems a bit drastic for your family

2 miles would be perfect

I know. That’s the problem but jobs, in my field, are hard to come by

I think you are teetering on the brink of losing your children. I totally get the longing to be 200 miles away from him but please think 100 times before leaving or uprooting children of this age.

It sounds as if the relationship is over for you; by all means start talking to him about ending it. But think of other options.

You really need to ask? GO. You want to waste the rest of your life in this miserable marriage?

You know at that age the children will likely be very difficult to uproot with a 200 move, right?

I agree with Temporary. You don’t need to move 200 miles to leave him. Would you expect your kids to leave their schools and friends and father? Or live without their mother? It sounds like you’d be much better off without him but don’t move 200 miles.

Sorry I’ll sound harsh but you should uproot your children from their father because your not sexually satisfied. Errr no

If need be leave him but can you imagine how sad your children would be that their parents split up and then they are 200 miles apart. 15 years old in particular socialise a lot with friends at weekends, they don’t want to be tracking 200 miles

An affection-less marriage is soul destroying and not worth it but such a large distance move is quite extreme, irrespective of job prospects.

Do consider the possibility that the children might prefer to stay with him, and stay in the social network they have built, rather than move 200 miles with you.

I may not take the job, assume I wasn’t. They have, however, said I can work from home most of the week so I would only travel a couple of days a week

OP,
Firstly, .

I had this with my ex, but the other way around.

I'm (now) 57, and have a (I think) average sex drive, but she didn't seem to have any. We talked about it a lot, but at the end of the day, it simply wasn't going to change for her, so we divorced. However my kids were over 18, so it was much simpler for us.

Do you know how he feels about the lack of intimacy / sex?

If trying to talk to him is a non-starter, then is a divorce something you would consider? It's not going to help now, but longer term you should benefit.

This will get me flamed, I'm sure, but have you considered er going elsewhere for sex?

Do the kids know that the marriage isn't happy?

It sounds to me like you'd benefit from a frank discussion with DH about this. It's not like it'll come as a complete surprise.

That said, it could all be a bit too late, it sounds like this part of your lives has been rotten for an awful long time and that an honest open conversation should have happened years ago.

Moving forwards you perhaps need to think if there is anything that he could do to change this, however unrealistic, and if not to break things off.
If you think that things could improve if he for example spoke to a sex therapist and lost 3 stone/went to the gym regularly or whatever it is then you can put the ball back into his court.

If you aren’t planning on moving home or uprooting the kids then start the ball rolling. Take the job first as getting a bit of space each week may do you some good.