Come on MN - what do we need to discuss before moving in together?

[StVincent]

Been with boyfriend for just over a year and we're looking at places together.It's exciting. But then my years on MN struck me - the number of times I've seen someone say "why didn't you discuss that before you had kids/got married/moved in together" is too many to count.

You're all very wise (obviously) so go on then, please help me prevent future relationship disaster - what should we think about/talk about before making this big move?

All and any issues that have potential for misunderstanding and conflict, ie.
Money. money and money.
Wills and legal stuff including property rights.
Are you both planning and/or expecting to get married and/or have children.If so, when? Are you on the same page?
Wider family expectations and traditions (religious, cultural and plain daft - yorkshire pudding with Christmas dinner or not/) and how they might impact on your relatlionship.

Money.
Household chores.
Whether you will consult each other before inviting guests.
Whether you will consult each other before staying out later than expected.
Whether you are thinking about kids/your expectations if you conceive accidentally.

YY to money - sort that out first, make it clear all bills are 50/50 (or whatever works for you guys)

Division of housework.

and yes - before moving in, I would perhaps like to be re-assured that you share the same goals in life.... eg. both want kids, both hate dogs... etc

have you been to his place. is it tidy. i had an ex who lived with his friend and every week he would take his laundry to his mum to do. no way would I live with a man like that!

Time scales of everything! We discussed that we eventually wanted completely joint accounts, we decided to begin at 50% of income goes in. This was then raised over a few years, untill all money was in one pot.
Ditto children, what's the timeframe (if any). Do you have a 5 year plan together?

Money money money

Housework.

Future plans, including an escape plan.

Pets/pet sitting
Decorating
Housework
Garden work
Guests- friends & relatives
Money
Birth control/children
Careers/further education
Holidays
Food- shopping/cooking

In an ideal world...

What moving in together means to you both... is it just fun/for now/the start of the big forever stuff..

Who is on the tenancy
Money
Housework
Future plans & their impact on both your lives & money
All the stuff re friends over/family staying etc

A time frame to reassess all of these things

In reality... if the place is good for having people over 🍻🍹🍸🍷🥂🍾🍹🥃🍺🍻

As well as all the above life admin who does it, who else has a key to the property eg family. How often will you see each of your family. Where will you put your savings? Will you budget? Good luck moving in and enjoy.

Money
Religion
Political views
Views on contentious subjects eg racism, sexism, etc etc
Children - if snd when, education, parental styles
Housework

MONEY
Household chores/responsibilities
Children
Dealbreakers
Boundaries re: parents/siblings/friends/yourselves.

That just over a year together is too soon to move in together! Biochemically and psychologically you're still in the "rose coloured glasses" phase. Have you even had a long holiday together yet?

Aside from that:

MONEY -

how are you going to split everyday costs?

How are you going to save for emergencies/long term goals?

What if one or both of you loses your job or becomes too ill to work?

What are your current spending habits? Is either or both a spendthrift/gambler/risk taker?

Do you both consider the same things essentials/luxuries?

If you're planning to have DC how will those costs and income changes be covered?

Do either/both of you have current debt?

FAMILY/RELATIONSHIPS

Are you going to marry? Do you both agree on the answer to this? If so when?

What do you class as infidelity?

Are you compatible sexually? (I think it's very hard to know this for sure this early on)

Are you going to have DC? Do you both agree on the answer to this? If so when? If you are so you have similar views on parenting (discipline, schooling etc)

Do you get along with each other's families? Friends? If these people offend/hurt your partner what would your response be?

Do you have similar traditions/ways of living? From mealtimes to what you do at Christmas

Do you have similar views on houseguests/visitors?

CHORES

Do you have similar standards of cleanliness?

Are either/both of you tending to the lazy side on this?

Have you both experience of living away from parents and taking responsibility for chores?

Any potential for sexist division of labour from either?

OPINIONS

Do you roughly share the same opinions on politics, religion, economics, prejudices etc?

If you don't completely agree how do you resolve conflict?

DEALBREAKERS

What are your hard boundaries?

What do consider acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in relation to all the above?

Do you both REALLY want to do it, would be my question? It’s a massive gamble doing it so soon.

Money
Household chores and life admin
Longterm goals
Personal values

I don't think it's too soon to move in together if neither of you have kids already - you can take a punt when it's just you.

I don't think it's too soon OP. If it feels right for you then go for it.

What everyone said above though, money, future goals, division of certain things. All things I'll be discussing with DP next year.

It's not necessarily too soon. My fella and I moved in together after about the months. Always felt right.

I would discuss time. How many nights put apart does each expect to have, how much time running or at the gym, how much on hobbies? Will either begrudge the other going out and getting shitfaced?

How will you deal with in-laws coming to stay?

What housework does he already do? Will you have a chores list or just pitch in? Will he iron your work shirts?

(I may have married the one that ironed my work shirts.)