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Original poster

I am convinced something is up with dp, he tells me it's nothing

27 replies

HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 08:12

have had to namechange

A woman has been popping up on dp's WhatsApp. He does not have it set to pop up so I've only noticed this on the very odd occasion he has shown me something on WhatsApp from someone else. This happened once last year and then again in the last few weeks I've noticed her name again. I confronted dp and he said she was an ex who he is not interested in anymore who has come back to ask for relationship help as she's v unhappy.

I googled her and found 2 possibilities but I wrongly assumed it was one as she is physically v much dp's type (and lives miles away so I thought probably nothing in it).

The other woman actually works at one of our suppliers. I happen to be going to that supplier this week and dropped it into conversation last night (not deliberately) and I could see dp froze. He then picked up his phone while I was talking and was furiously messaging someone.

I desperately desperately want to believe him. But I am now so suspicious. I know a lot of people that work there and could possibly delve and find out but it could also backfire on me. How else could I do this? (I won't get near his phone and he has never proven to be untrustworthy before - right up to last night and the conversation about the supplier, I 100% believed him).

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/07/2019 08:20

Hes hardly being subtle is he? Furiously messaging someone as soon as you said you were visiting where this woman works! I'm surprised you didn't ask to see his phone there and then - if he'd nothing to hide he would have handed it over, surely? In light of your suspicions?

Original poster
HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 08:23

I was just really taken aback I think as even right up to that point, I had put it out of my mind as I hadn't even thought it was her. Think I was just so surprised!

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/07/2019 08:27

If it IS her, he's probably told her to avoid you when you visit. Very difficult for you not knowing either way, but his behaviour re phone is odd.

mindutopia · 23/07/2019 08:31

I would sit him down and explain your concerns and ask to see his phone. Then you’ll (hopefully, if not deleted) know what he wrote and what the nature of their conversations are like. Do you know this person through your work or is it just coincidental that she works for this supplier?

Ilovelala · 23/07/2019 08:31

Make sure to find her and see how she reacts.

Madlove · 23/07/2019 08:42

What do you think he would have been saying in the message?

Original poster
HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 09:09

it's completely coincidental. I don't know her at all. I wouldn't know where she sat etc. so I doubt I could accidentally see her (and she's in a department I'm not involved with). I've only seen a picture of her on linkedin. I'm not on facebook or other social media so I don't know what she might look like now.

I have no idea what he would have been saying. He seemed incredulous that I even knew this supplier (they are quite niche). He's not acting any differently today. I was trying to think if it was innocent, could he have been saying 'can you believe it, my girlfriend's company uses your company' (which I guess is possible) but why would he need to do it so urgently. The only thing that makes me think it might be innocent was how obvious it was. I am kicking myself for not asking straight away.

I just don't want to be taken as a fool here. I could ask again but if he was lying in the first place, he will just lie again.

I was thinking I could go there, then come back and say btw I noticed there was someone called X there (even if I didn't see her, she's quite senior so theoretically someone could have mentioned her) - that's not your ex girlfriend is it? Or something along those lines and see how he reacts...

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 23/07/2019 09:11

Don't play games. Sit him down and tell him the truth about how you feel.

Ask to see his phone there and then.

Original poster
HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 09:15

the problem is blue I have done that once. It was a massive sit down thing last time. When I said I felt uncomfortable that the name was popping up all the time, that I'd seen it last year, that when he was showing me a picture of something on whatsapp and sent it to me, she was top of his most recently contacted list....it was a really long sit down and he was absolutely 100% sure that it was nothing. Trust me. I'm so loyal. I'm with you. I want to be with you. I'm just friends with a lot of my exes, as are you, she's asked for help and I'm going to help her but don't worry about it.

I don't think asking again is going to work because all he is going to do is say the same either way!

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 23/07/2019 09:21

Do a bit more delving. If you confront him again, he's not going to admit to anything is he. It does seem suspicious.

xoxoluna · 23/07/2019 09:27

He's obviously telling her that you're going to the shop.
At this point, I might snoop...

Chocmallows · 23/07/2019 09:40

The difficulty now is that, if he is lying, you cannot shock him into a confession as he knows you are suspicious. He will be prepared for questions and snooping.

I would sit him down and ask for his phone before he covers his tracks.

Scorpiovenus · 23/07/2019 09:43

Ah the fact he has his notifications hidden is a red flag and something in the making. When I was single id have loads of guys talking to me, all day long and it was always flirty and I could tell they wanted something else other than friendship so I used to do the slip on them and disappear a while until they found another target. So normally they do it for some ego boost and attention. I think it makes them feel special or something. The fact that she is a ex is even worse tbh. People talking to exs without children is always a bad idea. Who cares if she is unhappy. Be honest do any of us really care some random ex was down? Not his problem.

The fact he acted like that is all the action you need. If I was you id just leave him before he fcuks you over for it. He is doing something wrong and he knows it. Be strong don’t let this man take the mickey out of you. You cant believe him, Im sorry but its kinda obvious what hes up to. And probably get her to lie for him and say that nothing is happening too.

Original poster
HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 09:45

thanks, yes I think I'm going to have to unfortunately :(

I have just created a fake facebook account. I see she is on there and comes from dp's home town.

I have one person I know well who works for the same company as her (though in a different location) so I might gently probe as I can't see how else I find out this information

or maybe I just accept he's speaking the truth and try and forget about all of this

OP posts:
Original poster
HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 09:49

scorpio I don't see the notifications thing as an issue in itself as I often do that on my phone so whatsapp doesn't pop up at work (then forget to turn it off) but I do take your point.

OP posts:
SomeAfternoonDelight · 23/07/2019 09:51

Ask to see his phone!!! I fucking would! Fuck this sneaking around you see on here, he’s being a sneaky little fuck and you have a right to be supported IF you are just feeling a little worried (which your not)

Idontwanttotalk · 23/07/2019 09:59

Does he go out much by himself? Does he have time to be with another woman?

Something isn't right and I don't think he is going to tell you the answer. You will need to turn detective but I think he will also be more careful now as you have clearly alerted him to your suspicions.

Hanab · 23/07/2019 10:01

Go with your gut instinct .. 9/10 times it is correct 🌷 do what you need to do to get the truth .. if you don’t you won’t have peace of mind

Original poster
HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 10:08

no, he wouldn't have the opportunity easily, not very often

I am going to have to do something you're right re peace of mind.

I am finding this incredibly upsetting truth be told. I don't want this to be too outing but we have just come through a situation where he was incredibly unwell/hospitalised and I've supported him through this all as he's been unable to work (and won't be able to go back to it for a month). He has been extremely grateful for my support, to the point of tears, and tbh if this proves to be 'something', I will be utterly devastated.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/07/2019 10:20

This situation aside, is he usually the type to delete messages?

You're in a bit of a hard spot because he has told you that he's talking to her, and he knows you are suspicious... and he seems to have slipped up a bit with the frantic messaging yesterday. You could either look at his phone or ask to see his phone, but if he's deleted the messages, you'll be no further forward. Likewise if he's using an app that doesn't record history, like Snapchat or Viber.

The only thing that you'd have to go on then would be that he'd bothered to hide the message history, if it's out of character...

Original poster
HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 10:29

I actually don't think he thinks I know she works at this place. The way I raised it was so coincidental (because it genuinely was) that I suspect he is alerted to it but has no way of knowing that I know this woman works there. Her name is extremely common. There is no link from her to him on any social media etc.

It really was a complete coincidence that I mentioned this company. I hadn't realised it could be this woman as I had thought it was the other woman who lived miles away (who he is connected to). It was only his behaviour last night that made me think, hang on a minute.

Re his messaging, I am sure since I raised it last time, if there was anything, he would have deleted it. In fact, he showed me a message from one of his siblings on whatsapp yesterday and her name wasn't on the list so there won't be anything there for me to see now.

OP posts:
raspberryk · 23/07/2019 10:30

If he has nothing to hide, why would you never get near his phone? My dp and i don't keep our phones on our person all the time etc and out passwords are really simple and could be guessed if we didn't actually know each others, which we do. Generally only people with something to hide keep their phones glued to them.

Chocmallows · 23/07/2019 10:33

He's probably archived it. Sit him down ask him to show you WA, then ask to see the archived chats. I think his reaction to the last part will be revealing.

Original poster
HeatwaveBaby · 23/07/2019 10:39

he does leave it lying around, as do i, but I just don't know the password (he doesn't know mine either).

there's no point asking to see it. If it is 'something' it will be hidden, it won't be archived, he would have deleted it (as would I have done in his position if he's hiding something).

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/07/2019 10:42

In fact, he showed me a message from one of his siblings on whatsapp yesterday and her name wasn't on the list so there won't be anything there for me to see now.

Him suddenly deleting conversations with one specific person would have me more suspicious than anything else in this thread. It may well be innocent, but why would he be deleting it if he didn't think that it was either incriminating or very easy to misconstrue?

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