People who had to date ALOT before meeting their husband. Please talk to me :(

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I’m 35...almost. I broke up with someone in January. I know it hasn’t been that long really, but in my life I’ve only had two ‘serious’ relationships. We were young and for the right reasons they ended.

I really really really want to settle down. I do not want to have a family alone, I couldn’t do it.

I date. Since March I have met maybe 30 people and spoken to many more online. I have done all the usual things of meeting again even if I’m not sure to see if it develops. I’ve accepted things I wouldn’t usually see past (for instance I’ve travelled to meet people outside my own city and have been opened minded about different interests etc, all the usual stuff!).

I can’t find anyone I want to be with. I can’t find anyone where I want something to progress with.

I know it hasn’t been that long since January, but before January I had a couple of year long relationships (after the two serious ones), so it does feel like I’ve been dating a long time to find someone who is right for me.

If you dated a lot before finding the right person, please talk to me. I feel really low about it today.

I don't know if this helps or not, but I was in a similar position to you. I had 2 serious (and even then you could question 1) relationships. I dated a lot and was always hoping that one of them would turn into the right one if that makes sense. I carried on going out with people that I new weren't right thinking it was me and maybe I was hard work, and you know "everyone" else manages to make relationships work etc. Anyway non of them were right.

However, I am with the right one now, it was totally unexpected and was someone and we were friends before, if anyone had said this would have happened I wouldn't have believed them. I was so sure I just would never match with anyone.

It will happen - keep dating and getting yourself out there. The chances are you will meet more people you are not compatible with but the right one will come in the end.

I dated LOADS all through my 20s and early 30s. In my 20s I had quite a few boyfriends too and never really considered marriage cos I was too busy having fun.

When I was in my late 20s I met the man I was sure was “the one”. Except we didn’t ever speak about marriage and babies and when we finally did, about 5 years later, we were on totally different pages. We broke up when I was in my early/mid 30s and I was totally heartbroken but knew it was for the right reason. But did have a spiral of doom in thinking there were no other men in the world.

A few other men followed, some of whom were utter douchebags including the man who turned out to be married, and the man I never saw cos he worked such long hours. It seemed utterly hopeless and that I was destined to be the single one forever, flitting between short relationship and not ever really feeling fulfilled.

Then, in my mid-late 30s I met my lovely man. On the second date I thought I’d marry him, a year later we moved in together and 6 months after that I fell pregnant. We will get married after the baby arrives but for us, we wanted to get cracking on a family.

I have stories like this about a number of my friends or friends-of-friends too.

It really does and will work out for you. You’re doing all the right things, just hold in there. There is a lovely man out there for you I promise.

Oh and one final thing - I am SO glad I didn’t compromise on what I wanted. Forever is a long time to be with someone you just settle with.

Hold out for the real deal

Thank you for taking the time to reply!

What do I do then...carry on? Just plough ahead with the dates and chats etc? It feels a bit hopeless at the moment. Almost like a job actually!!!!

Hmmm. You know, it's just that you are in a really tricky place. You know you want kids, and that puts SO much pressure on you and them for it to be to be The One.
It was much easier for me because I already had kids and I was actively looking to date and NOT settle down (we not married but very together) so I was fairly relaxed in terms of seeing where it went.
One thing that may help you is, if you are dating online especially, even if you meet someone up until think you might like don't stop dating other men. Don't put all your eggs in one basket or focus too hard on one guy too early.

And don't drop your standards. Relationships are hard work sometimes. When you have to be a parent with someone it makes life all the harder so if you didn't pick a good man you will have years to regret it!

Approach it as a hobby more than a job! And yes, just date everyone and anyone, but don't get attached. The right one will attach himself, trust me

I never just pin my hopes on one person. The problem is that I never feel like I care whether I see them again!

I did meet one man I really did like but then he moved abroad after our second date (literally offered the job after date one). But he was great and sort of game me hope maybe someone else is out there. I have spoken to and met soooo many people though. I feel like maybe it’s me.

What do I do then...carry on? Just plough ahead with the dates and chats etc? It feels a bit hopeless at the moment. Almost like a job actually!!!!

Oh god, dating definitely feels like a full time job!

Yes, just plough on. My advice would be to only go out with 8/10s and above though, don’t bother going out with those you think you wouldn’t be too bothered about. Then you’ll actually be excited for dates.

Not me but someone I know said to me exactly what you are saying. She was married five months later.

boggles that is really nice to read. I feel like I have heard that a lot though yet it never happens for me. I have started getting really dark thoughts in the middle of the night of just never finding someone. Which gives the impression that I am totally desperate...I am I suppose but at the same time it’s me not wanting to meet again so it’s not like I just want anyone. I want the right one. It feels so hard :(

A few things here.

1. It is easy to fall into the trap of wanting to make every date like you. Focus instead on whether you like them. Don’t try to make them fit when they don’t.

1. You have dating fatigue. Get a hobby, so that you are focused on something else and that dating is a change from other things in your life.

1. Take breaks. If you don’t feel like messaging or seeing anyone then don’t. Wait until you are feeling refreshed and someone messages you that you are actually interested in messaging back!

Same here
My advice is take a break from dating and I mean a year or two. You will change your outlook and not be so caught up in date after date
Also it'll give you time to decide what you really want from a partner and relationship.
I took 2 years off dating, best thing ever
I was emotionally, mentally much more confident and it was easier to know what I truly needed to go for.
I am now engaged and planning a wedding.
I am 36.

I've been on a lot of dates too. I'm not looking to start a family though.

I agree that it's good to have a bit of a break from dating. You can then get some new photos and there will be different people on the dating sites when you go back to them. Also, it makes you a bit more refreshed and enthusiastic.

I've come to the conclusion that it's all down to luck. Hope you find the right one

Same here. I’m on various websites and apps but I can’t even find one remotely interesting or semi decent to date. Amazing that you’ve been able to meet 30!