Misogynist dad

[seahorse85]

Not sure if this is the right place really. Just struggling with a conversation. I had with my dad a few weeks ago. I took him out for a birthday celebration, and we were chatting over a pint. For context my dad is a bit of an ageing hippy. Does the rounds of the folk festivals in his camper can, hates racism, left wing politics etc. We discuss politics and things in general quite often.

I can't remember how we got to talking about the Film "the accused" with Jodie foster. But we did. He said - it's interesting because it explores the relationship between rape and being provocative".

Literally my blood ran cold. Couldn't get my head around it. I didn't say anything because I'd planned a birthday night out for him - and was so shocked - I just feel it's really affected the way I see him. I know he's a different generation, but it's just not who I thought he is. It sure what I'm asking really just can't bring myself to bring it up with him.

Sorry that should have read "hates racism, is very left wing in terms of politics"

Did he mean it the scary way, or was it shorthand for “exploring the issue of how women are treated when the law perceives them to have stepped out of line”?

I admit I’m grabbing at straws here but if it were my dad, I’d be checking to be sure I’d not misinterpreted anything.

@RosaWaiting I'd like to think that was the case - but I'm fairly sure it was the scary one. There have been occasional slips in the past which I've pretended not to notice because I can't bear the thought of him really being.a racist or misogynist. It's just so different from the way I think that I don't know what to do with it really.

I’d talk to him about it but I get that it’s awful.

@seahorse85 Fuck me that's awful. I would find it hard to speak to him after that little gem!

He does realise right, that the woman in the film (Jodie Foster,) was GANG-raped in public, and people watched it and cheered on?

Not like it was a woman being a wee bit flirty, and giving a man the come on, and him trying it on when they are alone coz he thinks his luck's in

(And even THEN by the way, she can still say NO at any fucking time!)

Any man who says 'once a man is riled up and horny you can't stop him,' is a fucking arsehole. (And I have heard men say that!)

@bingbongnoise this is the thing. I think that's how he meant it. And I completely see the film the way you do and share your views 100%. The only thing in his favour is that he's 75 and of a different generation. But how the hell do I reconcile this with my dad. I'm scared to bring it up in case it reveals a whole can of worms.

I guess if you have to bring it up you could say
I was concerned that you said you felt there was a link between rape and being provocative- shown in that film...when the character is actually gang raped in public in the film? What did you mean by that dad? And whatever he says, especially if it is misogynistic, link back to you as a woman so he can really be challenged to think that if you dress in one way or say something flirty does he think it would then be okay for a man to rape you? Etc.

I think that you should overlook his views on this subject, probably due to his age, There are no excuses though,but older people viewed things in different way years ago.

I saw that film many years ago,and the film was making a point really,of men's atrocious behaviour, around a sexy girl,but the film had a good honest ending I think.

My dad held some pretty unpleasant & extreme views. He was older than yours, and by the time he died, all of his five daughters, including me, had gone very low-contact.
He wasn’t prepared to reconsider and thought he was entitled to express his horrible views in front of his grandchildren.

All of us eased away from him as we got older. It was the only way for us.

Thanks for the replies. It's really hard when you think you know someone! It's really affected the way I see him. Maybe I'll find a way to bring the topic up again and explain what it's really about. It's such an outdated and worrying view! I mean I'd like a million pounds but I can control myself enough not to take it!

I do think if he's broadly quite liberal, it's worth discussing with him. Because a lot of this stuff takes a mind shift that, if no one has had those conversations with him, he hasn't had the chance to have.

It is unpleasant, but sometimes you have to remember that people don't all engage with the same tuff. as you do. And if he's usually a sensible, thoughtful person the chances are he just hasn't thought about it.

I have always considered myself a feminist. However, when I think about what form that feminism took 20 years ago vs today, I'm horrified. The things I thought were feminist then I would consider seriously bad now.

That's a really good point. Makes me feel a bit better - yes, when I think back to things my mum used to say to me when I was a teenager - things like - "men have urges" etc! She'd die now if I mentioned it.