Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Do you think he cheated on me?

25 replies

CandyGirl79 · 22/07/2019 23:23

DH and I have been going through a very bad rough patch for about 9 months. We’re working on things but haven’t had sex for a year.

Three years into our relationship we hit a rough patch and he ended up having a ONS with a woman who he met in a club. We worked things out and got married and had children.

On Friday night he went to an impromptu party at a male friend’s house. I know this friend but I don’t know any of his friends. The friend is very successful and attractive and I can imagine he is surrounded by similar people. My husband is also very attractive.

He came home at 5am and was hungover the next day.

I haven’t asked him outright, did you cheat on me? But because of what happened last time I’m just wondering...??

It’s a tricky situation because this last year the problems in our relationship have been brought up by me so I partly feel responsible.

Do you think he cheated and slept with someone else at this (huge, rambling house) party?

OP posts:

Suebnm · 22/07/2019 23:24

Yes, absolutely. He had opportunity and form for cheating before you married.

Speakercube · 22/07/2019 23:27

Not necessarily.

Goodnightchristopherrobin · 22/07/2019 23:28

We wouldn’t know OP, the only one that knows is your DH. Why do you say ‘he’s very attractive’, do you feel that he’s more attractive than you and that’s what’s making you worry? I’m asking as you sound really insecure and that must be really difficult for both of you

Original poster

CandyGirl79 · 22/07/2019 23:31

I think we’re equally as attractive if I’m honest. Although I wouldn’t call myself really attractive! 🤣

I don’t feel insecure. I’m just going through a difficult time generally. And I’m blaming myself for this a bit.

I think the trust has been seriously impacted by what happened last time.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandyGirl79 · 22/07/2019 23:32

I suppose I could just ask him but it will reveal a lack of trust on my part. I’m pretty sure he would tell me the truth.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandyGirl79 · 22/07/2019 23:33

The reason I said he’s very attractive is to illustrate that he has the opportunity.

OP posts:

Bob5 · 22/07/2019 23:34

Has his behaviour changed since the party?

Original poster

CandyGirl79 · 22/07/2019 23:34

A bit. He looks like he wants to say something 😱

OP posts:

booboo24 · 22/07/2019 23:35

Without anything more to go on then I'd have to say no because to say yes would be really destructive and there's no other suspicion is there? If you can't trust him to have a night out with mates, then that must be awful for you to have that constant worry. I've been there and its mind altering. Would you believe him if you asked him and he said no? Would some form of counselling help at all, for you both? Back to the simple answer though, you chose to stay after he cheated, and put it behind you, so really without any other evidence I don't see how you can accuse him just based on this, I'm sure that would set you both back and may do irreparable damage. Of it were me I'd watch and wait a while and see if anything comes to light

Original poster

CandyGirl79 · 22/07/2019 23:38

The only reason he told me last time was because he developed symptoms and went to the STD clinic and was diagnosed with a non STD but I had to get checked too (I was fine).

OP posts:

Original poster

CandyGirl79 · 22/07/2019 23:38

Would you believe him if you asked him and he said no? Probably but not entirely.

OP posts:

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 22/07/2019 23:39

Ask him @CandyGirl79 . You will know from his answer.

Original poster

CandyGirl79 · 22/07/2019 23:40

I’d like to know. But if he says yes then we’re over and I have 2 young children to consider too.

Plus put in the mix that I feel responsible for this.

OP posts:

pinkunicornsparkles · 22/07/2019 23:41

There isn't much you can do OP, other than ask him. This kind of suspicion can eat you up inside. I sympathise as at the start of our relationship I'm pretty sure my DH cheated. But here we are 15 years later happily married and I don't think he'd cheat on me now.

I do think in our society we place too much importance on the truth. If my husband admitted to me now that he'd cheated on me in the past I'd be devastated, but wouldn't leave him as too much has happened since. I'd rather not know. I know yours DH potential infidelity is recent, but would you leave him if it were true?

Speakercube · 22/07/2019 23:44

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. OP- there was thread on here the other day about certain famous men and why some people couldn't understand why others found them attractive.

If you think he'd tell you the truth then maybe just ask? . Better than the torment of not knowing. It could be he got smashed and fell asleep/got talking till late etc.. Unless you're worried that this will cause a further problem as will show your lack of trust, which is fair enough. Tricky situation from that point. Sorry that Yr going through this. I couldn't cope with not knowing but that's me.

Speakercube · 22/07/2019 23:51

Sorry OP just realised you already said about lack of trust. It almost sounds like you don't want to know that he did because then you think that you would have to react by splitting up. Could he have cheated as a self destruct so that'll force your hand to go so that he doesn't have to make the decision? Just putting it out there as a thought.

Mermaidsinthesand · 22/07/2019 23:54

You clearly dont trust him, nor did you get over his ONS few years ago.

You need to take stock sooner rather than later and decide if you can spend your life with a man your so uncertain about.

Ask him you may get the truth or a lie, we cant say if hes cheated but there will always be temptation for him to do so, will he resist? Doubtful

HarmlessChap · 23/07/2019 00:08

Is there anything specific which makes you think he cheated? Other than the fact you've not had sex in a year?

Chances are if he's that attractive he would have had the opportunity with or without a party to go to.

If it's just suspicion based on the past you've obviously not been able to move on (which is understandable) and you need to decide whether you can move on or whether it will always play on your mind.

daisyboocantoo · 23/07/2019 00:21

When you say you feel responsible, have you cheated? Is this why you are reluctant to broach the subject?

RonnieScotts · 23/07/2019 00:34

You don't trust him (justifiably) One way or another your relationship won't work. You should have walked away the first time he did this.

Original poster

CandyGirl79 · 23/07/2019 00:45

daisyboocantoo I haven’t cheated but I have been attracted to someone else and not acted upon it (and I haven’t told the other man of my attraction to him).

OP posts:

hadthesnip2 · 23/07/2019 01:02

Why would you think he slept with someone just because he went to a party. That's a big leap of imagination......on that basis he could be cheating when going to work, or popping out for a pint with his mates.

As an aside......its not just attractive people who have sex you know. Us ugly mugs also get bit of action now & again.

I think you may be transferring your thoughts of cheating onto him. Thats not good OP. Deal with your issues first before you go around accusing your dh of something that you have no basis for.

daisyboocantoo · 23/07/2019 14:27

I agree @hadthesnip2

Relationships need trust. I think you need to have a good think about what you want from the relationship, but I would say it's run its course for you

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2019 14:58

Why do you feel responsible for this?
Did you cheat in the past?
Did he cheat? Oh yeah!
Do you go out to parties until 5am and come back slaughter and have a hangover the next day?
Is it you that doesn't want sex?
Why haven't you had sex in a year?
What happens when you discuss this issue?
Have you had counselling together?
Sex therapy?

NameChangeNugget · 23/07/2019 15:01

Impossible to answer.

Only he and maybe one or two others would know

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread