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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband left me and he has changed, I’m not coping

24 replies

Stressesw1fe · 22/07/2019 21:14

I am a mess and not coping well. My husband left me out of the blue in May. He’s changed from being loving and caring to hateful and verbally abusive. I honestly think he’s having a midlife crisis. I snooped on his private messages and he was trying to hook up with a 19 year old (he’s 53!!). She came to me and told me as he was freaking her out. I confronted him and he said it was every time he gets drunk and can’t help himself!! After that I saw an email where he registered for a dating site looking for 18-20 year old Asian girls. I approached him and he was so angry that I had read his emails. Said he only registered out of interest to look at pics.
He says it’s all my fault as I’m bossy, it’s actually quite the opposite.... I’m always do what he wants and worry what he thinks.
He is now getting his own house and asked me to file for divorce. In the 8 weeks he’s been away he keeps going hot and cold, one minute he’s awful to me and the next minute flirting and wanting to meet for sex, I feel so weak and needy and keep giving in to him and then feeling used afterwards. Reading back on this makes him sound horrible but that’s not the husband I know, normally he is loving and kind, my best friend and soul mate. How do I deal with all of these emotions?

OP posts:

Juststopit · 22/07/2019 21:17

Firstly stop even thinking of meeting for sex. Secondly you are stronger than you think, he does not sound like a nice man, flirting with a 19 year old when he’s 53 is beyond creepy.

TemporaryPermanent · 22/07/2019 21:26

I've been divorced and I've been widowed and I'll be honest, in some ways being widowed was actually a little easier to cope with.

I think you urgently need counselling, but you also need space and perspective. Can you afford to go away on holiday, or at least to stay with a friend or family member for a couple of days?

The things you are seeing are part of him - not that he's always needed to bang 20 year olds, but there is part of him that feels he wants and deserves to act out sexually. You can understand this without having to accommodate it. Also be careful - consider STIs if youre going to have sex with him. At the moment I would have to say it might be best not to, which is why going away for a bit might help. But, counselling.

Feckers2018 · 22/07/2019 21:31

Stop giving in to him. He has to know the consequences of his seedy actions. Has he become addicted to porn etc. Or maybe this is the real him and hes managed to hide his double life previously?

Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 22/07/2019 21:35

I have arranged counselling today through my company.
When I told the councillor the stories today she referred me to woman’s aid for emotional abuse.
He keeps saying it’s all my fault... he loves me but can’t live with me. Calls me bossy but can’t say how, his only example is I call to see what time he’s home.... so I can prepare the evening meal!! He has been horrible by saying everything is my fault

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Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 22/07/2019 21:35

Yes I think he’s watching lots of porn too

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CallmeAngelina · 22/07/2019 21:36

Sorry to be blunt here, but don't you perhaps think you should be getting an STI check?

Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 22/07/2019 21:39

I don’t think he has actually slept with anyone, I think it’s all his ego and fantasy. I have been snooping on his messages and email as we have always been open about passwords etc
I think he has a low self esteem as he’s put on weight, I really think it’s a midlife crisis. The family around me think that too, I just can’t understand how he has turned on me

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crimsonlake · 22/07/2019 21:41

He actually sounds disgusting and I wish you could see that. 53 years old and chasing young girls? Vile behaviour and he is using you.
Of course he is going to reinvent history and blame you, that is what they all do.
When you have recovered from the shock you will look back and realise that you are well rid of him. You deserve better, so stop putting up with this nonsense and go no contact. You are stronger than you think and do not need someone like him in your life. Find the real you again.

Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 22/07/2019 21:54

Thank you, i know you are right. I would say the same if I heard the story. I just feel so lost and hurt by him

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NotStayingIn · 22/07/2019 22:00

It seems like he is validating all his behaviour by blaming it on you. So if I was you, I wouldn’t put myself in that position anymore. I would walk away for now. If he comes to his senses you can maybe rekindle something. But for now there would be no way I would be having any more of these bullshit conversations.

Jabbercocky · 22/07/2019 22:07

Less of a mid-life crisis than a full on mental breakdown, if you ask me. If there were no red flags before now and this seems wildly out of character, then look for a recent stressor or at least a build up of stressors.
I’m not trying to justify it excuse but off-the-scale-overnight-insanity can hit the most unexpected of people. Think how menopause can affect a minority of women - their mood swings and emotional outbursts can be quite alarming and some will exhibit stress/hormonal driven behaviour quite unlike anything they have exhibited in the past - it’s scary for all involved.

My only advice is: do not enable him. He needs to see that his Crazy Dial is up to 11 so you need to react accordingly. Let hit rock bottom; it’s what he need to be able to see himself properly. Sounds to me like he needs professional help and you need to protect yourself from being sucked into the maelstrom.

Best of luck to you both.

Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 22/07/2019 22:18

Thank you jabbercocky !!!
I know it sounds like I’m defending him but it is totally out of character for a normally very loving and caring man. He always (until May) showered me with affection and said loving things to me. He is my best friend as well as everything else. I miss him terribly but know I need to break free to help us both

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SusieOwl4 · 23/07/2019 00:26

does he think he has changed suddenly ? Is there any possibility he could be ill ? Would he talk to his GP ?

Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 23/07/2019 07:10

I have tried to bring it up but he won’t admit there is a problem, just keeps saying ‘so there you go diagnosing me with a problem’. I am sure there is one, but I think the first step is him realising it himself

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LittleCandle · 23/07/2019 07:32

If he wants out of the marriage, let him file for divorce. You need to get legal advice and protect yourself. Please don't stay with this man, as he is not worth your love. You are better than this.

You will get through this, you are far stronger than you realise.

Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 23/07/2019 07:38

Thank you, I am starting to see things more clearly. I have been trying to help a man that doesn’t want helping and hurting myself and my kids in the process. They are older and can see what he’s doing to me

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lifebegins50 · 23/07/2019 08:36

Are your dc his?

How long have you been together? Firstly you have to listen to your counsellor who thinks you are being abused. Emotional abuse can cause illness so it's important you listen to those around you who know that he is hurting you. It must be horrible for your DC to see their mum being put in this position.

You need to get space from him. Can you suggest you get different homes? How are the finances, can you afford to live solo?

I think it is really unlikely he will be a good man but if you hang on being used by him he have less respect for you and he will never return to you.

I suspect he has always had controlling tendencies so is projecting that into you. Aging is often an issue for insecure people..it is significant that he is choosing woman just out of childhood as he sees them as more manageable.

Madlove · 23/07/2019 08:39

People do change when a relationship has ended, sometimes beyond all recognition.

Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 23/07/2019 11:19

The children aren’t his and he’s already left the marital home.

He’s left me with debts in an IVA solely in my name.... I know I was stupid agreeing to it last year

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SandyY2K · 23/07/2019 12:04

He wants a divorce so he can file. Why does he think he can tell you what to do? Because you always have done.

The counsellor was right to refer you to WA.

Unless he's wealthy and generous, no young lady would give him a second glance.

Scaring that poor 19 year old would have been the end of the marriage for me. That's the age of my DD. Makes me shudder and recoil tbh.

lifebegins50 · 23/07/2019 12:55

I suspect he was always like this but the mask has slipped. Did you have a whirlwind relationship and did you feel as if he was your soulmate?

I am so sorry as no doubt he was aware of the implications of the IVA, does being married help you? Can you get legal advice.

You won't be the first to fall for this type of man, many of us have done it. It is not you, and you will get through this.

Happynow001 · 23/07/2019 13:20

He’s left me with debts in an IVA solely in my name.... I know I was stupid agreeing to it last year
He's done a number on you OP. ^^

You need to get legal advice as soon as possible so Please speak to Women's Aid at your earliest opportunity. Tel 0808 2000 247. https://www.womensaid.org.uk
or at least your nearest Citizens Advice office.

Also do a credit check online (your children can help you with this if necessary) and see if there are any other debts taken in your name that you are not currently aware of.

Please do try and stop having sex with him. He really is not your friend and is just using you.

Stay strong and please get yourself some help ASAP.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2019 14:07

I feel so weak and needy and keep giving in to him and then feeling used afterwards
Oh OP - please stop having sex with him.
Doesn't it make your skin crawl? Knowing he is actively trying to hook up with girls young enough to be his daughter - or even, Granddaughter!!!????

Get an STI check asap.
Stop letting him contact you and stop contacting him.
Get to a solicitor and discuss about the debt.
Talk to Womens Aid.
You may be eligible for legal aid.
But get some support from them.
You need to show your DC that you are strong.
That you don't let asshole men walk all over you.
He is NOT your friend.
He is NOT your soulmate.
Wake up and smell the coffee and get this one out of your life for good.

Original poster

Stressesw1fe · 23/07/2019 14:27

I know you’re right.... now that anger is setting in I am feeling stronger and not so vulnerable

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