What do I do now?

[ListenLinda]

I just need to get this out really, can’t tell anyone in RL and don’t really want to.

Been with DH 11 years, married for 3, with 2 yo DD and 12 week old DS. DH always had a short fuse but never been violent in any way towards me, it’s mainly his words and in my opinion can be quite horrible.

Rows we have, I usually get called a ‘dickhead’ and a ‘moron’. On one occasion I snapped and called him one too, so no angel myself.

This one is a doozy though. On saturday night, I went out for the first time since DS was born, only to my sisters, 1 bottle of beer and 2 vodka lemonades. Home for 11, in bed for 11.30 DS woke for a feed at 12.30, and DH took him and said to go back to bed. I woke up to DH waking me at 2.45 saying he couldn’t stay awake much longer. No problem, I get up. By the time I resettled DS, it was nearly 4am and I dozed on the sofa until DD decided to start her day at 5. By 9am, I was extremely tired only having about 3 or so hours sleep, so made a coffee and at 9.30 attempted to rouse DH, stating I needed to sleep for an hour as was falling asleep downstairs and both little ones were awake.

DH came downstairs 30 mins later in a foul mood, saying I selfish, as he didn’t feel well and I only think of myself and how little sleep i’ve had and I don’t appreciate that he stayed awake until nearly 3am.

I didn’t know he didn’t feel well and I stated that I was grateful but just needed an hour to be able to function the rest of the day. He countered by saying it wasn’t his fault I went out when I didn’t need to, my own problem etc etc. In the end I retorted that he as a general rule gets more sleep than I do, as obviously he has to go to work but he’s on AL for 2 weeks so no issue with him going back to back. As he started to say something back, I turned to walk away, at which he shouted at me to ‘stop fucking walking off’ that i’m a dickhead a nobhead and told me to fuck off. All while both kids were in the living room and awake. He then proceeded to storm out and slammed the door hard as he did so. When he returned he told me to ‘fuck off back to bed then’, to which my response was to tell him to never speak to me like that in front of my children again.

Well he has taken that literally, refusing to speak to me, apart from to tell me i’ve ruined a t shirt of his in the wash, not acknowledging when I speak to him, and has now refused to eat the second evening meal I have cooked. We’re skint until friday and can’t afford to be wasting food ffs.

So it appears we are at a stalemate because now I am getting angry. And I can’t tell my family this because I don’t think they would treat him the same if we sorted this out. But I am truely fed up of the name calling every arguement or disagreement.

I’m meant to be going on his sisters hen do this saturday coming, but I guess not anymore.

I just don’t know what to do. I dont want us to be over really but something has got to change.

Sorry that was so long, I guess I just needed to vent.

Why are you with him exactly?
Don't cook for him, don't do his washing and tell him he is looking after his own children on your sisters hen do. Or find a trusted friend or babysitter.
I would be looking to leave.

Fuck that shit. Anybody who spoke to me like that (even worse in earshot of dc) would have to go. He's a selfish twat op but you must know that?

After the last two nights, I most certainly will not be cooking a meal for him again. I’ve just eaten mine, alone. And dumped his in the bin. I feel so sick and angry.

Yes I do know he is a selfish twat, I’ve told him so many times how his behaviour makes me feel, in one ear and out of the other.

And all I keep thinking about is my DD. She is getting so aware and notices more and more.

And i’m also thinking, what the fuck is he still so angry about?

He’s just made himself scrambled eggs after i’ve thrown perfectly good burger and chips away. What a child.

You don't want your kids to grow up thinking this is how they get treated/treat their life partners. Xx

And what if your child repeats that at school or nursery?

Exactly @Costacoffeeplease

How are things op? I think you guys really need to sit down and talk cuz this is just not ok. Children shouldn't hear those things you should not be put in that situation..

Do you really want to put up with a man child throwing tantrums as you went out??

And your children has a asshole for a role model.

He is trying to guilt you back into riding the line. Don’t fall for it. Keep the truth fresh in your mind and don’t let go of it.

He sounds like a petulant arsehole. Tell him if he wishes to speak to you in that manner he can get his shit together and get himself out of the home! Don't ever let anyone disrespect you like that! If he gets away with it he will do it again.

We have only spoken to confirm he was coming to DS 12 week immunisations and to tell me DD was fine when he dropped her off at Nursery this morning. I’m keeping it fresh in my mind for when/if he does decide to break the ice.

I’ve had enough of being disrespected, that is basically what it is. He won’t like that but it’s the truth.

You really can tell people in real life. If they treat him differently, well, it's because they are getting to know what the real him is like.

If he was worried about how people saw him, he'd treat you better.

Tell people and get some support in RL.

Thank you all. I attempted to talk to him when he wouldn’t even open his mouth to ask me to move so he could wash his hands. It didn’t go well.

So I guess that’s that then.

Please reach out to family and friends.
This is verbal abuse.
He's now stonewalling as well.
And the controlling part is not good either.
You should be able to go out every now and then.
He goes out to work every day and doesn't even consider that it's bloody hard work for you.
Abuse often starts when DC come along.
This is who he is.
He's a disrespectful asshole.
Could you go to your sisters for a little while?
Get some headspace away from him and consider how you want yours and your DC life to be.
This is an awful example to be setting for your DD.
She will choose someone just like this when she is older.
Please save her from that.
And do NOT miss your DSis hen weekend.

It’s his sisters hen do, which I don’t feel like I can or should be going on now.
My sister is living in a building site at the mo, but I will not be the one leaving the house.

I’ve gone for a walk to clear my head. Counting down the minutes until it’s time to get DD from nursery, I need a big squishy cuddle.

Ahhhhh - HIS sister.
That's different then.
It's your call.
Here's a virtual ((((((HUG)))))) for you from me.
Please reach out though.
He is counting on you not telling anyone.
Make this real.

Thanks for the virtual hug.
I know I need to. Only reason i’ve resisted so long is, once my parents find out, he’ll never set foot through their door again.
It’s all just such a mess.

Next time he decides to go silent on you completely disregard his exisitence. Don't for the love of god cook for him again and make sure to have the time of your life! Put some music on, dance with your children. Treat them to icecream and a film and just let him sit there (cutting his nose to spite his face.) Read to them, laugh and completely ignore him back.

His silence is a form of serious control and manipulation and he needs to learn that he's being a childish twonk. :)

Stop trying with this arsehole. Your children will grow up thinking this is a normal way to speak to people unless you kick this twat out.

You need to tell your family OP, they will support you. If they treat him differently, that’s not your issue, that’s HIS doing. I covered for my ’s behaviour for almost 10 years, and it basically gave him a free reign to treat me really badly, as no one ever picked him up on his behaviour and he could minimise it and gaslight me into thinking it was normal. When I eventually told my parents they were mortified with his behaviour, but were my saviours.

As you’ve said up thread, your dc will start to pick up in his behaviour and think it’s ‘normal’ do you want them thinking it’s ok for their partners to treat them like that, or to think it’s ok to tell people to fuck off ir that they are dickheads?