Where to start after husband's affair

[2020ismyyear]

My husband dropped the bombshell last week that he has been having an affair for 6 months and is leaving me and 3 kids to set up with the old hag bitch. I had a week of work to get through and we haven't told the children as they don't finish until tomorrow (thanks for the timing ) so I think I'm still on auto-pilot. I've been reading as much as I can on here and copying as much financial stuff as I can but I just don't know where to start the separation/divorce. I don't trust that when he sets up his new nest with her that he will continue to be reasonable as the guilt will have assuaged. He's already said that I don't need a solicitor but I think he is still trying to control me (as I realise now he has been doing for all of our marriage ). I need this to be about the money for the children and I need it set in stone. And I need to be rid of the bastard .

I went to the CAB this morning and they were utterly useless. Can anyone please help with the first steps to take? I realise I sound like an ice-queen but I'm dealing with the emotional side separately. It is stopping me from reading and making sense of the overwhelming info myself though and I just need help.

You need to see a solicitor as soon as possible.
Ignore him.
He obviously does NOT have your best interests at heart.
A solicitor will.
Get all paperwork together.
His wage slips
Pensions
Savings
Accounts
Marriage certificate
Loans
Assets
Mortgage info

What is the living situation?
Do you own together?
Is he a high earner?
Do you have regular work?
How old are the DC?

Don't listen to him.
You DO need a solicitor.
Some offer a free half hour so phone around a few in your area and see if you can get some free advice.
If you have no money then make sure you find one that take payment once the settlement is paid.

Thank you so much for replying. We own the house together although we have a high mortgage. He is a high earner (take home £6k a month although I don't see any of it, when he got a £20k bonus and I was taking the kids away alone for the week he gave me £350. I had to ask for that). I threw him out last week when he told me he'd been cheating for 6 months. I'm a TA and bring home about £750 a month. I can't work full time because of the children (13, 12 and 9).

I just don't know where to start, it's all too much at the moment but I'm worried that if I don't get things rolling I'll be left high and dry, as his guilt goes and she gets her claws more into him in a new home.
Do I need to prove he's moved out before I can claim anything? Also how do I make sure I get a really good solicitor and how on earth do people pay for them? I can't afford to screw this up for the children. My dad did this to us and we struggled our whole life .

You absolutely, absolutely, absolutely need to see a solicitor. ASAP whilst he is still feeling guilty. Make sure she is a woman and specialises in family law.

He is going to find out to his shock that only his family obey his rules. He is going to have to cough up and half that bonus? Yours.

I get 30% of my husbands income. Interestingly, I now have more money than I ever had when we owned things 'jointly'.

Do all the paper work. Get as much paper work as you can together, then sit down and work out what you need to live on a month. That is the start of your negotiating position. From the council tax to hair to Tescos to everything.

(Try and get it to add up to over £3500k). Fuck him, you didn't make these children together.

Go after him OP, sorry to sound so horrible but I am extremely grateful for my SHLs now, and I didn't ask for enough.

So sorry OP, I have been there and its shit. As others have said Get a Divorce Lawyer and do it now.

If things still work the same , you may have to see a mediator. Get inas quick as you can , as the guilt won’t last long . I found this really helpful as most was sorted before court , making it cheaper for me . Ask friends about who they used legally, they differ a lot . Don’t go cheapest unless you happen to like them best . This is the start of your new , honest , life . From now on , you get to draw the map . Every good luck OP 💐

My sister has just found out her partner has been having affair this week and she's left him as a result. He said something very similar to her about how she doesn't need a solicitor as he'll get and a solicitor they will figure out how much she's entitled to. She hasn't listened and hired a solicitor for herself. Turns out she bloody needed one too! Don't listen to him, get a solicitor so you can make sure he isn't trying to pull a fast one. Bloody cheek!

I work for CAB and I’m sorry your local one wasn’t much cop. There’s a national number for a helpline exclusively about universal credit. Phone them, they’ll be able to advise re benefits. The number is tel:08001448444

What a shock :-(

Make sure that he has the children as much of the time as possible.

Right now,, you might feel like you're losing even more if he gets to have family time with the kids as well as his new relationship.

It might seem petty but 100% responsibility for three kids half the week or every weekend will bring a very new practicality to his new relationship.

You will want your freedom too in time. At the moment you're probably in so much shock you don't want change but trust that you will want your freedom too.

For a start dont listen to all the men haters such as ScreamingLadySutch. I know you are hurting but let your solicitor handle what is fair. If you try to screw him it could bounce back on you - he will hate you (I know you probably hate him atm) and may drive a wedge between uou & your kids in future years. Try to remain civil (for the kids mainly) as your ex will be in your life for a good few years yet, what with co-parenting, school parents evenings, graduations & weddings etc..

How do you think the housing situation will work out. As you have a large mortgage it seems like you wont be able to take it on, so will you want to sell the house ? Is there much equity to split...?? I would have thought the most important thing is that you get a larger chunk so you can house you & the kids (assuming they will live with you). You may want to negotiate this over taking 50% of his pension. What maintenance will you need...??

What a terrible shock for you. Please confide in your friends to help support you. Make sure he has the DCs so you get a bit of space. Yes you need a solictor you cant trust him to do the right thing. So sorry, its horrible, but you WILL come through it though I know its hard to see

manhater? ScreamingLadySutch just went before the judge and let the judge decide.

I was SCREWED over by my x, just my x, no other man. ''man-hating'' is a very defensive accusation to throw around. Any woman with a part time job and three children has nothing to fear gathering all of the paperwork together and going before a judge.

Luckily judges will (to a degree) acknowledge that a family was a team, a unit, earner and carer, and when the family disbands there needs to be a division of assets that leaves the financial sacrifice of parenthood equal.

Only a misogynist would say that that is ''man-hating''.

I am hardly a misogynist. When I divorced I rented a 2 bed flat for 4 years whilst my ex-wife stayed in the marital home with me paying the mortgage (£380k), bll's & all other commitments. She paid my rent (£800). Balance was about £2000 PM on her favour. I now house the kids myself, paying rent of £1600 plus Bill's, and still have to pay the mortgage on my property that I bought when we finally sold the marital home. She doesnt pay me penny
Dont tar all men with your tainted brush.

I agree with screamingladysutch , take the bastard to the cleaners and hang his balls out to dry.

I tried to be fair and amicable at the start and settle 50/50, not accounting for all the other difficulties I would encounter, I ended up having to move 20 miles to afford a house as by the time it was all through house prices had risen drastically and I found out I couldn't afford to go back to work.

"I'm a TA and bring home about £750 a month. I can't work full time because of the children (13, 12 and 9)."

I'm really sorry you're going through what you are but I don't think DC those ages (unless you've forgotten to mention any special needs?) prevents full time working. The eldest 2 don't even need childcare.

Definitely get a solicitor and a good one at that - they're not all the same. Ask friends/family or post (name change if you like) in legal on here stating rough location.

Owning the house jointly will help.

What's the situation with bank accounts? Any joint? Where does your money inc any benefits for the DC go?

Cancel any direct debits coming out of accounts only you are paying into that are for things of his ASAP.

Start a claim with cms ASAP. They don't backdate and it can take ages to get them shifting so the sooner you claim the better. I fully expect he will say it's unnecessary and maybe he will be fair and pay a decent amount unprompted but in case he doesn't or that changes you want the claim in progress already.

Where are DCs passports? Birth and marriage certificates?

Allthewhoresofmalta - sorry I'm sure you're lovely but my experience of CAB in the same circumstances was they were clueless too, and not just one office. I've tried using them several times for advice on divorce, benefits and homelessness and they were useless to the point of potentially seriously disadvantaging advice EVERY time.

Op re benefits most councils have a dept called "welfare rights advice" usually within the social services offices (that's just where they're located as there's a lot of crossover) I've found they're not only always up to date on latest benefits regs but also know local processing times and have links to local charities and food banks etc if that point becomes necessary. If there isn't anything like this locally I would next advise a LOCAL debt charity - again because of the local links and knowledge. And you can claim from the day he moves out, I'm afraid it's been a long time since I had to prove I was single so not entirely sure how it works now.

Certainly get him to stop using your address for his post as part of showing he no longer lives there.

You can also now apply for single person council tax discount.

Some utilities providers also give discounts to single parents. Certainly can be worth having a chat and switching to cheaper tariffs if possible - same applies to other bills. Sometimes you need to give a notice period so the sooner you get the ball rolling the better.

It's not "man hating" to advise op to strengthen her position as much as possible - he's already tried to disadvantage her by telling her not to get a solicitor!

I don’t know about the volunteers, but I am employed as a benefits specialist and we get rigourous training- there are exams! So the people on that number will know their stuff re: benefits.

Graphista is right get your safety blanket of benefits and CMS claims sorted out as a priority. In the meantime you can have discussions with him about what support he will provide until you reach a final settlement. If this is better than the safety blanket, and you trust him, take it.

Mediation is useful and will give you both a realistic idea of what the settlement will be. Essentially it should get you both on to the same ball park. Take the outcome to a solicitor to get qualified assurance that it is fair and in line with what you would be entitled to.

You need to have a clear and reasonable objective. If you both can afford a clean break go for it. That usually means accepting a high % of assets rather than maintenance or a Mesher order. Getting a % of his future income won’t be a win if he loses his job, goes self employed or retrains as a dog groomer. A Mesher order only defers a problem for you which given the rising house prices in this country just gets worse.

Sadly you will be financially impacted. This applies to both of you. And, as Graphista pointed out your final settlement will probably assume a FT return to work at some point in the near future.