How responsible am I?

[GreenPillows]

For someone else’s feeling? What do you think?

My close friend (m) is in love with me. He’s told me so, also that he thinks we’d be perfect together and so on. Ive said I’m not interested a number of times now and have said that if he needs space from the friendship I understand. He’s said no, he’s rather be friends. I’ve also said maybe it’s best for him if we chat less but he still contacts me often.

I really like his friendship and having him in my life for reasons that’s not about the ego stroke - if anything his feelings make me uncomfortable sometimes. But I can tell he still has feelings. Because of that I’m careful not to send the wrong signals, initiate contact etc.

I think if he doesn’t go away he’s going to end up even more hurt and I hate that but can’t tell him to go away. Plus i do want to be friends. I was wondering though how responsible am I for his feelings?

I’m in the exact same situation so hopefully someone will be along soon with some helpful advice

You've said "maybe it's best for him if we chat less"

You've not said what's best for YOU.

I agree that it isn't always necessary to put distance between friends in such instances (although usually a bit of distance for a short while is normal). HOWEVER, you say that you've said you're not interested a number of times now. How many times has he brought the subject up then?

He's not getting the message if he's still trying to change your mind. Ask once, get rebuffed, move on. He's not moving on. You're not being clear enough or he feels that because you are still spending time together there is a chance for him. In that respect, you may be a bit responsible.

I'd make it abundantly clear that it's never going to happen, that he is making you feel uncomfortable and that if he mentions it again, you will end the friendship.

You are NOT responsible for his feelings.

However in your shoes I would sit him down and clarify "DF I know you have strong feelings for me but as you know they are not reciprocated, I just want to make sure you are clear on that and that this will not change and there is no "hope" of changing my mind so I want you to be 100% aware that this is a purely platonic friendship and it is up to you if you are happy to continue on that basis"

Are you single now? Assuming you are he will probably be in for a very unpleasant surprise when you start dating someone if he's still clinging onto false hope, it's not you responsibility to manage his disappointment in that case but I would tell him upfront that this will probably happen at some point and you won't take any shit about it (worded in the nicest possible way of course).

I'm in a similar situation. I'm very much not single - been married for ages and have 3 DC and have had a very blunt conversation with my friend. He'd said things along the lines of 'If things were different...' and I had to be very firm and tell him that even if I were single, it just wouldn't work for x, y, z reasons. I also told him that if things got awkward and I had to choose between our friendship and my marriage, it would be an easy decision to make.

I also enjoy the friendship, he's a great listener and we have a very similar sense of humour but I've had to cut down the amount of time I spend with him. Very reluctant to cut contact entirely as my friend has had MH problems and attempted to take his own life a few years ago. He has told me our friendship has been a positive thing (and his family all think I'm a good/ calming influence). I'm apparently the only person he'll talk to about things that are bothering him, which (whilst it's good he can open up to someone) increases the pressure on me somewhat.