Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

DH unable to get erect and I feel crap

24 replies

skysallblue · 22/07/2019 10:16

For quite a while, when we've had sex, I've had the feeling DH has been semi erect when inside me as I can't really feel him. He has also been less affectionate in general, but we've both been very busy so I've put it down to that. We hadn't had sex for over a week then the other night he was unable to get erect at all. We tried again yesterday and the same thing happened. I'm feeling pretty crappy - like he doesn't fancy me, but trying to reassure him it's ok. He said it could be because he's getting older but we're only 44 and the thought that that is the end of our sex life is awful.

His semi erections are also a problem for me as I can't relax and enjoy sex as I'm feeling like he going to loose it all the time. He claims he doesn't realise it's not fully erect when he tries to enter me with a semi and I point out he's not ready yet.

Apologies as i have already posted this in 'sex', but re posting here hoping for more traffic.

I feel pissed off, rejected and like I'm ignoring my sexual side, but have to be fine about it with DH and can't really express how I feel to him or I just end up making the problem worse by putting him under more pressure to get an erection.

He's fit, exercises regularly, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink excessively, no diabetes or circulation problems. Is there any hope?

OP posts:

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 22/07/2019 10:22

A GP appointment would be a good idea to check for any problems. If all's fine you can get viagra over the counter. It's a really common problem in middle aged or older men.

Snog · 22/07/2019 10:23

Can be a sign of high blood pressure so he needs to see his GP

Elle2019 · 22/07/2019 10:46

Please don’t take this personal it isn’t about you or how you look etc. Seriously. It sounds like a medical problem. I can assure you he is mortified even if it isn’t coming off this way. You need to take a step back for a moment and two of you face this together. Talk to him about this away from the bedroom and listen. Suggest a doctors appointment and go with him. I am sure your marriage is worth a try.

On a side note my husband in his 30s and suffered from this for a while..he had depression. I backed right off, we talked about it and went to the doctors and without any medications etc the issues disappeared. It was all mental for him. Now I’m the one saying not again. Please don’t take it personal because that will eat you up. Good luck xx

Ellabella989 · 22/07/2019 10:50

Does he have depression/anxiety at the moment? When my DP is really stressed or exhausted he will lose his erection sometimes. When he’s happy and well rested he never has any issues though.
A prescription of viagra might help if he continues having problems. I’m sure it’s nothing personal to do with you and he still fancies you just as much. He would surely be trying to not have sex with you at all if you didn’t turn him on

VenusTiger · 22/07/2019 10:53

Does he watch lots of porn? Asking as I’ve seen so many comments on here about being desensitised by it.

Original poster

skysallblue · 22/07/2019 11:10

Thanks everyone. Feel better already after reading your replies. He doesn't have high blood pressure, etc. I should have said he's recently had a thorough medical and in v good health. He does get very stressed though and is the type who over thinks things. We have had a lot on and he has been fully absorbed in non relationship stuff as well as having a busy stressful job. His exercise is endurance and he has been doing more recently to counterbalance the stress in his life but I can see how all this could cause sexual issues. Thanks you have helped me take a step back and see I need to be supportive with this not hurt.

OP posts:

Moonflower12 · 22/07/2019 11:20

Rather than trying Viagra and as you say he is in good health, Alcock ring might be the answer. Really cheap to buy and non-invasive. It also gives back confidence to the man when it's a psychological issue, which is what it sounds like with your husband.

Moonflower12 · 22/07/2019 11:21

That should read 'a cock ring'.

Original poster

skysallblue · 22/07/2019 11:29

We've never tried sex toys but I would give anything a go. What does a cock ring do?

OP posts:

Anothernick · 22/07/2019 11:40

He doesn't need viagra and I wouldn't go down that route, it can induce psychological dependence. This is stress, it must be pretty common, it's certainly happened to me more than once but it passes, sometimes in as little as a few minutes and sometimes it takes a week or two. He is probably worried about it and this in itself will raise his stress levels and make him more anxious about his inability to perform. Can he satisfy you in another way? This was very helpful for me when I was stressed, if I knew my DW was getting what she wanted it made me feel better about things. Another technique I used was to decide to avoid coming on to her for longer than I normally would to induce frustration on my part and so desire got strong enough to overcome nerves. Be reassuring, tell him you're sure it's will pass and don't put him under pressure.

ittakes2 · 22/07/2019 13:22

Ask your gp to do a testosterone test as this can decline with age.

Crazybunnylady123 · 22/07/2019 13:39

Could be a vitamin d deficiency. If he sees the gp he can get a blood test.

DBML · 22/07/2019 13:46

Get him to ask his gp for Cialis. It’s great.

Your DH will have noticed the problem and likely finds it embarrassing. My husband has been through the same. It’s not a reflection of how he feels about you.
Cialis will make him rock hard and give him back his confidence.

hadthesnip2 · 22/07/2019 14:29

There was a lot of talk on this last week on the dating thread......although that was more about a new relationship & the man not getting hard the first time they had sex. It has happened to me once or twice before & usually when I'm anxious to perform. I'm 100% that your dh does know it's happening, but the more he thinks about it the worse it will get. It's all in the mind (his) and it is certainly nothing about you or the way look etc, so please be assured on that part.

I have tried Viagra & it's great.......but I've been told that it will only enhance an erection & not get it hard on it's own.

Antibles · 22/07/2019 17:20

We all want to be sympathetic to potential health issues here but all I can think is: Oh god, another relationship suffering due to bloke's increasing porn use. My ex gave me all the lines about it being a long relationship, work stress, his age (40s) and then that I wasn't being adventurous enough and needed to do more in bed to keep his interest. Then only later when he'd trashed my self confidence admitted he'd developed a porn addiction. Wifey basically becomes like half a stale biscuit at the back of the cupboard compared the amazing sweetie shop of the internet, which is why they can't get it up for you anymore. They don't like to admit it though. Yes, I'm a bit cynical due to my own experience.

cokecola · 23/07/2019 15:27

What Antibles says.

MikeUniformMike · 23/07/2019 16:08

It's quite possible that it is ED. I'd get him to go to the GP.

cokecola · 23/07/2019 16:27

Considering he's had a full health check, and has no medical issues, is obviously very fit, then it is actually quite unlikely to be ED, more then likely PIED.

MikeUniformMike · 23/07/2019 16:48

The health check might not have covered erections. Healthy fit men of 44 can suffer from ED - it does not mean that it is PI.

IlluminatiParty · 23/07/2019 17:28

I've been with a lot of men in the 40s/50s+ and I really do think it's just frequently an age thing, not a sign of frenetic porn usage.

I've also been with a few much younger men and to be blunt they have harder erections that actually point to the ceiling . Id put money on the fact that they were wanking far more to porn. In my experience age just affects how hard you get, or it can. Viagra or equivalents do solve the problem quite neatly although I do take the point about potential psychological dependence made earlier.

IlluminatiParty · 23/07/2019 17:45

In their 40s/50s+ not the I'm not an eighty year old with a colourful past

(yet)

Mrbay · 23/07/2019 17:53

I remember seeing on Embarrassing Bodies an easy test to check if he can get an erection at night. He puts on a row of traditional stamps (the ones you have to lick and purchase at the post office) Upon waking if he find them broken then its a mental block and not a physical one.

Please don't try to take it personally, guys are very complex and it can be as simple as he tried to have sex whilst tried, it didn't work and now he expects it not to work and of course it doesn't.

Good luck

FFSMelvin · 23/07/2019 19:29

The price of stamps these days, I wouldn't be doing that!

Plus, joking aside, a semi could break that surely??

HaileySherman · 24/07/2019 21:32

Before you beat yourself up, he should go to a doctor and make sure it's not a medical issue. I know you said he's in good health but ED can have a lot of reasons. I've been through it, so difficult to not feel like there's something wrong with you, but it's probably medical. It hits a lot of men at that age

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread