Has anyone's DP successfully given up alcohol?

[Countrylifeornot]

DP has always been a heavy drinker, brought up within a 'men drink and go to the pub' sort of family; I used to happily while away an afternoon in the pub pre-dc, but assumed we'd both happily cut down on drinking when dc came. Our situation isn't helped by DP working away for spells, again with a drinking culture.

We are on a family holiday with dc, last night I watched him sink 30 units of alcohol over the course of the evening. He would say he's on holiday, so it's fine. I'd say we're on a mini UK break very much focused on the dc, not a stag do in Amsterdam.

There have been awful times in the past where he's purposely broken things or been an absolute arse, these have stopped, mostly due to me saying if he drank spirits again I'd leave. I don't think he was a pig because he was drunk, I think he got drunk in order to be a pig.

We're at the stage where I get no joy from our relationship, best I hope for is he doesn't drink too much and completely annoy me. We never go away together for example as he drinks so much as to make it impossible to share a room due to his snoring, he has zero consideration for me.

He is looking forward to a future when dc have grown and we share long boozy lunches and evenings. I secretly look forward to a future with a different DP who doesn't drink.

Has anyone experience with anything similar and how did it work out for you?

It doesn't sound like he even wants to give up alcohol so why do you think he would? Seems like your relationship has run its course if you get no happiness from it.

You're right Shox, he doesn't want to. I guess a better question for me to ask is has anyone accepted their DP drinking too much and managed to have a nice relationship, or is there absolutely no hope?

I used to happily while away an afternoon in the pub pre-dc, but assumed we'd both happily cut down on drinking when dc came

Never assume. Makes an ass out of u and me.

You've changed, he hasn't. Move on, find a relationship that suits you better and don't expect others to change. I don't like big drinkers, so wouldn't have married or even gone out with one. If I did hitch my wagon to one, I wouldn't assume they would change.

My dp is a builder and a pub man. He's not my dcs dad and before he moved in he/we drank a lot (when I didn't have my dc).

When he moved in I noticed he went to the pub after work every day and then drank 4 pint cans when he got home.

I told him it's a family home and to sort his shit out. We had a row, where I brought up his parents alcoholism, he wasn't setting a good example to my young teenage DC ect. He thought about it over night and now doesn't really drink in the week. If he goes to the pub he has one or two and then cycles home, and that's only once a week now. I'm not the fun police, we usually go out Friday night when I don't have my DC, we went on a day drinking day the other Saturday with friends, but the needing to drink every day in the week has stopped. He feels much better for it, isn't getting hangovers and puking in the morning before work and our life has got better. I'm not controlling or strict, if we have a midweek bbq with friends I don't stop him drinking, but if we're doing nothing then theres no need for the 4 pints of stella every night.

I'd explain to your dp very clearly that his lifestyle is not compatible with family life and tell him to sort his shit.

Yes, and he’s thankful every day that he did it. His life basically revolved around getting his next drink.
Very middle class drinking, bottles of wine most evenings, a beer immediately after coming home, several after-work meet-ups a week, often til the early hours, holidays would be g&ts, beers and wine from before lunch. Usually a whisky before bed.

One day he made himself late for something important to him and he confessed he’d stopped for a couple of pints, on his own. He actually shocked himself when he realised what he’d done. He stopped, and hasn’t drunk for ten years.

My life has changed, we don’t celebrate in the same way, who wants to pop a cork by themselves? But I’m not so lonely and bored.

My point is, your husband has to want to stop. Have you ever filled in one of those questionnaires about how drinking affects your life? They’re online. I was very shocked and I didn’t think I drank much. It made me realise how many people in my life have alcohol dependency.

It’s up to you what you do, but there very little you can do to change what he does.

My sincerest best wishes.

My DP has a pretty serious problem with drinking, I left him over it, as he was regularly coming home spoiling for a fight resulting in him smashing stuff up in the house (only ever my stuff though), he was lying to me constantly to go to the pub, then tripping himself up and getting rageful when I challenged him. I got absolutely no time to myself as I had to keep everything normal for DD, I am a shell of who I was. He started going to AA when we split and made great progress with the support of a teetotal friend, so after 6 months I came back (mostly due to the fact it was bankrupting us both running two households) And now another few months down the line it is slowly going back to how it was again I don't think alcoholics can change, and I don't think it's worth trying to help them. I have a 5 year plan to get to a point where I can afford to leave again, I wish more than anything I could afford to now, its soul destroying having to play happy families and have sex with someone I find repulsive just to avoid more fights. So you can accept it and live with it, but it won't make your life pleasant pandering to someone so selfish they continue to drink when it causes so many problems.

Rushian so sorry, that’s hard. X

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Did your parents drink heavily?.

Alcoholism is not known as the "family disease" for nothing and you are certainly playing roles in his alcoholism as well. Those are codependent partner, enabler and provoker. You are more likely than not to be codependent in relationships, this state and alcoholism go hand in hand.

The 3cs of alcoholism; you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it are indeed once again prescient here.

If you get no joy at all from this relationship then why are you and he together at all; is it really for the sake of the children?. They won't thank you for staying with their drunkard dad and could well accuse you also of being weak and putting him before them.

He will only stop drinking completely if he wants to and he is showing no indications at all of wanting to do so. Do not expect him to change, you can only change yourself how you react to him. At the very least you need to be attending Al-anon meetings.

I am divorcing my H and one of the main reasons was his drinking which has gradually become more and more and although he doesn’t get violent from it, he became very inconsistent and also drinks for the sake of drinking. Was regularly having way over the recommended amount and starts drinking very early in the day (before the DC come home from school) meaning he ruled himself out of helping with any running around for the kids or even actually helping to parent them at night because he doesn’t eat all day would then sink 4-6 cans of lager on average a night before 6pm and be asleep by 7! My eldest Ds has mentioned he couldn’t ask his father for a lift to football if I was out because he’d had a drink and I wanted more out of life. He doesn’t drink to be social he hides in the kitchen standing downing the cans so no enjoyment?? He obviously is t ready to stop as he knows that’s one of the main reasons for us splitting and he hasn’t even tried to address the problem! I tried alnon but couldn’t commit but I realised I was enabling him to continue to drink. I think at some point he will get illnesses relate to his drinking (his dad died very young) unfortunately you need to make a decision if you are able to live with this because it ate away at me!

No, my ex was drinking secretly as well. Also said all men did it. We had young children and he was abusive when drunk. We split, now 2years later still drinking when times seem hard to him (Any tiny blip) but has a gf who accepts it.

My DH had a drink problem. He regularly had 70 units a week. On holiday last summer he drove after 8 units with the children in the car. I gave him an ultimatum.
It took until another argument at Christmas for him to stop completely. Since then he has been sober for 7 months. He used the local addiction service referred by his GP and also started taking antidepressants.

The change in him is phenomenal. He now spends evenings cooking for us, gardening or playing sport instead of sitting drinking with his eyes glazed over. He's taken over 90 % of the childcare as I've become unwell. He is thriving at work, looks much healthier, has lost weight. It has changed our lives.

To begin with he wasn't committed so the odd drink sneaked in. But after Christmas he was determined to go dry and he has. I'm really proud of him.

That’s fantastic @gotmychocolateimgood it all makes a difference when they want to change and realise what they will lose! So glad it’s worked out for you.
My STBXH also hides his drinking by putting some cans straight in the dustbin as if he hasn’t had them

I have to say I was very close to leaving when I found out he was still drinking in December. It caused a lot of stress and ruined Christmas. But now he is a changed man. He's interested in stuff again, has redecorated two rooms in the house, started a new evening class etc. His dad was an alcoholic and has supported him which is great.

OP only you can decide whether to stay with him or not. I hope it gets better for you both.

@Fizzypoo has it bang on you should try her approach OP

Thank you all so much for your experiences, some really positive ones, and some completely hopeless ones.

I'm not ready to leave just now, for a whole host of reasons, I'm working on a 12 month plan in my head.

He works very hard and provides well and I do sometimes think I should just cut him some slack, it's his life / liver, and his drinking (these days) doesn't end in unruly behaviour or endangering anyone, it's just lonely and annoying. Conversely some days I see him pouring a drink and feel a murderous rage and wish he'd have a massive stroke and die right there with a wine glass in his hand.

I'm sort of always waiting for him to fuck something up, some family event or celebration. My crystal ball tells me next time he does my patience will have completely run out and I'll be giving an ultimatum, the next move will be his.

Young dc and a demanding job have stripped most of my energy and I'm too apathetic to leave a mediocre relationship at the moment. I think he knows this and plays to it.

@RushianDisney I'm so sorry, that sounds unbelievably shit, and I'm sure there's a way of getting out before another five years. Have you tried Al-Anon? They'll be able to help you get help for yourself.

I don't think alcoholics can change

This isn't true, but what is true is that you can't make other people change, however much you want them to. I know plenty of people who have been able to change, myself included. One of my friends was in intensive care as a result of drinking, with chronic liver failure (among other things), bleeding from every orifice, but as soon as he was well enough to be moved to a normal ward, he wheeled his drip stand to the pub and started drinking again. I don't know how he managed to not die, but eventually he decided to stop for himself. So I don't think anyone is beyond recovery. But they can't be made to do it.

Yep mine is 8 yrs teetotal after 20 odd years of heavy drinking every weeknight and more on the weekend. He trashed a friends wedding a few months after we got married. This was a wake up call for him and he hasn't drunk or even wanted to since then.

My wife decided 3-4 years ago that she no longer enjoyed it and quit, she hasn't touched a drop since.

AttilaTheMeerkat, I've been reading about codependent relationships just now. Can I ask you some questions (I'm not being an arse or defensive, just genuinely interested).

I'd understand the concept of the wreck and the saviour or the bad boy scenario etc. But when you have dc with someone surely it's normal to be invested in their behaviour and how that impacts on your family and your dc. I don't feel in any way that I'll be validated by DP giving up alcohol, just that life will be better. Does this really make me a codependent, to want the best for my dc? Or am I codependent by not leaving this relationship? Thanks for any light you can shed

Codependent behavior is when two people rely on each other to give them something they can’t provide for themselves.

In the case of addiction, the addict or alcoholic usually depends on the family member to provide financial and lifestyle support, because their addiction makes them unable to care for their own basic needs (job, food, shelter, etc.). They also are often dependent on family members to give them the love that they don’t feel for themselves, to continually prove to them that they are worthy of love, attention and resources.

Family members usually need to feel that they are being a good parent, spouse, sibling or friend to the addicted loved one. Addicts and alcoholics know this, and they use it to manipulate and take advantage of their family members, knowing they can get away with it. You are only responsible for your own self here; not him.

On a much wider level what do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?.
You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Thanks for that explanation, it makes sense.

As pp said above, DP is a typical "middle class drinker", has a high flying job, justifies his need to relax with a few drinks etc, so I'm not providing him with shelter. I guess I am providing the guaranteed sober parent though, which allows him to drink.

The dc are too young to realise what's going on yet, but I'm acutely aware that in a year or two they'll start to understand more, and eventually form their ideas about alcohol based on what they see. In a weird way though it seems better that I stay and mitigate that by being a constant reassuring presence, than split and pack them off to him for access and have absolutely no ability to stop him being pissed when supposedly responsible for them.

My DH used to say I was no fun when I refused another glass or didn’t want to stay at a party into the early hours.
I certainly wasn’t having any when he was drinking that’s for sure.
I completely agree that I enabled it though.

So he can and does hold down a job; well for now anyway. He may likely not be able to hold down a job in future. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

You are really as caught up in this as he is; albeit in different ways but its still very harmful to you and in turn your kids all the same. It really is called the family disease because all family members within it are harmed.

Your children are already picking up on all this because they see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to what is happening here re him. You cannot fully protect them from the realities of his abusing of alcohol. You have a 12 month plan; I would urge you to shorten that plan considerably. Another year of this will further harm you and your children.

Re your comment:-
"In a weird way though it seems better that I stay and mitigate that by being a constant reassuring presence, than split and pack them off to him for access and have absolutely no ability to stop him being pissed when supposedly responsible for them"

This is a common mistake due to the above. Are you really staying for their sake or is it more like yours?. Do you really think that in the event of a split he is somehow going to want to see his children on a regular basis?. They merely stop him from drinking and after all this man's primary relationship is with drink. They will end up perhaps being dumped on his mother or some other person. He as a result will continue to disappoint and otherwise hurt them and you will not be able to mitigate that lot of damage.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you or these children and his thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from. Alcoholism can also be learnt and he himself came from a family of heavy drinkers.