Boundaries=no friends anymore

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

I'm aware that I probably need to do some more reading and work on myself so feel free to signpost me.

I've posted before about developing boundaries and my trouble with them. It took me until my late 30s to have any boundaries and mumsnet has taught me a great deal since with regards to my family and relationships.

Since establishing boundaries I've found that I've cut off a lot of people. My family was a big one but over the last couple of years I've also kicked a few friendships into touch as I realised how toxic and unbalanced they were. I've always been attracted to "waifs and strays" and when it comes to men have been a rescuer. I've given up on men now as I prefer being single but I would like friends.

I don't fit in with the in crowd, the clique at school as I'm a single SAHM and my life is nothing like theirs with their husbands, big fancy cars and big fancy holidays. I'm content with my life and know theirs won't be perfect but I'm very conscious of being different. Pretty sure I'm on the spectrum too although the GP told me there was no point seeking diagnosis at my age as I cope fine with life generally, have 3 kids, am professionally trained albeit not working until my youngest starts school blah blah.

I've just ended the only close friendship I had due to my so called friend putting my child in serious danger. There's no coming back from that.

People confuse me and I just don't get them and why I find them so disappointing.

How do I establish healthy friendships and keep my boundaries?

It may be that quite a few undiagnosed Spectrum people go through life totally undiagnosed. I have wondered about myself and other family members.
I cant decide if being on the Spectrum we would be best to seek out similar types for friends or completely different people to ourselves.

If you dont fit in with the "in crowd" at the school, thats probably a blessing. Are there any parents who dont seem to be part of the crowd, who look nice and seem friendly? Try saying hello...see what happens.

Do you do anything else beyond school runs? Any sort of social groups, volunteering, etc?

Well, if you’ve always been the rescuer who’s been attracted to waifs and strays who’ve then exploited you because of your poor boundaries, and you’ve now addressed that, you’re going to have to find a new basis for friendships other than other people’s need of you. It may be that you need to think about what you want in a friendship, and what you offer?

I don't know the ins and out of you cutting your family and friends off. I'm not saying you were right imo or wrong.

I feel that some people are to quick to cut others out. You can have boundaries and still have friends even if they are cheeky fuckers. Laugh at them and tell them they're being cheeky fuckers but you don't need to cut them out.

I'm far from a pushover, there are people in my friendship circles that I don't like as they are cheeky fuckers. I don't allow them to be cheeky fuckers to me, putting boundaries up isn't cutting people off. Putting boundaries up is being able to be assertive without a huge fall out or being took for an idiot. I would be lonely and miserable without my friendship circles, I need other humans in my life. Sometimes a friend is a dickhead, but I state that their taking the piss and we get over it, sometimes I'm the dickhead and I get pulled up on it and we get over it. It's laughed about the next time we meet and life goes on.

All I'm saying is don't cut your nose off to spite your face, or thinking your being assertive and putting boundaries up when really you're hiding and not being honest about how their cheeky fuckery is making you feel.

I say hello to anyone and everyone at school bar a dickhead dad or two and those o don't know. I've been doing the school run to that school for 9 years now so know lots of the parents. I'm never short of anyone to chat to at pick up time but we don't socialise or chat outside of school. Everyone is busy with their families and friends.

My family scapegoated me for decades and excluded me. They caused a lot of hurt and flipped when I tried to put up boundaries so I'm the end I went NC. I'm very close to my mum though, we have a really good relationship. My dad died s few years back. It's siblings and my aunt I have nothing to do with.

I don't get anytime without my youngest apart from when he's at nursery 2.5 days a week. Those 2 days are spent doing things at home or shopping. I try to get out on my bike once a week and love that but it's solitary.

That's a good question about what I'd want from a friendship. I'll have to think about that. Also a good point about what I offer. Apparently I'm very caring, funny, loyal, passionate and full of good advice. I definitely don't want to be used a free therapy like my last friend used me for! I like being on my own and am happy in my own company but I like chatting to people and would sometimes like to go out socially. Someone to walk with and go on bike rides with. I'm happiest reading a book or outdoors getting fresh air and exercise so I guess really I want someone to be outdoorsy with. I'm not good with groups. I'm a one on one person and prefer quiet places to noise and crowds. Being in a crowd makes me feel very sad and alone.

I'm probably better sticking to books, mumsnet and chatting in the playground

Look for the quiet ones on the school run and see if they could be friends.

Consider an activity or hobby.

I don't know you but I'm really proud of you for making this change in your life. It's so brave. Friends will come at some point, maybe when you return to work?

DtPeabodysLoosePants that’s a really interesting post. I never had boundaries growing up (neither did my parents who were/are very vulnerable people)
I spent a lifetime being conned, abused and ripped off. I’ve only really started learning boundaries since becoming a mum. I became very disabled and unwell and had to start really fighting my corner and then parenting (especially becoming a single parent) forced me to demand only the best for myself and my kids.
I still really struggle with confrontation and have cut a few people out of our lives including toxic family members and spiteful ‘friends’.
It’s not a case of cutting people out willy nilly whereas someone else might keep them around. It’s more a case of, we allowed people to be shitty to us for too long and now we’re learning our boundaries we realise that those people may never have had our best interests at heart.
I have some very special friends and people in my life who would never talk to me the way some of these toxic disrespectful folks do. I recently let go of another friend who is an out and out cow. She’s done horrible things to many people and I always excused her behaviour as she has some ‘issues’ and I’m a typical rescuer. But after she turned it on my one too many times I have ditched her.
We share a big social group.
I was starting to worry that my group is becoming too small and I hardly see a lot of my real friends due to our own commitments but ultimately I’d rather be alone with my kids than spend time around people who make me feel anxious or make me question my own worth!
I have a friend who does life coachy stuff and she always says you’re making room for the good stuff when you get rid of the negative, your tribe will find you.
Wishing you all the best and sending understanding! X

This just popped up on my timeline today