Relationship advice - post DV

[Floyd6891]

I’m after some advice please, or even just for someone to acknowledge this is normal. I had a 2 year relationship several years ago with an emotionally/physically violent man. The thing is, the love and attraction I felt for him was so intense and so real, that nothing comes close now. I ended it with him and I don’t care for him at all any more but I constantly compare my feelings for him then to what I feel now. It makes me doubt any new relationship and how much I really like them. Have I just not met the right person yet, or am I forever doomed with love?

Have you had any therapy to process the abuse? It's quite a common thing for an abusive relationship to feel "more intense" than a healthy one which can be part of the abuse cycle as you keep craving that very intense "love feeling" - although not the abuse of course - it's like a kind of drug and it can be very powerful.

It can take a bit to sort of re-learn what a healthy relationship can and should feel like. The thing is that although the "love" is less intense, the security and calmness is incredible and that's better (in my experience), but it's a slower burn so it can feel less exciting if you're used to the rollercoaster of an abusive relationship.

No I’ve never had therapy, I think I probably should but I’m not sure I want to think about it as I’ve managed to block most of it out. I’ve had two relationships since then, both I have felt love but both I have ended. Now I have a child and I want to make my relationships more healthy for me and her. I have met someone new who is amazing and treats me so well, I’m just afraid I’ll do the usual cycle and in a year or two be wanting to leave.

It's a good idea to try and explore your relationship behaviour because you have a child now. It is so important to be cautious about anyone you bring into her life because children are so innocent and trusting and form bonds very easily. She's also learning about relationships from you, so it is really valuable to do this kind of stuff now, even if it seems like navel gazing/might be painful.

Maybe you just don't really want/need to be in a relationship at the moment? It is not as though you have to stay with somebody just because they are nice.

I also really really like this site and found the info/advice in the articles to be amazingly valuable to me a while back. I have been through and found a few which might apply/be useful:

A good general bit of advice/relationship dilemma 101:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-dont-women-enjoy-a-healthy-relationship-after-leaving-a-damaging-one/

This one was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me I have to admit:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dont-make-someone-the-sole-source-of-your-happiness-or-your-reason-for-being-you-can-be-happy-without-them/

Interesting take which reckons when you find a kind of familiarity or excitement or "wholeness" from relationships which later turn out to be abusive or unhealthy, it probably means you're recognising some kind of similarity to a previous trauma, most likely in childhood - you latch onto the same unhealthy dynamic and it feels real/exciting because it's like your brain goes "This is it - this is your chance to fix it/get it right this time". Why you might seek out the kinds of things that would make other people run a mile.
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-can-change-your-version-of-normal-at-any-time/

That’s great I’ll have a read through them, thank you 😊