Swinging - cracks are showing

[Alittlesunisnice]

Name changed for this.
A little backstory ... DH and I have been involved in the swinging scene for a few years. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it started as an occasional dabble and became more frequent.
I swing (pardon the pun) from being excited and satisfied from it to being totally repulsed by my/our behaviour.
The pluses - feeling desired and sexy, excitement from being with a new partner, a sexual confidence I didn’t know I had, a ‘you only live once’ mentality, have met some great people
The negatives - feeling disgusted with my actions, swinging becoming more important than our own sexual satisfaction and it becoming my DH’s obsession.
So recently, we went to a club - and I really don’t like the club scene - with a couple we had met before. I just couldn’t get into the flow, but DH wanted more action than I was prepared to give. We left, with me relieved and him cross that I hadn’t been prepared to reciprocate the fun.
So that resulted in him being moody and silent, blaming me for spoiling the evening. I told him it’s time for us to take a complete break and work on our own relationship.
I love him dearly, but want to get back to just us and the tenderness I feel is missing.
I’m not sure if I’m looking to vent, get support/criticism, or just ask if anyone has any words of wisdom.
I feel we need to reconnect with each other, but he feels that I won’t be bothered and our sexlife will die.
We are both early 50s, so menopausal issues too. I don’t want to be the party-pooper, but want the feeling of sex being more than a quick fk.

Have you considered couples counselling?

Was swinging his idea or yours?

It has always been more his idea, although admittedly, I did get into it too! Started with a visit or Hedonism resort in Jamaica, with a bit of nudey sunbathing. Then online with arranging to meet etc and occasional club visits.

I think you've done brilliantly to say what you want: that you wanted to leave the club and that you want to reconnect and have a more intimate, exclusive sex life.

I agree that counselling might be a good idea. I do think you will need to listen to each other and that your thoughts will change over time- stuff you both might have thought you'd dealt with long ago may come up again. Why does your dh feel you won't be bothered - what does that mean to him?

I've dipped my toe into swinging and I thought there were often some strange dynamics between couples on show. To be fair the same is true of dinner parties. It's not a crime to decide something you did before is not something you want to do any more.

OP, unfortunate possibly deliberate title

The deal is surely this: If one of you isn't sure anymore, then you both stop. If the other has a problem with that and carries on anyway, then it's dead in the water. Imo anyway.

Thanks for your replies.
DH and I had a spell some years back where intimacy declined and I really just went off sex. Looking back, I can see that this was menopause related.
Then, after starting HRT, I felt revived and alive again in the bedroom department.
But now I feel swinging has become a major part of of DH’s life, to the point I feel worried about our future together. He is constantly online on a site talking to couples/men, and whilst we have had lots of fun, I am now finding it all a bit much. I feel it’s less of a turn-on and the meaning of making love is being eroded.
We rarely show each other affection, cuddle or just hold hands - all things that meant a lot. I want to get back on track before we lose our way completely.

It feels like he’s using being with you as an opportunity to get to be with other women. It feels a bit like free prostitution! He’s online all the time arranging hook ups for you! Swinging is great if everyone is up for it but you now aren’t and the first rule is that once one of you says no then that’s it with no judgement. He’s breaking rules all over the place. It really sounds like he should be single to be honest as he cares more about sleeping with other women than being intimate with you. What exactly are you getting out of the marriage right now?

you appear to be married to my ex-husband. congratulations.

Righteous - to be fair, I’ve had the majority of the action - And a lot has been great fun!

Apart from this, we have a great relationship, family, home and business. Well, the relationship is needing a bit of tlc...

If you’re not on the same page when it comes to swinging, it will never work. I don’t do this, but know people that have. You’re clearly not on the same page as him, so you’re right to have stopped it.
Why is he sulking and giving you silent treatment? He doesn’t sound very respective of you and your wishes.

If his need to have sex with multiple people comes above the respect he has of you and your wishes, I think it’s probably time to go your separate ways in all honesty. Especially when he hasn’t got his fix and is mad at you and giving you silent treatment

I think the problem is the sulking and silent treatment when you said you wanted to leave. Basic rule of consent is that it needs to be positive and affirmative. You have clearly and verbally said no.

He was the one more into swinging, you gave it a go for a bit, now have concerns and want to stop. There should be no question that it should stop.

In terms of what may or may not happen to your sex-life, that cannot be resolved by coercing you into continuing to swing by sulking and silent treatment. The point you are making is that you want to resolve the intimacy issues between you privately now.

There is a bit of a potential for abuse here if he is not fully on board and respecting your wishes - that the cessation of swinging could be used as a stick to beat you with if you do not have sex when he wants/how he wants etc and/or that there will be emotionally manipulative behaviour as he deals with his withdrawal from the scene (already described) or he simply goes ahead with encounters without you.

Quite frankly, I also think using the menopause related sex issues to blame you or as a reason to continue to seek access to other couples is a bit below the belt, pardon the pun. What other steps did you and he take to deal with them (aside from HRT)? The point may be that you/he did not try any other solution than swinging.

I agree with the posters who suggest couples counselling. It does not sound like you are on the same page at the moment and that has the potential to be problematic.

It sounds like you will have great difficulties putting the genie back in the bottle because your H doesn’t want to.

The danger in introducing third parties into your sexual relationship is exactly this. For your H, swinging appears to have become an integral part of your relationship and wasn’t not an addition to.

I suggest you seek a counsellor to support you in what sounds like is going to be a painful realisation of where your relationship is at and how (if possible) you fit into a future within it.

I think the problem is the sulking and silent treatment when you said you wanted to leave. Basic rule of consent is that it needs to be positive and affirmative. You have clearly and verbally said no.

This. Swinging only works if both parties if boundaries are respected. If you've had enough then that should have been that, the sulking is not on. A discussion about this is definitely needed and as suggested councelling is a good idea.

You're his ticket to swinging (it's no surprise you've had the action) so he's probably really angry that he sees this slipping away from him. It's actually a very typical swinging tale. Men have to have a partner who's prepared to get into it and essentially they end up pimping them out. You need a break from that.

He will bully and manipulate you until he gets what he wants because bluntly put, swinging has a greater priority for him than your emotional fulfilment.