My mother died, we were NC

[shitpark]

And I am devastated. I can not go through a day without crying, or remembering all the awful things she did to me. I'm struggling to remember the good things, when she was a good mother to me. And there were lovely times. But mostly I remember the bad, and it was pretty disgusting. I don't want to remember that stuff. I know I can't escape it, but I don't want to hate her for it, I want to forgive and move on and not be eaten up by it or let it destroy me mentally.
I know grief is a process, but I just can not cope with it right now. It is the summer holidays, and I will be surrounded by my children every day, and I don't want them to see me like this, or have their summer break ruined by me falling apart at the drop of a hat. The tears keep coming and I can not control when the memories hit.
I started this thread because I just wanted to "talk " to someone, to get it down. I have no one I can really talk to about this irl.

I am so sorry that you are going through this - it must be dreadful to have awful memories of your DM. Would it be worth seeing your GP to arrange for counselling?

There's nothing wrong with your DCs seeing you be upset - it's a normal human reaction to the sadness of realising that your desire for a kind and caring DM has no chance of ever happening now.
You are most likely grieving what you never had and regretting what you were forced to have instead.
Very hard for you.
Tell the DCs that you are sad because someone has died, who was never very kind to you. Embrace your DCs (if they are of an age to let you!) and reassure yourself that you will not make the same mistakes.
Be kind to yourself, OP.

I'd agree that you're grieving the mother you never had, but also the chance to make things better between you somehow💐

This terrifies me, I've thought of it often, I've been NC very very LC as in less than once a year and only because she was at other family events etc.

I think it's perfectly natural to feel all sorts right now. I'd definitely say get some counselling. There's nothing wrong with crying in front of your DC, they need to learn about emotions. Xx

When my mum died, we were on speaking terms. As soon as she'd gone, I could not remember any of the good things. All the bad things came rushing back. She was a narcissistic bitch and she emotionally abused me for my entire life. She's been dead five years. I have the odd pleasant memory - but logically I know that we did have good times together.

You don't have to forgive her, don't feel you have to force yourself. You will probably forgive her, naturally, after your own pain is addressed.

Can you get some counselling? If it's free, there's usually a waiting list but your case might be considered urgent.

Why not post here regularly, or make a blog somewhere. Keep saying it and getting it out. I've had loads of therapy. I'm not 'bothered' by my mother on a daily basis. I'm still relieved she's gone and it's over but I can get on with the rest of my life, it's not holding me back any more.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. x

I could've written your post 5 years ago