Trying again...how do you do it?

[CursedDiamond]

I posted in here about a month ago (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3614560-How-do-you-know-when-its-over) asking for advice about my LTR.

Since then, we’ve had several talks where I’ve tried to explain how I feel, including doubting whether I still wanted children, and he dismissed me as crazy because our relationship was ‘great’ and as angry I’d ‘wasted his time’ all these years. It finally looked like we were splitting up because I couldn’t see how we could move forwards.

I’ve been away for work, and the distance has been helpful. I’ve finally been able to articulate what’s wrong (the lack of physical and verbal affection combined with increasingly regimented TTC sex life was making me feel really unloved, and our horrendous communication issues), abs we’ve had some productive text conversations. He wants to stay together and fix things. I can’t help feel that’s this is about two v different people, and I don’t know that we can make it work. But, more importantly maybe, that emotional distance feels hard to bridge.

I want to go to couples counselling, but he is unsure. Has anyone else been through anything like this, abandoned have any advice? I known he just wants to fix things ASAP, but I feel like we need to go slowly. But I’m not sure what exactly what I should be doing. I don’t want him to feel like we’re ‘fixed’ by acting normal, but I also don’t want to give him the cold shoulder. I also don’t know what I’m going to do if he refuses to go to therapy.

Help?!

Just to add, his lack of willingness to listen to me means I’ve done a lot of thinking about this already. HEs about 6 months behind me.

I can’t get away from this feeling that something has broken, abandoned I can’t back to where I wasn’t before. But I feel like that’s just giving up?

Anyone? Hes just gone all out for a Big Romantic Gesture. Which is really lovely. But it’s also not Real Life and I’m worried that he now thinks everything is ‘fixed’...

hi CursedDiamond,
i feel your pain although i'm actually on the other side of it; she (my partner of 16yrs) doubts we have a future. actually, all i want to do is listen to her so we can work it out. maybe hearing my side might help you. i hope so.
this is my post:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3645129--nearly-walk-away-wife-what-chance-over-recovery?watched=1

my initial recation was to dive into to asking questions, and try to immediately fix everything. maybe help him to see that's too much too soon.

i feel like such a long investment in each other means it has to be worth trying to recover. my partner would say she doesn't want to waste anyone's time. i take her point but there's a lot on the line.

i just think it's normal to get confused, life is complicated. i'm hoping my OH wil give us time. we have firends who argue so much yet stay together. that doens't make it right though i suppose.

i'm hoping this video might help us, and maybe you

her opther posts are good too.

good luck

I left and came back after 6 months as DP had supposedly totally overhauled his life. A few months down the line and the same old issues are coming up again and again with increased frequency. I only really returned due to finances, and it's soul destroying. If you think you are very different people then it may be best to make a clean break as I don't think that's an issue that can be resolved

Well the big romantic gesture ( 15 mins ordering flowers or a booking a weekend away ) is 15 mins work isn’t it. Pretty meaningless as sign of commitment to work on issues.

Compared to actually listening to your concerns without getting angry or calling you crazy. That’s the part of your post that worried me most TBH. Because if you can’t talk to him about things that bother you, the relationship is dead in the water.

Does he actually want to fix things ? To do whatever work is necessary to rebuild ? Or does he want you to STFU and get back to normal?

What ideas has he come up with and implemented to fix things ?

I’m sure you know this but DONT GET PREGNANT. And don’t rely on a method of contraception that he can sabotage.

@M0RVEN - i dont want to say too much cos it’s a bit outing, but it was much more than flowers. It was huge. And he is showing serious signs of listening. But i just think we will struggle to make it stick without help - especially the communication. We’ve had a really amazing couple of days where it’s felt like old times. But we’re in another country with no responsibilities. We’re basically on holiday. The real world is going to be much harder - I want to try, but I don’t think we can do it in our own. I worry that we will have problems later that I won’t feel able to bring up until there’s a huge explosion again without it.