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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where do we go from here...

24 replies

TriJo · 21/07/2019 11:10

35, 2 kids (3 and 18 months), married 4 years to DH, 8 years together in total. Both working full time in reasonably well paid STEM jobs.

I'm absolutely exhausted and burnt out. I do almost all the housework as he seems to think that living in an absolute hovel is absolutely fine with two toddlers. I do virtually all the cooking as I'm veggie and he isn't so I'd end up cooking for myself regardless, pretty much all the laundry with my 3 year old son giving more help than he does - literally the only things he does exclusively are nursery pickups (because he has the car) and cutting the grass. He takes loads of weekends away with friends from the sport we both participate in, leaving me at home solo with the boys for them. Despite me discussing it with him several times he won't get a cleaner, even though I literally do not have enough hours in the day to do everything.

Since our children were born I've never really felt like we were equal partners - he has had illness and mental health issues after both births and it felt like he never gave me time to recover and with our first it felt like I was walking on eggshells every time he cried as he would pretty much blame me for it and make me feel like total crap over it. I've had severe PND since the birth of our second and it feels like talking to a wall if I need to talk - at my lowest points he would literally just change the subject or tell me to call my mum. I had a night a few months ago where I was literally sitting up all night playing puzzle games on my phone in an attempt to avoid going downstairs and just lashing back a bunch of pills, I told him the next day and it was like talking to a wall. He plays on some of my anxieties too, particularly when we travel and tells me I'm ruining the trip.

He's a great guy for saying the nice things but not following it up with actions and I'm close to calling it quits, but with two kids I have no idea what I want to do here. I can't go on like this.

I'm at my mum's house at the moment for the weekend and I'm not sure if I want to get on my booked 6:30am flight back tomorrow...

OP posts:

raspberryk · 21/07/2019 11:18

You need to tell him it's make or break. These things need to change or we are through.

Musti · 21/07/2019 11:21

First thing is get a cleaner and make him pay for it. He doesn't get to decide that. Give him an ultimatum- either he picks up his fair share of housework and childcare and get some domestic help or you split and he'll have to do it solo for some of the time and pay too.

Do not carry on accepting this. I did and now that we've split, my life is so much better in every way. Really wish I'd done it 10 years ago.

Original poster

TriJo · 14/08/2019 18:52

As a follow on to this... He got pissed off with me last night for asking him to unload shopping from the car and threw a shoe at me in front of one of the boys.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 14/08/2019 19:00

Can you go and stay with family until you sort yourself out?

category12 · 14/08/2019 19:06

Why don't you just get a cleaner in anyway? Why does he get the final say on it?

category12 · 14/08/2019 19:08

Throwing things at you is abusive.

He is also emotionally abusive, when he uses your anxiety against you.

Original poster

TriJo · 14/08/2019 19:33

cherrysoup They're in Ireland so not just down the road.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 14/08/2019 19:37

Go home lass, it is no way to live. Will your mum welcome you all back?

category12 · 14/08/2019 19:38

Don't get on the flight back.

category12 · 14/08/2019 19:40

Oh sorry, didn't catch the original date. OK, book a flight .

bluejelly · 14/08/2019 19:43

You have to leave him. He doesn't deserve you.

litterbird · 14/08/2019 19:43

Holy crap he threw a shoe at you....what next....a knife? Please consider getting away for a bit if you can. I do get annoyed with all the threads I read how the woman is left with the majority of the housework, childcare and holding a job down. No wonder you are burnt out. Please get help either in the home or with family, even if you have to get away.

RandomMess · 14/08/2019 20:01

Time to call time on it

LizzieSiddal · 14/08/2019 20:06

Oh my goodness, you need to take your boys and leave him. He’s abusive, selfish and has no respect for you at all.x

Chitarra · 14/08/2019 20:10

He sounds like an absolute wanker OP

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 20:19

This is so often the story after the kids come along. It’s so risky having children as women more often than not take the brunt of it all!

Redannie118 · 14/08/2019 20:27

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

MilesHuntsWig · 14/08/2019 20:37

He sounds awful. Do you think you could leave? Do you still care about him after he's treated you like this or is it habit/convenience that's keeping you with him?

Annasgirl · 14/08/2019 20:43

Dear OP, move back to Ireland, there are loads of jobs in STEM. Take a career break and move to your parents house. Tell him you have to deal with your PND. While you are there, get support from family or friends and a good GP (I am in Ireland so if you PM me I can help you find someone).

I know this sounds drastic, but just come home for a holiday and while you are here with the DC, you will have distance in which to make clear decisions.

And with this violence escalating, you need to get out of that house. Call your manager, ask for personal time, book your plane tickets and go.

And for all of you who will shout this down, it is Ireland, not Australia, so she is not abducting her DC.

wheresthehope · 14/08/2019 20:47

LEAVE!

You do it all now anyways.
You will feel so much better in yourself once you are free of him

Quartz2208 · 14/08/2019 20:49

Yes leave for your sake it’s not way to live

Frazzled2207 · 15/08/2019 08:30

Sorry you didn't get many responses first time.

This is no way to live. Assume you're back with him now? Can you escape and go and stay with your parents for an extended period?

Original poster

TriJo · 15/08/2019 12:51

I'm in work now but still in the house with him. There is no room in the family home as my brother has just moved back in and rents in Dublin (where my family lives) are absolutely insane. I can probably afford to rent by myself with the kids in this city (NW England) though. I'm going to visit family for the bank holiday weekend though.

OP posts:

northernlites · 15/08/2019 12:57

Discuss with your mum when you go over for the bank holiday weekend, there maybe more options than you think when you talk it through?

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