Bored

[Daddylonglegs1965]

DH works long hours part of which is travel time so Mon to Fri he is at work and out of the house 6.30am to 6pm. So he comes home whacked and just wants to slob about. He has a hobby he does with friends one night a week immediately after work but every other night and most weekends all he wants to do is slob on the couch watching tv and playing on his phone or mac (even during the day time). Occasionally I can persuade him to go for a short walk on an evening but that’s about it (we are both mid fifties). DC are both mid way through secondary school. I work part time and have a hobby I pursue one day a week when he is at work kids are in school. He is a good provider but I am bored with our life together and feel like it’s passing me by. I have a slightly different perspective on this as I was diagnosed with a treatable but incurable illness 6 years ago but I feel
healthy. If I don’t nag him and insist on planning something by the time he gets up and asks if their is anything I would like to do today it’s dinner time and I feel like the days nearly over/our options are limited and I am usually in a bad mood. If I plan something he will go along with it but makes it clear we can’t be doing things/going places every weekend (which puts a damper on things and I wondered why I bothered). He likes to stay up late and I like to get up early. This morning I have been up since 7. Have done two loads of washing, quietly emptied the dishwasher, tidied the kitchen, had my breakfast, fed the dog and sat around waiting for him to get up. DS is up as he is meeting friends at 10 but DH and DD are still in their beds. He doesn’t mind me doing things with friends and I do from time to time but I would also like to have some quality time with him. On Friday night I organised for us to go out for a meal on our own which was quiet nice then we came home and he started watching crap tv, we ended up having words and I went to bed before him.
Please don’t tag me if replying as DH can see my emails on his phone.
Any ideas how to improve life as I feel like I might as well be living in a care home with an old man (he is only a year older than me). We did join a gym together but that fell by the way side.

Do you work OP?

Op works P/T

The thing is, you have a comfortable life and your DH is a good 'provider' (hate that expression. )
Sometimes you really do need to count your blessings.
If you choose to go for the greener grass (more exciting life) be sure that's what you want. Your DH works hard and wants to relax at the weekend. It's his way of recharging so that he can work all week (and 'provide').Counting blessings is a good start.

Thanks I do that but I also want to have some fun with him.
No living life sat on the sofa watching TV especially not during the day. I don’t mind watching a film together (if it’s bad weather) or watching tv programs together on an evening most nights but not every night and all weekend watching programs from over 20 years ago.

I worked 12 hour shifts in my late 50s and was truly knackered and aged a lot, so I went part time. Poor, but with more leisure time and I looked and felt much better, so I understand how your DH just wants to chill after work, and have the luxury of not having to do anything on his days off. Not much help to you, who wants quality experiences with him!

Why don't you work full time too. That way you will be busy during the week & so might need the weekends to do chores etc in. You might also be tired too by the end of the day like your husband.

As an aside......why can your dh see YOUR emails on HIS phone. That's the most worrying part for me of all your post

Yes you can’t guarantee that you won’t be tagged on this thread and he will see it. What then?

I know what you mean as my exh was the same. He hated ‘going out’ for its own sake and would be so grumpy or awkward it wasn’t worth pushing it. It was a big factor in us splitting up.

Unplug the TV and switch off the internet. Tell him firmly you need to talk. You need to reconnect as a couple. You can't spend the rest of your life being bored witless like this. I can appreciate he's tired but he's in his 50s not 90s. Plenty of years ahead for snoozing on the sofa and watching shit TV.

His phone just shows all the families emails.
I have a fairly well paid job doing something I enjoy 5 minutes away from home. We would loose out financially as a family if I earned any more. No opportunity to go full time in my job and with DH working over an hour away someone needs to be around for the DC (I also fit in the lions share of housework, shopping and family admin on my other day off).
I don’t want a bury life all the time just a fuller life with more to look forward to than I currently do.

Thanks LuckyLou7 I feel we lead the life of a couple in the 70’s together.

To me it sounds like you're incompatible

To be brutally honest when I was dating dh he didn't lkke going out, didn't see the point of spending money on meals out , doesn't drink so a night in the pub is his idea of hell

He's got a lot of hobbies, d&d time stuff , role-playing, reading, watching Dr who etc

In my heart probably shouldn't have married him but what I did was set up a good circle of friends who do like going to the pub and eating out, I work full time and made friends that way too

Now we're happy doing our own things in the evenings but I have thought of leaving many times, he realised at one point and tried harder to suggest things like going to the cinema and then a meal out because he knows I like it

I do worry about retirement though, I can see I'll be bored , Facebook doesn't help with people seemingly always at bbqs with friends in the summer

I'd choose differently if I had my life again

If I was your husband being out of the house for so long, I think I'd want to chill a bit at the weekend, and sounds like you have too much on. Sounds like you need to compromise. Could you plan something on a Sunday afternoon maybe, so that he's recharged his batteries? Surely he doesn't need to be at home every single minute of the day, every weekend? But on the other hand it will be nice for him to know that every now and then that he's not got anything planned at all.

We used to both enjoy going to the pub, going out for meals, walks, camping, weekends away, shopping trips and holidays together pre children but we had no sitters so our social life as a couple was largely put on hold. So we used to be compatible.
He doesn’t have to be in the house every minute he is not at work but it usually ends up like that or he will want to go into town at 4pm or something on a Saturday or Sunday.. .
I think our perspectives have change mine following diagnosis and now I feel well I want to grab life with both hands. DH’s dad a lovely quiet contented man who loved staying in and watching TV died two years. I think DH is slowly turning into him. I do have a few friends and do things with them but I want to rekindle our life as a couple now the DC’s are older.

I don't see the problem with not going out until after lunch on the odd occasion. I think he needs more encouragement and for you to be more insistent without getting in a bad mood. He probably doesn't feel like it when you go moody!

When does he see his family?

I have to admit that I'm pretty similar to your DH. I'm single but have one DD21 (always sole parent), a large family and a lot of friends. DD is very understanding but the others less so. I'm out of the house 10-12 hours a day five days a week and really don't want to do anything in the evenings, not even talk to anyone. I make myself go to evening meetings twice a week but walking or socialising would leave me cold. If there's an event like a birthday, wedding, DD's graduation then yes - but tonight (having spent the weekend on this third item) I'm really tired and half dreading the coming week.

I am relieved if DD makes plans to go out as I can just vegetate! Most of my friends work FT - some married, some not - and feel the same way. Those in your position tend to do their own thing in the evenings and weekend mornings as it works for them.

I understand how he feels but when it’s several weekends on the trot with nothing on the horizon and he doesn’t seem keen on doing anything I loose the plot.

I suggested we or he visit his family last weekend this weekend or next but he said he would see but couldn’t really be bothered and it was a waste of a weekend!!!
His family live 3 hours away. Sometimes they visit us sometimes we visit them as a family but more often than not he visits on his own or with one DC. He wanted to get a dog 5 years ago so we have to factor the dog in and put the dog in kennels if we visit his family all together.

I managed to get him to go out for a walk this afternoon and I am having a night away with friends next weekend yippee!!

It sounds to me that your husband is exhausted by his job. Have you ever discussed with him the possibility of him working part-time?
He would have more energy for the time that you would have together.

To be honest, there is absolutely no way on earth that I would want to spend six hours travelling to visit family! Unless I had a day off to recover before the working week began again.

I apologise if you've already answered this earlier but is there any possibility of him working closer to home or part time or both?

You both need to compromise.

Can’t you agree in advance, to “do” one thing every weekend? It doesn’t have to be the whole day- so he still gets time to relax and recharge.

I do think because you’ve been ill, it’s totally understandable that you feel life is passing you by. What do you actually want to do with your DH or with life in general?

In the short term could you booked a really fab holiday, somewhere exciting, so
you have something to look forward to?

You definitely need to start planning things- putting them in the diary so you have things to look forward to.
But don’t rely just in Dh, put in things with family, friends, on your own, hobbies, etc.

You've got all week to do stimulating stuff like galleries, films, events, sports and so on - while DH is at work.

OP, that's a good problem to have.

Thanks all. No he doesn’t want to work part time he’s mid fifties and wants to retire early 60’s.
I suggested moving house closer to his work years ago but he prefers where we live now.
I feel a lot better tonight I just like to make the most of the time we are off together some down time for him is fine and some together stuff is fine.