Is it possible to go LC with one parent and not the other

[Shefliesonherownwings]

If both parents are still together? Basically I want to try to distance myself from my dad but still keep a decent relationship with mum, despite them being together. I've had enough of my dads controlling, domineering behaviour towards my mum and me and his racist, sexist, misogynistic attitude.

My mum has put up with it for 40 years and says nothing for a quiet life. I did too for a long time but started to push back a few years ago. Now I'm pregnant, I don't want my child exposed to his views and behaviour. Today I told him not to speak to my mum the way he did and we had a massive blowout. He was very shouty and rude to me and then started being rude about my husband and his family too. This is a regular occurrence, he constantly makes digs about my husband and his family for no reason. In the end I left their house. He has since rung and had another go at me.

I don't want to go back to pretending everything is ok. We've had arguments before, not spoken for six months or so and then I cave, we start speaking and I ignore the behaviour until I crack again. This time I've had it and want to distance myself from him. But I want to still have a relationship with my mum. She will never leave him or stand up to him, he had a go at her after I left as she wasn't supportive enough of him when he was going off at me apparently so she had to tell me I was rude and should think before I speak.

I know she shouldnt put up with it but she won't change and I can't imagine not having her in my life especially with the baby on the way, but I don't want to be around him. Can this be done or is it probably a case of i distance myself from both or neither?

It's very difficult. I wish I could contact my dad. But every time I do, mum finds out and starts messaging me constantly.

She goes through his phone most days.

Of course you can be LC with one parent and not the other but be prepared for pushback from your Mum. In order to maintain her ‘anything for a quiet life’ equilibrium she will manipulate you into minimising any blowback to her.

I have been trying to do this for similar reasons. It is possible but difficult as my DM is stuck in the middle and can’t really understand why I’m LC with my DF. So it means that we can’t talk about him at all, as she then tries to defend him.

I tried this. I’d seen my dad as the “good” (or at least, less bad) parent until then. It was only when I tried LC with my mother that I realised his enabling of her was not a passive failure on his part, but an active, manipulating, controlling of his family to make his life easier.

By the end, his attempts to “reconcile” me with my mother ( she’s incapable of change, so “reconcilliation” = me sucking it up and taking her abuse) were causing me severe anxiety.

So I gave up, went completely NC with both. Broke my heart, but I don’t suffer with anxiety or suicidal ideation anymore, so no regrets, life has much improved.

You may learn some unpalatable truths about your mum. I hope not, but if you do, at least you’ll know you tried. Best wishes OP.

I know you are all right about the difficulties of actually maintaining a meaningful relationship with mum. She knows his behaviour is not acceptable, she's text me this morning to ask if I'm ok but she is not strong enough to stand up to him herself.

She told me on the phone yesterday that I was rude and should think before I speak but then text later to say she didn't mean that but was getting flak for not being supportive so was basically forced into staying that to me. I am hurt that she'll obviously do anything for a quiet life including telling me I was rude when I was sticking up for her. It does make me think if push came to shove she would choose him over me. I wouldn't want to put her in that position but I know he will.

I feel so sad about the whole thing especially imagining neither of my parents being involved with my baby. But I'm done putting up with this crap and no way do I want my daughter exposed to his views and behaviour.

I really feel for you, Sheflies. It’s such a difficult realisation. What you said about not wanting to go back to pretending everything was ok resonates with me. It was like my eyes had opened to all the time I pushed my hurt down and the lifelong damage it had done. I just knew I couldn’t stuff it all back in the box.
It does get better. Other relationships are far stronger now I’m not fighting the internal battles, both from realising those who had always been there for me, and because I have more energy to give to those positive relationships.
And your words about your daughter bring a tear to my eye - you know you can give her better, all power to you.

It does make me think if push came to shove she would choose him over me. I wouldn't want to put her in that position but I know he will.

Your Mum is both victim of abuse by your father and perpetrator of manipulation of you. You have a toxic family dysfunction which every member of your family has a role to play, your mother’s role is; enabler, apologist, recycler of his bullshit etc.

Your mother has and always will have, a choice and she chooses to prioritise your father.

LaLoba said it for me. Going LC and later NC with my mother was the only sane thing to do and I didn't regret that part of the decision for one minute, but I tore myself into little pieces because I missed my Dad so much. That was until quite recently when he sent something to my house that shocked me so much I was unable to speak for much of the day. That's when the scales truly fell from my eyes, when - just as LaLoba points out - the unpalatable truth became clear. My Dad will always, always sacrifice me to appease my mother. It's an active choice for him. He is, in his own way, as bad as her.

I'm sorry, Shelfies, but your mother chooses to stay with your father even though the price of that choice is her relationship with you. It's a price she is willing to pay. I'm so sorry. You deserve better.