Partners and Funerals

[marvik]

Would you expect your partner to take time off work to accompany you to the funeral of a grandparent?

Not necessarily.

Depends on the definition of 'partner' - people use it in different ways here.
Also depends on how well they knew the grandparent / how strong their relationship with the grandparents was.
Also depends on their work / how much annual leave they get or have left / how easy it is to book time off.

So, no, not necessarily

Yes, unless it was an unusually difficult time for them to book a day's leave.

Similarly, I wouid try to take time off to accompany DH to funerals on his side of the family.

We always attended family funerals as a couple, so yes. But that was what worked for us, everyone is different.

Depends on what sort relationship between grand father and adult grandchild

What job the partner has. Are they able to, can they afford it etc

Is the funeral close or far away

How long have they been with their partner. Does the partner get on with the family etc?

I'm referring here to my daughter's husband. They've been in a relationship for ten years and married for two years. He hasn't attended the funeral of either of her two much-loved grandfathers. (They've both died within the last eight months.)

Admittedly he hasn't turned up to family events of a happier nature either. My daughter though is expected to turn up to all celebrations - birthdays etc - on his side of the family. And does so.

What does your daughter feel about this ? Is he in some way controlling of her do you think?

How well do you know him?

I don't feel that I know him at all well - my daughter was very clear that she wanted to marry him when my husband I did a bit of probing. I think he's a) strange and b) a tosser and c) possibly controlling.

I did with my DH for his grandparents and three other relatives. Just as more than a few were surprised at my being there (even the fifth time I did so...), I was surprised that many people dealing with the death of close relative (sibling, parent, as well as grandparent) were there without their partner or spouse of many years. To me, it was so odd, but it seemed a cultural difference and some preferred it.

Did he not come because he didn't want to or was it something like he couldn't get time off? I've got a hugely important funeral coming up that I don't know whether I will get time off work for.

Does your daughter want him there. If shes not that bothered dont push it. Maybe he knows you dont like him and thinks going is a bit hypocritical.

Yes, I would definitely expect them to attend.
It's an important family member of your daughter's and he should be there to support her.
IMHO if he doesn't he's either very shallow or very ignorant.

My exh didn't attend any sort of occasion..
He was a selfish git.
Sounds like your sil ....

I didn't with DH's nan and he didn't for my granny. I hate funerals so can't go and be someone's 'other half' and didn't want to have to look out for his wellbeing round my family (you know how you should when it's your own family and they're kind of the interloper). So no. But it sounds like there's a deeper story for you because DH and I would absolutely be a team at any other celebration.

No, I wouldn't.

I think it's not easy to discuss with my daughter because she gets defensive - so we don't ask. I do know she's found both losses difficult to deal with and has done stuff like bursting into tears on the train when travelling alone to/from the funerals. So I suppose I'd be happier if I felt her partner was able to support her at these times. It may be that he does support her on other occasions. But he seems to mostly be away working or on work-related social events or celebrating occasions relating to his family (with my daughter in attendance.) He and my daughter do, however, get to go on very luxurious holidays - as a result of his well paid job. It's possible that this is enough to sustain their relationship. Who can tell?

Sorry, so is this upsetting your daughter ?

My DH didn't attend my grandmother's funeral but to be honest he'd only met her a couple of times during our marriage (she lived quite far) and I had my mum and brother for support so I didn't miss him. I'm aware some people may feel that's odd but the important thing is whether your daughter wanted him there.

I went to my grandma's funeral without dh recently. I would have loved to have him there but the logistics and childcare just didn't work. He's got to go to a friend's funeral on his own this week because I'm completely out of leave. He seems ok about it but I feel dreadful (especially after my recent experience)

I still have both my grandads. Grandad A - no I wouldn't expect dh to come. I'm not particularly close to him. Dh has met him maybe 3 times. I only see him once a year. I wouldn't expect him to come. Grandad B however - yes I'd need him there as I'd be absolutely devastated and need his support.

Not a grandparent, no. If my partner had a job where it was easy to get time off and didn’t offer to accompany me I’d be a bit upset but I wouldn’t at all ‘expect’ him to. A parent, a sibling, yes. But a grandparent is a bit removed from that immediate family structure.

And if he had a job that made it difficult I wouldn’t judge at all even for a sibling or parent, because for some jobs you simply cannot get the time off.