How do I end my marriage without affecting the children?

[champagnesuperover]

Things are just getting progressively worse at home. I don’t think I love him anymore. I’m 37 and I can’t see myself spending the next 30 odd years with him. I am unhappy.
We have a 3 and 7 yo. The eldest is sensitive and I’m worried about breaking his little heart. He such s lovely bright boy with an excellent record at school. Is it possible to end this and for the children to still be happy?

In my opinion the sooner you do it, the better. They are young enough to settle into a new reality, particularly if you can co-parent lovingly. And if you stay, the children will pick up on the unhappiness and it will get harder and harder to leave.

It's impossible to do it without affecting the DC but they can still be happy! Is there any chance you could 'nest' where the DC stay on the family home and you and your X move around? If not then just make sure that you and your X are totally consistent in your parenting so same rules etc at both houses.

EmrysAtticus potentially yes he works shifts so we could both take turns to have them at home. I could possibly stay at my mums but it wouldn’t be a forever solution.

The short answer: you can’t.

I know there’s a lot said about YOLO, you deserve to be happy, etc, etc but no man (or woman) is an island and we’re all interconnected. There’s a blurred line where one person’s “I deserve to be happy” becomes someone else’s “I was thrown under a bus”. So only you can say where on the scale your own situation lies and if the trauma caused will be justified for the greater good.

The long answer: much of what EmrysAtticus said. If you and your H put the kids first, co-parent and smooth things as much as possible (no upheavals in living spaces, no introductions to new partners, etc) then they can adapt and be happy again. That’s not say they might not secretly yearn for you both to be back together. And, come adolescence, they may likely demand answers and hold you and your H to account. “Sometimes people change” at this point may not be enough, especially if your H has a different version of events. It really depends on your circumstances and I’m sure you’re giving a long, hard think to why you want to leave. “You’re father hit me” will (hopefully!) be completely understandable. “Your Dad was fine but after a decade I wanted to feel like a teenager again, so caused everyone else a load of upheaval and trauma in order to do so” possibly not so much...

(Speaking from experience btw)

You can't. "Divorce means you aren’t family any more. That’s the reality." - Chump Lady

What is happening, why are you disenchanted with your husband?

I split with exh 3 years ago, my dc were 12 & 11 at the time. For us the biggest thing was trying to remain amicable. The whole adjustment is hard and upsetting enough anyway without two warring parents.

We don't talk now but was ok for the first year and it gave the dc time to adjust. I have to say that 3 years on we are all really happy as a unit of 3.

Just to clarify: obviously co-parenting involves some degree of upheaval in living spaces. In this case I mean more like one parent keeps the house and some of the other parents house incorporates elements they’re used to to help them acclimatise. When I started co-parenting I deliberately chose a bunk- bed that was near identical to the one they had at home, for example, and they brought over some of their teddies to keep here.

I don’t think many mothers leave because they want to feel like a teenager again, do they? (Clearly some do. I’m just saying not many).

I’ve been apart from exH 6 years. My kids can see the difference in me. My youngest says I put myself first now and I pursue my own interests. She says I’m strong bringing them up on my own. I’m sure my dd’s (esp the youngest) do yearn to live in just one home rather than two (though we’re only 1.5 miles apart). But I’m not sure they want us back together. My youngest might yearn for that idea in theory but not in practice. I can’t imagine them ever wanting to know what split up because they are occupied with their own stuff (teens). They are settled and happy. They have a happier mum therefore I’m a better parent, a better role model, and that reflects on them. I can’t imagine still being with their dad. Home for my kids became lighter, brighter, happier, the moment he left the house (he was miserable and moody). Now we have got to a place where everyone is amicable and helps each other out and exH and me have both moved on, I’m in another relationship. Life moves forward. You tend to just get to a place where life is all ok again (although forever more complex in terms of logistics and new partners).

It affects them, yes, absolutely. No way around that. But I would recommend splitting before they become teens. That’s harder on them.

@Latentphase I just said that to illustrate two extremes (between one where someone would leave for their own safety and another where the reason is arguably more selfish).

I agree it’s probably not that common. But I know of at least one mum who did so by her own admission. She wanted the thrill of dating a new person again and the thought of never experiencing that first, heady flush again made her depressed. So she asked her husband for an open marriage. He refused. She asked for a separation knowing that would open the marriage anyway so her H cut to the chase and instigated divorce (which she admitted was what she really wanted but didn’t feel brave enough to demand).

Many would also argue that’s the mindset of many men who leave their wives for women half their age!

I agree that if you have to split it’s best to do so while the kids are young though. Mine were 3 and 6 and it undoubtedly helped.

Divorce doesn’t have to significantly affect a child’s life. Yes, it will be a change initially but assuming you can be a rock for them, they will settle into their new normal.

My parents divorced when I was 8. Honestly, it was fine. I barely noticed and it didn’t really affect me. What did affect me was the several years of screaming before then and the constantly felon edge at home. Once we moved and settled into a routine, it was like nothing had changed and we carried on happily and I had a lovely childhood.

*feeling on not felon!

In what kind of way is it getting worse now, OP?

As long as you can remain civil and friendly, for the sake of the dc, you will minimise any damage.

There’s a million little things that haven’t been right for a very long time. I am feeling sad and unhappy most of the time he’s around. I’ll try to explain as best I can.
He is selfish, he does things but only those he chooses to if that makes sense, he has zero empathy, doesn’t care if I’m sad, he loses his temper with me if I try and discuss an issue, he drinks too much, he’s not a bad dad but rarely plays with the children, doesn’t do anything to do with school with them. He’s not affectionate, there’s not much sex.
To the outside world he’s amazing, he’d do anything for anyone but he wouldn’t even offer to carry s heavy bag for me.

My partner and I split when my daughter was 3. We remained focused on bringing her up in separated homes. She did kick up now and again when she was about 9 wanting to be in an "intact" family and hated being shuffled from one home to another. That went on until she hit 16. It isn't easy divorcing and children may be affected. My ex and I put our differences aside and worked towards one common goal and that was our daughter being raised. I was lucky as we got on so well. Fast forward to her 21st birthday recently. All she wanted was me at home to cook for her, her dad, her dads wife and her 2 half brothers (my ex went on to marry and have 2 further children). And there we all were in one household, a blended family but eventually happy, settled and each parent very happy since being apart and living our lives separately. It wasn't easy and we all worked hard at being this "different" family. My daughter did find it difficult to deal with at times. Now she is very happy we made that choice as she can now see how difficult her dad can be to be around and sees what I put up with and chose to leave by him being the same problematic person with his new family!!! Good luck with your choice, nothing is easy and its even harder staying in a dysfunctional relationship. I chose not to stay in such relationship as I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking this was what being in a relationship should be like.

The thing is, OP, that staying with him will affect the children much more than leaving him would. What a horrible example he's setting them.

My son said the other day “am I going to be like daddy when I grow up but nice”.

OP have to admit that doesn’t sound healthy at all. Any relationship where there’s such a blatant power imbalance can’t be a good one. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want my marriage to end, but in your case I think I’d understand. Have you tried counselling?

I don’t think he’d be open to a councillor. We certainly couldn’t afford it.

My son said the other day “am I going to be like daddy when I grow up but nice”.

That’s such a sad thing for a child to say. You’re doing the right thing in splitting.

Like a pp said, yes splitting will affect the DCs. However, staying in a miserable, unhealthy marriage will affect them MUCH more.

Wanting to be happy is not selfish. Wanting a peaceful, relaxed home for your DCs is not selfish.

there is no way I could have turned my children’s world upside down for selfish reasons I’m sorry but they do deserve to come first.

I don’t see how staying in a loveless relationship equates to putting the children first.

You can't. "Divorce means you aren’t family any more. That’s the reality." - Chump Lady

Actually when done amicably for me it just means you’re a family in a different way.

Communication, consistency and listening to the children is key.

I think it sounds like your staying would have a more negative affect on your kids than your going.

I think it sounds like your staying would have a more negative affect on your kids than your going.

I agree. That's the crux of the matter. If you're in an emotionally abusive situation - and it sounds like you are - then getting out can only be a good thing for the kids.

They'll be affected, yes, but be sensitive, put their needs first and be supportive and they'll be fine and if they want answers when they get older will hopefully completely understand.