Found out very close friend is having an affair

[Cabbagesoupsucks]

I just want to offload really and promised I wouldn't tell my DH or family. My best friend has been unhappy in her marriage for a while. Numerous reasons and her and her DH have been talking about how to make things work etc. Anyway I spotted something that made me ask and my friend admitted she had met someone else. Most definitely an emotional affair. Not had sex yet but met a few times and kissed. She has two kids. She is supposed to be having a holiday of a lifetime with her DH very soon and told me its a make or break holiday now. I said if it's make or break you should be trying to make now, not messing around with someone else. I don't condone it but I will support her. I told her that really she has decided her marriage is over surely. She says now is not the right time to split up. Her DH doesn't earn loads and would struggle where to live and she is busy with work so it would be too stressful right now and the kids obviously need to be factored in. I know it's not my relationship but I feel heartbroken this has happened. We are very close as friends and also our families are close too. I guess all I can do is listen when she wants to talk. I feel so shocked by not only her betrayal of her DH and kids but also wider family. They help her with childcare thinking she is working late etc. I feel sick with anxiety over it. I know that's stupid as it's not me. I just know how I'd feel if my DH did that to me.

Sounds like her relationship is not one that deserves to be valued above all else. Often people figure out what they want or what to do next in this situation so the affair may not be the lunacy you see it as. It may clarify things finally.
Say nothing until after the make or break holiday. Maybe she will feel differently afterwards. Either End it. Or realise there is some connection there still.

Feeling heartbroken is a bit over the top. Their relationship is not brilliant. She has been unhappy for a long time! This sounds like a catalyst. Sit back and say nothing. Being ''heart broken'' is really way too invested imo. Her H might be relieved there is a catalyst for all you know so don't race ahead with your broken heart.

If you can, be there for your friend. I know this will be frowned on, but the position she’s in can feel very lonely, and also without any good advice because you can’t talk about it.

Disclosing my own proto-affair to my friend made me cut it off and focus on my own relationship. It also meant I had someone to speak to when OM got back in touch and I needed reminding and refocusing.

If you’re able to support her without judgment, you’re doing the right thing imo. The line, for me, is if she starts getting you to help her actively engage in the affair - providing alibis etc. You can support her, but don’t enable it.

So only one of them is actually trying to save their marriage, and it isn’t your friend. It’s also quite likely that she’s minimising what this affair actually is.

Most people find it hard to be completely honest in these situations, particularly if they know the person they’re telling wouldn’t approve. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it’s gone a lot further than an EA (which is bad enough for their marriage anyway).

And will she be telling “D”H that this is a make or break week? I doubt she will.

As ever MN double standards. If a man posted that he would be roasted! But it's a woman , so she isn't a duplicitous cheating scumbag but advised 'Their relationship is not brilliant. She has been unhappy for a long time! This sounds like a catalyst. '

Ok - all right then. It's fine to cheat if you have been unhappy for a long time ! ...

Yeah tell her to stop dicking her husband about, eitjerall in for the marriage and stop the emotional relationship or tell her husband

OP - I think you are transferring the feelings/fears onto your relationship with your H.
Are you having any problems in your relationship, or is it just anxiety?

Other than that - your friend isn’t happy. She is living her life. You can of course tell her what you think, but don’t expect that she will see things the same way...

completely off topic, but why does almost every thread where woman is doing something there just has to be ”if it was a man posting” type of comment?

Maybe for balance.
I like all points of views.

man/woman, I give answers as though the poster were MY friend. I'm not a court of law but I am a good friend.

I think some posters are too moralistic in their responses but that is just my opinion. If your friend comes to you, conflicted, lonely in their marriage, not yet clear what the right decision is for them, are you really going to help them by moralising....

and @Fontofnoknowledge you cannot make others around you ''revere'' any marriage. Not your own, not a good one, and certainly not a bad one. The friend's happiness comes before blind reverence to a dead marriage surely. I am not wrong or hypocritical because I don't AUTOMATICALLY revere the institution of marriage above all else. This is my way of seeing things. Marriage can be good. It can be shit. Bailing on a marriage is not tantamount to the breakdown of society.

I would be as blunt as possible about the impact this would have on her family.

I would continue to listen but make it clear she needed to stop this.

I think you just need to be honest with your friend OP.

I think it’s perfectly OK to say it’s heartbreaking for you - because they are a family that is close to you and any family break up badly affects all involved, even though it’s just one or two people in the marriage that make the decision.

But your friend can’t possibly repair her marriage while she’s involved with OM. Her DH doesn’t stand a chance and he doesn’t even know. He can’t compare to the shiny new promise of someone half in fantasy!

That’s why cheating is cruel - it’s fooling people, deceiving them while pretending to be their friend- it’s got nothing to do with the institution of marriage and everything to do with integrity and decency and not being a cunt.
I wonder if her marriage was broken or just stale before OM showed up - and has she really thought through the consequences of shared custody, two homes, Birthdays and Xmas, or just what she wants for herself right now?
I also agree it’s likely that she’s minimised her involvement.
I think you should help her - to either be honest in trying to salvage her marriage or honest that it can’t be salvaged.
I have no time for those that say there is no morality in this - but that is not to say that ordinary people sometimes just do bad things. If you are too judgemental you won’t help her - but she will need to see how her behaviour is wrong and that she needs to have a clear understanding of what’s really going on.

31RueCambon I couldn't agree with you more. ! But have a read of any post where a woman writes that her husband is having an affair because 'he says he has been unhappy for years' .. and the almost unanimous replies on here are that he should try and fix his marriage... he made vows.. shagging someone else is wrong.

It seems that if a woman 'has been unhappy for years then its reasonable AND understandable when she looks for love outside her marriage. However not acceptable for a man to do the same. Or that the mans reason be accepted-at face value.

" I guess all I can do is listen when she wants to talk."

Or you could just no longer be her friend. No-one is forcing you to provide her with a kind and listening ear.

I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with someone who has done that to her family. Only you can decide op, I'm sure you'll get a whole range of responses on here.

Hmm this is a tricky one. Hear what everyone is saying about if it was a man etc... but I think ultimately for her to disclose this to you she’s clearly very unhappy and feels comfortable enough to share. Whilst not condoning, I don’t know the full marital history and it sounds like she needs a friend right now.

I’d say she probably does know the consequences...but trying to be objective, what are the feelings for the OM? Is it casual in terms of a bit of light relief from daily life? is she in love and conflicted as to what to do? Is she in a place of extreme stress and reacting to that?! I don’t know the answers to any of this but she clearly needs support.

She can lie to her own DH all she likes. Expecting you to lie to yours is selfish and unfair.

That's my issue and I wouldn't be prepared to be put in a position where I had to lie to my DP to cover up for someone else.

I know how you feel op and I don't think heartbroken is an over statement when there are children you love involved and a long friendship at risk.
My best friend is having an affair, I'm gutted firstly that someone I love, trust and respect could behave so badly, and second that a young family are about to be ripped apart.
I'm worried about the kids, I'm worried about my friend, and her husband who I also like, and selfishly I'm worried about losing my best friend.
All for some creepy bloke she met at work. I'm angry also, that she would do this.
I've told her I will support her to leave but not to cheat, and to go to marriage counselling.
There's nothing more I, or you can really do.

My DH had an affair. It destroyed me and it has damaged our children. If she really wants out of her marriage, she should own it. End it gracefully with care and consideration for the other person. Having an affair is a downright shitty thing to do.