I’ve broken up with my partner of 3 1/2 years.
I feel like it was the right thing to do. We haven’t made each other happy for a long time.
I’ve always been very self sufficient and happy on my own before this relationship but I’m left feeling so broken and lonely and like I can’t cope in this world anymore.
It makes me feel so heartbroken because I let my partner in more than I’ve ever let anyone else in ever.
How can you share your entire life with somebody and let them see every part of who you are and then go back to being strangers?
It’s not because I don’t love my partner, I know I do. I wish only happiness and good things but we just don’t make each other happy.
I think I’ve become somebody who is just seen to be negative and and drain.
I understand why. I’m struggling with my own mental health and I regularly become upset and overwhelmed and am probably not much fun to be around.
I need connection and my partner (well ex now I suppose) doesn’t deal with emotion well and has pretty much always been emotionally unavailable but has been worse for a year or so.
And I have had such a feeling of being unwanted, unloved and Un-accepted. Not only myself my my youngest DS aswel.
Their relationship faded a long time ago and never really came back and that makes me so devastated too.
The two of us have had no sex life for a long time either with an occasional quickie (sorry I don’t know how else to explain it!) after me talking about a lack of sex life and how it bothers me but then that’s it again until I next get upset.
She said I always have an issue and I’m never happy. That it irritates her that I bring up issues and said that I’m never happy or fun and mocked me pretending to be me with a silly voice saying “oh I’m so deep and spiritual and better than everyone else”. That couldn’t be further from the truth, I just want to feel connected with the person I share my life with.
I feel a ball of black in my stomach when I think about us, it gets down into my belly and gives me a bad stomach, it gets up into my head and gives me a headache and makes me not able to stop with the overthinking (although I am an over thinker in general so I’m not saying that part is only confined to the relationship). I lately feel sick regularly too and I put it down to the anxiety I feel around our relationship.
We’ve both made mistakes. I used to be too scared to fully commit but I had very valid reasons in my opinion.
Saying that though we were engaged and had arranged a wedding and I’d bought a dress. We cancelled the wedding because of how we were which has left me £1500 in debt (over halfway cleared now). But because it was seen as being my fault I’ve been the one to clear the debt.
I also had Her move in with her daughter (same sex relationship) and gave her daughter her own bedroom so she felt accepted and wanted and happy and had my 2 boys in together but paid for everything while she sorted herself out after being evicted from her own home through non payment of rent.
Please help me to see I’ve done the right thing.
I feel so guilty but also so devastated.
I wanted more than anything for us just to be right for each other, to build a family and make each other and the children (DC’s on both sides) feel loved and secure but it’s just not happened and 3 1/2 years is long enough to try.
Sorry if I’ve rambled and gone on and thank you to anybody who takes the time to read and reply.
I have no one to talk to in real life without feeling like I'm just a negative drain on them.
I’m starting some counselling soon and I have allot of work to do on myself but I’m just feeling very lost and alone right now.
I’m still in love but need to stay strong and remind myself it’s the right decision.