STBxW moving goal posts

[HarmlessChap]

Due to a loss of intimacy and affection and W's controlling ways our marriage has ended.

We have agreed to separate and she has a rental (from friends) lined up to move to and I have agreed to stay in the house until its sold, however we are currently still under the same roof with me sleeping on the sofa.

Every couple of weeks she moves her proposed move date back a month. Its getting seriously frustrating now, I just want to move on with my life and ideally start sleeping in a proper bed again, she says I don't have to sleep on the sofa but I really don't want to share a bed with her anymore.

Other than airbnb any ideas of how to find affordable temporary accommodation for 3 months?

it's odd that she's saying you don't have to sleep on the sofa. Does she want to reconcile? Not that you should as you say she is controlling but might explain why she's dragging her feet.

Could you offer to help pack? If she avoids decorating she may be avoiding packing.

Oh massive drip feed

You're dating someone else , no wonder you don't want to share a bed

I'd tell her , have everything out in the open

Has your new girlfriend got a place you can stay ?

Look, you can sit and moan about having to use up your annual leave to graft on the house.

But if she moves out, you will have to graft on that house and take annual leave. It doesnt really matter. If you want to sell the house make a start.

Spending all this time talking about what's fair and what's not isnt really helping. It's not moving anything forward.

So make a start. Or take a drop in asking price. Theres 2 options if you dont want to move our. The other option is to find a short term rental and hope she moves out once you have gone. Then you move back in.

The fact that you are dating, in my opinion, is what's making you annoyed about this. I assume your girlfriend is either annoyed already (or will get annoyed) that you are still living with your wife. I also assume that you cant just date her when you want.

But remember, when she leaves you still should be having the kids alot of the time. Once she moves you arent free as a bird. She may also be concerned that if she moves out you will drag out decorating.

Also if she is the higher earned and has decent a decent pension. She is unlikely to get lots in benefits. I know, I am a single parent that works and was the higher earner.

Indeed, quite the drop feed. So, you're leaving your wife, and there was an Other Woman involved?

Is the "friend" who offered to house you actually your girlfriend?

Are you planning to move the girlfriend into the family home?

Perhaps you wife knows (or suspects) more than you realise and has worked out that the amicability won't last.

Due to a loss of intimacy and affection and W's controlling ways our marriage has ended.

How long ago?

OP OP what have you done ??
You must KNOW by now that on MN the wife is NEVER at fault for marriage breakdown and that no matter how long since you separated, the fact that you now have a partner makes you a duplicitous conniving cheat !! .

Meanwhile back in the real world- I completely understand why you now feel the need to move. I was in the exact same situation after the end of my marriage.
My husband had another girlfriend overseas. I was reconciled to the end of the marriage and managed to cohabit /co parent in a civilised manner - however when I met my now DH , I realised I had to move as it was unfair to my new partner. I started to look for somewhere new. In the end exDH decided it was better for the kids to stay put. So he moved in with a friend.
We did the house up together. Sold and went out separate ways .

I would definitely move out OP. It will force her hand to either crack on with doing it up or move out . If she moves out then you move back in and get it on the market.

Hmmm. Sounds like a reverse of another thread that was on here the other day. Woman was living with a hoarder & wanted to move out but couldn't

If not I apologise. Take back control, put the house on the market & get on with your life. Also why dont you sleep in the bed and your Stbex sleeps on the sofa. Or move the kids into bedrooms together & have one of their bedrooms. There's always solution.

Me and my ex were renting and felt stuck due to it being only in my name. I needed him to have the house (should've been joint but they made an admin error and ex said just to sign it and we could add him on later) because I wasnt in a fit state to care for the kids.

Living together for the 3 months after we split was horrendous. I completely understand why you dont want to share a bed.

Can you afford to rent somewhere of your own? I'd personally start looking regardless. Leave her to deal with the house. Do you desperately need the money from it?

You say she is controlling. Is she abusive in other ways? There are charities that offer support to men in these kinds of relationships.

My partner had nothing after both his last relationships. He gave his ex their house because she had no where to take the cats, and she wouldnt have gotten the mortgage without him. This way she can prove shes been paying it herself for the last 9 years. (Hes still on it but shes always just paid it and hes never hassled or contacted her).

His last ex talked him into quitting work saying she would and basically ruined them with her massive control but poor attitude and choices with money.

Often the only way to get out is to take control of what you can. You cant force her to leave but you can make the choice to potentially cut some losses and regain your freedom.

If you move out and she is the higher earner, she’ll stay in the house. If she can afford the mortgage and care for the children, you won’t be able to move her out until they grow up.

Fontofnoknowledge get a grip. No one has questioned the pps version.

But there isnt much he can do. If she wont move out he has too.

Considering she is the higher earner, its unlikely she will get benefits and most certainly wont get housing benefit. Even if she rents.

The OP has a choice. Start decorating now and sell the house, sell the house cheaper and dont decorate or move out himself.

Whether she is doing it to control him or not, isnt the point. Chatting about that womt change it.

The thing that did stand out to me, is that he and ex have agreed for her to love out so he can get it ready for sale. But he is resentful he will be decorating and having to take time off. Which is part of the agreement.

To answer the questions, no the OW is not yet my partner, I've just stared dating her, still very early days, not had the exclusive chat, not met her kids, she's not met mine no plans to change that, no plans to move her in, no offers of accommodation.

However since telling her that I'll be stuck in the same house as stbexw until October, at least, she's gone quiet on me. So I suspect it's scuppered any chance of it going anywhere now.

We both need the equity from the house, I have debt from a failed business she has loans and credit cards all over the place.

The thing that did stand out to me, is that he and ex have agreed for her to love out so he can get it ready for sale. But he is resentful he will be decorating and having to take time off.
No you misunderstand when we were married I had to use up my holiday maintaining the house while she "helped" by going on holiday with the children. The kids are older teens now.

Wouldn't it be better to put dating anyone on hold until the house and finances are sorted out?

I've been miserable for a decade; staying in an affectionless marriage because I believed that I was undesirable to anyone because that's what I have been told.

I'm nearly 50 and several family members have died young below 60, life isn't a dress rehearsal. At best I have 20 years of good quality life left, postponing what might be a several year search for happiness for another 6 months to a year seems like a massive waste of time.

And to add to the confusion and weirdness of my life right now, a FB acquaintance who moved a couple of hundred miles away has just offered me no strings sex if I care to visit her. I don't think it's going to happen, I'm sure if she's offering she's played it out in her mind and I'm sure reality would be a let down. None the less it's nice to feel desired even if it's just for a one off shag.

FWIW I'm fully aware how made up this last post sounds but I'm also conscious that I may have identified myself here resulting in the offer. So I think I should bow out now.

I started seeing my partner before I moved out. Was very drama filled for a bit but that's going to depend on the sort of people you are. We really should've put dating on hold until this year really as it took us both that long to stop fucking about be honest and get our act together.

We live together now and are very happy but a couple of things from then have dragged on and bitten us on the arse.

I did feel guilty towards my ex, but in all honesty I think he was talking to his current partner at the same time so when I realised that I stopped feeling bad. He hadnt done anything wrong that I hadnt done the equivalent of though, was just turned into different people and neither had the balls to put a stop to the mess we had gotten into. If your wife is that bad you might not feel the same way I did.

Certainly a complicated area potentially but it can work out and although I'm a lot younger, and my reasoning based on vanity to a far greater extent than I care to admit, I definitely felt like we were wasting each others precious time on this earth.

Well, unsurprisingly, the woman I was seeing has decided that she won't continue seeing me while I'm still under the same roof as STBEXW.

She's invited me to contact her once she has left, I guess that she either thinks I'm lying about being separated or she feels STBEXW is trying to reconcile especially with the concept of STBEXW still happy to share a bed.

As it is DC1, who is off to Uni in September, wants to move their stuff before the go rather than have to come back a couple of weeks into their first term to move so is not happy about the date shifting either.

If your Ex wife has control issues then the promise of moving out or the process of moving out would be a moment to exercise control. It would be easier to decorate if she wasn’t around but not impossible if she is. You do not have the money to throw around on temporary accommodation. apply your ‘life is too short’ idea to getting shot of the house as soon as.

I totally understand why you’re new flame didn’t want any part of your current situation because it sounds messy and not short term.

If the friends cancer the flat ready in acouple of weeks once they get the word, can you just te them a date? What reason does your w give for not moving out?

You need to get stuck in with making the house ready for market instead of waiting for her to move out.

Moving out yourself means no incentive for her to market the house, so you could end up in limbo financially for years.

So stop messing about and start clearing, cleaning and patching up your house. Get it done, get it sold.

Get your house on the market and ensure its priced and marketed as 'needs decorating'. Yes, it may put some buyers off but there is bound to be someone who is prepared to pay a few grand less and decorate it to their taste when they move in.

The hoarding issue can easily be addressed - sort YOUR stuff, declutter (I guess that will be REALLY hard for you as a self-confessed hoarder) and then hers can be packed into boxes for her to deal with.

It sounds like you are going to have to be the one pushing this if you genuinely want to split.