Can you fancy your partner again once it's gone?

[AnyoneElseSharingThisBoat]

Just that really. Long history as to how we've got here, which I won't bore you with. Been together nearly 20 years. But basically, I'm considering splitting. 2 DC's of primary age. There's been issues which I think we could probably work on, but the bottom line for me at the moment is that I just don't fancy him and don't want to have sex with him. I've felt like this for a few years, tried to ignore it, tried to overcome it by sleeping with him regularly in the hope it's a habit thing, but it just isn't coming back

When the rest is ok is this reason enough to split? I know we can split for any reason but it seems such a minor thing in the grand scheme of things and like I should find a way to get over it

Has anyone got passed such a thing after such a long period of time? Or managed to live with it? Thoughts appreciated.

I have. We separated for four months even. That was two years ago and things are pretty good now

Thank you, had you felt like that a long time? And did the time apart and distance bring it back do you think or did you do things together to try and rekindle it?

Tbh I don’t think that’s a reason to break up your family. You don’t fancy him and that’s fair enough, there’s no need to force yourself to sleep with him. Perhaps you should focus on yourself though instead of your relationship, discover new hobbies and friends etc? (Not easy being a mum of primary aged children!) Make yourself happy and you might find yourself fancying him again.

Though saying that, if you’re honestly unhappy then you are more than entitled to leave. It could make your life a lot harder though, being a single parent is far from easy.

Thank you, that's what I'm agonising over. Sex has always been a huge part of the relationship for him, less so for me, so we've always felt imbalanced. I am certain he would not want a sexless relationship, and I don't if I'm honest for the rest of my life. But every time we do it I don't want to. I've been cowardly and he has no idea, as I know if I told him he would end it. We have discussed other issues lately and I've danced around this as I know he would be so hurt. And I am avoiding forcing that end result of separation if I was that honest with him, so I'm wondering if I can get that attraction back. Or not. But then the upheaval of separation, emotionally for everyone, separation of finances etc feels overwhelming. And as you say, I am sure it wouldn't be easy being on my own.

In all honesty, in every other aspect of my life I'm happy, really happy. I love my job, I have great friends and a good social life - things with friends that involve the children and things without. This one thing just niggles at me and consumes my thoughts now every day. I don't know how to get past it and it's exhausting after so long.

Thank you for taking the time to reply :)

What has happened to cause you not to fancy him anymore?

DH was horrible towards me for a few years. It got sorted out, now several years later the old feelings for him have come back.

Is it that your libido has vanished altogether, or has it just vanished in relation to him? Do you fancy/want to have sex with other people?

OP, sorry if this is off base but you've not actually said you love him. Are you happy with him outside of physical attraction?

Re what's happened, a lot of small things I think while we weren't watching. Money problems - nothing massive but just causing a change in lifestyle when children came along, I have changed jobs and probably have more self confidence now, I spent a long time working certain jobs so he could do the job he loved and I was there for the kids. There was a long time when the children were very young (first four years probably) where he admits he wasn't happy and he took lots of extra work on to be absent. I felt like a single parent at the time and discussed it then but he didn't get it all. He worked away a lot then too. I think I felt I did it alone then and was barrelling on trying to keep my head above water while he was loving his work and engrossing himself in it. Then he seemed to come back to me a couple of years ago, and said he was happier than he'd ever been. I then got a new job and found I was good at it, well respected and appreciated there and I think I look back on that time and feel resentment. He was so difficult to live with when he was at home. Never abusive but grumpy and hard work, I couldn't say the right thing so bit my tongue a lot. I feel like we could be back where we were ore children now if only I felt the same, but I realise I don't.

As for loving him, I do, he's a lovely dad, good company, has lots of lovely qualities, but does he set my heart alight like he used to? No. For years I used to look forward to coming home from work to see him and a few years ago I remember driving home and feeling indifferent about seeing him. I was excited to see the kids but not bothered about seeing him either way. I guess I miss that feeling about someone - my someone. We've tried reconnecting by doing more together, making time to talk and it just feels like for me it's gone. I guess he feels like a good old friend. He knows me well, I do him, but I don't feel I get any more out of our relationship than I do some of my other good friends. But I'm not desperately unhappy, we still laugh like I do with other friends etc. But I don't want to snuggle up to him, cuddle him etc, and I miss wanting to. He would gladly, I know that. But we make a good team, we get along well, the kids adore doing things as a family. I just feel in a state of constant apathy about our relationship I think.

I don't think it's that my libido has vanished. I still enjoy pleasuring myself... Sorry if TMI!!

*before children!

I think it's quite telling you dont want to go home to him. That's more than just the attraction gone it seems.
Does he still make you laugh? Are you a better version of you because of him?

I would give couples counselling a go, he needs to face up to what he did and apologise and then there is chance you can forgive...

I think you need to talk about that time of resentment.

Why did he go off you and off his family?

@MissChananderlerbong - fantastic user name! It's not so much I don't want to as I'm indifferent. He sometimes makes me laugh, not like we used to though, but I think that's in part because I'm so distracted by constant thoughts of "is this working?", So more me than him.

Counselling is probably a good idea, thank you. I once suggested it a year ago and he wasn't up for it "don't need to talk to strangers about us" so not sure if he'd go for it but he maybe would if it was make or break. We've never ever communicated well about issues to be honest. It's a huge problem I've tried to address but he's just very introvert and it's hard, whereas I'm a pour your heart out type. But I suppress that with him because I don't get it back i think. No, I don't think he makes me a better version of myself. He doesn't make me worse, but I suppose I feel these days that we're really different. I doubt we would date long if we met now. Which all sounds very miserable, but I'm not very miserable in nature day to day - hope this makes sense!

He says he was unhappy because things were so hard, the children were clingy and hard work (who's aren't?!) Not saying ours were any worse than anyone else's but I don't think he adjusted well to the change so turned to work. We couldn't go out as much obviously, I was probably not the same as I had been pre children. We moved house so stretched ourselves financially and I couldn't work full time anymore, lots of small things I think and he just buried his head in his work and waited until the more difficult younger years had passed then started participating more. Not that he was totally useless, just out long hours - usually the ones when the children were awake!! He's great now, and does a lot around the house.

I think you need to tell him that couples counselling is make or break that if you can't reconnect on a better or deeper or level then you can't carry on having sex with him the way you feel now.

Tell him how much his behaviour has really hurt you and changed your feelings towards him and you have tried but can't fix it without him engaging with you.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your advice. I shall approach counselling subject with him again. I don't really think theres anything else I can do and getting it down on here and hearing others opinions has really helped clarify my thoughts.

I am astonished that my feelings have you turned. I had actually got my ducks in a row and told him I was moving out... I really was that unhappy and had completely detached from him in order to cope.

I won't lie it was awful for 2-3 years and it's taken more like 4 years to be out the other side. I'm glad I gave it another chance and if it hadn't worked out I would know that I gave it everything.

Forgiveness is not quick and easy and very difficult if the other person has never said sorry...

Honestly, I got to that point with exh.

We split for 6 months then got back together.

7 years later we split again. He isnt great with the kids. He is now they are easier he wasnt there when you needed him to help with the kids you both made.

My exh also had a huge issue with me taking a job where I got respect at work.

I would suggest trying counselling if that's what you really want. But only if you are going to try properly.

Life as a single parent is not easy. At all. But life is alot happier not living with someone I dont want to. The kids are happy because there isnt the tension, the grumpiness etc.

I live in a smaller house, in a less prestigious area and its bliss.

I have a dp who lives down the road. He is more supportive the exh ever was and I fancy the pants off him. The kids like him, though dont spend a huge amount of time with him.

Breaking up a family because you dont want sex with the other person may seem harsh. But unless both are happy without sex, it leads to resentment and the death of affection. Splitting in those conditions usually leads to a very messy split.

8 years ago I hit the menopause and I went of sex and didn't fancy my partner any more. I tried and tried and talked and talked and it was pointless. I am not saying that you are going through the menopause but I get how you are constantly thinking about not finding your partner attractive. I used to make all the excuses in the land to not have sex. My partner was very understanding and we did what we could. Fast forward 4 years. He left me 4 years ago for a younger woman, I have now been through the menopause and my drive is back big time (my poor boyfriend!!) and I am back to normal and happy. The point I am trying to make is you really need to get your sexual relationship back if you can through therapy or working just on your self as I would hate you to be a victim of your husband leaving due to an affair where the other woman gave him what was lacking. Sorry to sound harsh but it was hell when it happened to me but I am aware that I was 50% the cause of our break down and I just didn't want him anymore. I really dont want you or any other woman to feel the rejection, hurt and pain when someone leaves you for the mistress. It was hell. Thankfully I am now very happy and healthy and my partner is enjoying my libido! Work on yourself, go to the GP to rule out any hormonal problems and do anything you can to help get you both back on track.