My mother didn't want me.

[Brownwool]

Can you ever really recover from this? My dm didn't want me, she only kept me so that I might 'serve' her & make her feel better. She said abortions weren't available when she conceived me or she'd have had one. This is the first bond we have, the experience that moulds our brains with our identity. I grew in side someone who didn't want me & it's stamped through my dna. I still struggle with this now, decades later, because I have no internal imprint for unconditional love & acceptance. You can't imagine how hard it is. I keep telling myself it's like having a disability & I need to grow something new to adapt but I find it a struggle. Anyone got any wise words?

No wise words really, but I understand. My mother was very similar. She never showed me any affection, was very abusive. It certainly took its toll on my self worth and confidence but once I came to realise that we make our own life and that if we hold on to the past, we can never move on, I became my own successful and content person. You need to take a deep breath, release and let go of the past

Mine was the same- my parents separated and she very quickly said she didn’t want me or my brother. We lived with my dad, I was 4 at the time. We used to see her every Sunday, never once did she show me any affection, she never spent time with us on our birthdays or Xmas, never said a word about why she didn’t want to spend more time with us.

It’s taken me to get into my 50s before I got help form a counsellor.

It was so, so helpful. She made me understand that my mother was an inadequate mother, that her rejection of me was nothing to do with me, but everything to do with her. Honestly I wish so much I’d got counselling earlier. Go and ask your Dr abut counselling or go private if you can afford it.

My birth mother didn't want me, she only had me because abortion was illegal. Don't blame her really as a 17 yo in a fucked up country. She refused to hold me,feed me or look at me.

My adoptive mother wanted me, well who she thought I should or could be. I never was that child or grownup.

It's not in my DNA, it's not who I am. While my experiences shaped me,they don't define me.

Get yourself to therapy, it has changed my world. I’m and only child and grew up with a mother who frequently told me she should never have me whilst over-investing herself in my life, perpetually critical and every mistake I ever made as a teen and young woman was frequently thrown back in my face well into my 30’s. I used to feel a permanent sense of shame. Even my late miscarriage caused her to ask me why I cause her so much heartache.
Therapy taught me about subtlety laying boundaries whilst keeping a reasonable relationship with her. She knows things on a need to know basis now. Therapy helped me heal myself of the guilt and shame she made me feel about everything and to learn how to trust people, if you grew up unable to trust your mother to love and nurture you then it’s very difficult to build meaningful relationships.
When she starts her shit with me now I’m able to shut her down and not feel like a 10 year old girl hanging her head in shame.
You can change how you feel if you get some outside help.
My heart really does go out to you

Excuse typos, rush typing on phone!

Yep same boat. All I remember is her telling me daily she didn’t want me, wished she’d never had me, can’t wait for the day I got out of her life. I remember being dumped on my nan’s doorstep at the age of 3. Never any affection, no hand hold, no cuddles, never attended anything at school or take / collected me from school. (My nan did that). She’d send us to bed of an evening and then bugger off out, same at weekends, she’d disappear, with very clear words what would happen if we said anything to anyone. Go weeks or days without speaking to us.

I’ve been no contact for a very long time now, I’m middle 40’s.

Not sure how I’ll feel when she dies. Grieve for the mother I never had perhaps, but certainly not the mother I ended up with