Dating Advice Please

[Zippy25]

Hi
On and off over several years I have been on paying and free dating sites. I have met a few men who I liked (over a few years) and the attraction seemed mutual. I dated them for about a month and then they haven't wanted to commit. Two of them have gone on to have relationships with other people.

Whilst being single I have done evening courses and joined a social club. I wanted to broaden my horizons and meet new people. I thought it would be a nice bonus if I met a partner but I didn't.

I am independent, have my own home, work, have friends. I'm not bigging myself up but I've been told I look good for my age and I'm attractive. I've done interesting things so hopefully I can hold a good conversation. I try to be a nice person and I'm learning to have boundaries. I'm not pushy and don't demand commitment. You can't really after a month of dating. I just try to enjoy the dates.

I just don't know why it seems so difficult to have a relationship or what I'm doing wrong. Suggestions on a postcard please lol ........

It may sound patronising, but I’d suggest just to try and stop worrying about it. It’s usually at the point you relax and “don’t care” one way or the other that you find someone you click with.

Thanks for your reply which isn't patronising at all. I do try to enjoy life as much as possible. At the moment I'm not that bothered about finding a partner. I'm licking my wounds after the last one.

Have you asked these men why they didn't want to commit to you?

Relationships need two things: chemistry and compatibility. Do not compromise on either. You should know from the first date whether you "click" and fancy them, but you also need to be honest about your core values (such as religious, political or ethical beliefs) - mention those as early as possible and disregard men whose beliefs don't match yours.

You could also try specialist dating websites or events for your core beliefs - I met my DH at vegetarian speed dating!

It is very difficult. To be blunt, I wonder if you come across as still not over your ex and consequently very vulnerable, or as a bit desperate. I know you says you're very independent but you are actively pursuing these men and dating them until they finish it with you. I rarely date anyone for a whole month; I'm rarely that comparable with anyone. I only continue to date people for any period of time if I see it seriously going anywhere. This means that I have a lot of first dates and few second. And it's rare to have a third or more. And I'm ok with this and spend a lot of time single. You don't sound as ok with it as you profess to be and I suspect it's coming across.

Littlekitty - thanks for your suggestion. I think these men were probably chatting to other people.

Surlycurly - I didn't really pursue these men. Two of them messaged me first and I let them all take the lead. Perhaps I get too involved too quickly. I've been on lots of first dates too. It's rare for me to click with someone.

Thank you for your responses. It's making me look at the situation in a different way

I honestly just think it's a numbers game, just keep on meeting people and it's bound to click with someone. Good luck!