Seperating from Porn addict partner but still living together

[TashaD22]

Hi Guys,

Some of you may remember my post a few weeks ago about my struggles with my partner who is a porn addict. I would be grateful for all your advice again if possible . Just a little back story for anybody who didnt read my previous thread, I have been with him for 10 years and was constantly finding Fake Instagram accounts following near enough 1,000 women, hundreds of ass pictures saved to his photo gallery on any given week and a browser history with porn so long you could write a scripture. This all coupled with the lack of intimacy and the inability to keep an erection during sex because he was in love with the feeling of his hand. I had been dealing with this for years and each time he promised he would stop but he got more secretive and kept an app lock on his phone.
I couldn't take it any longer and confronted him almost three weeks ago. I told him that I would stand by him if he admitted he had a porn addiction and would help him. He basically clammed up and refused to engage with me and told me he thinks were not working out and that he will move. I was in shock but finally said thats fine by me and didnt put up a fight, this is what I would normally do and end up an emotional wreck. He was so cold towards me and just wouldn't engage at all, he slept on the sofa for a further week until I decided to approach him again . I didnt do this to work anything out with him but felt I needed clarity so I could let "go". He told me that I over reacted about the whole Instagram thing and that he genuinely had a reason for the account existing, but would not explain it to me because I didn't "deserve" an explanation for jumping to conclusions and that my words that night really embarrassed him and that I should word things differently He also said that he never agreed not to follow all these women and that he doesn't feel that he is doing anything wrong. I was crushed that he couldn't see how this was all effecting me and he said I am the one causing this emotional turmoil for myself. I broke down in tears and sobbed in front of him like an idiot and he didn't even react. Stood there with a face of stone. I told him I need him to move out and he said fine but that it will take him about three months to save up for a deposit and months rent and time to actually find a place, now I live in Ireland and there is a housing crisis so its not easy to find accomodation.
How do I cope for the next few months and why does he insist on talking to me and acting normal with me when we are done? Him smiling at me is enough to turn my stomach. Im so hurt by his lack of empathy and his willingness to throw 10 years down the drain without any consideration for what his selfishness has done to me. I'm only now realising that he is gaslighting me and I never knew it existed. I would rather he be gone sooner but what can I do. Any advice guys? I don't want to get back with him I just don't know why he's acting so cold. Thanks as always , Tasha xox

Tasha, I remember your previous post. I think asking him to leave is the right decision. As for advice, is he also on the lease? Is there anywhere he (or you) could stay temporarily? How are you set financially? Could you afford to permanently move?

Finding closure will be difficult while he stays there. It's possible after so many years together he wants to keep things civilized, but it's also very possible that he's treating this as if it will go away and things can go back to "normal" if he acts as though nothing has happened.

Although this is painful now i promise you this will be the best decision you ever make in your life.

Personally i think droopy dave is hanging around in the hope that you whitewash over his behaviour and it can all go back to "normal"

You deserve so much better than a porn addicted letch who has nothing to offer, and im glad you realise that.

Your best decision ever to leave. Be strong and whatever you do, don't take the looser back. Go over to Reddit, r/loveafterporn to see how bad your life will be if you stay, that should help you get through the next few months.

Ignore him and his coldness. He's a waste of space choosing wanking to women that probably wouldn't touch him with a barge pole irl, to a real woman.

It's his loss.

Set a date. Less than the time he asked for. If he has not saved etc - his problem not yours. Be firm though. Goodluck.

I am not sure of the law around accommodation in Ireland but in the UK, if he's not on the tenancy then you can give him 48hrs notice to leave. I'd seek legal advice to get him out asap. He probably thinks in the space of 3 months he can wear you down again.

What @cokecola said. And whatever you do, don't change your mind, because he's never going to change, especially after 10 years.

I'm assuming people mentioned the word Narcissist in your last post. Because he is definitely displaying cluster b personality traits of some sort.

No empathy for a hurt partner - is not normal.
Gaslingting too, is not something a normal human does, it is the domain of the disordered.

They can also act as if nothing is going on when your world is crashing down. And often we can't understand how anyone could be like that, especially when they are our partner and supposed to care about us. Here's the thing - they don't care about us. It is that simple. They view YOU in the same way he views those Instagram images, only there for his needs: feelings irrelevant, needs irrelevant, marriage irrelevant (And how dare you, a 2d image, call him out on his behaviour or desires, HA! ) They do not ever admit mistakes and it'll be a cold day in hell before he apologises for hurting you.

His problem goes far deeper than a porn addiction. He is empty inside and all he will ever do, is take.

You mentioned his smile turns your stomach. I assume this is just part of the 'he doesn't seem phased' thing but, just incase, google 'narcissistic smirk'. I've seen a few of 'them' do that and it is stomach churning because it shows you exactly what they feel about you - contempt.

Please get away, fast. If your name isn't on the lease then go now, if it is then maybe you could phone the people on it to see f they would take you off it. You cannot take him at his word, he is a liar and he will likely get 3 months down the line and tell you he isn't moving. Start making plans to move yourself.

Oh and ps: never call him a narcissist, he WILL turn it round on you. It's rule 101 when dealing with his kind.