my husband suddenly out of nowhere wants to be intimate but ..................................................

[chaudnon]

hes not normally like this and its quite disconserting , it should be great as he thinks we desperately need to have that side of our relationship sorted out ( who is this man and were did my previous dh go ????) , as its been difficult for years,BUT.............................I seem to have NILLLL libido, my dd2 is nearly a year old and Ive not long had surgery down below and its been nearly a year since we did anything at all.

This is very unlike me as I used to have a higher libido than him (in pregnancy I was constantly on heat !!! ) and its making it really tense and uncomfortable between us. Twice now we've had an evening to be intimate (wine, bath,chocs etc) and Ive just not been able to get sexual at all ;nothing , no feeling , no arousal .

I know I could be harbouring anger towards him and I think that is holding me back. We've talked about it alot , but Im not getting anywhere with how I feel. Or it could simply be resentment about him being free and not me ,or it could be the coil,when Im at the end of my cycle Im feeling something,but in between ZILCHO, I really dont know. . I sound very confused dont I !!!

I said to him that it was just nice to have a bath together and massage as that is closeness we havent had ,and its an important move but he wants passion and kissing and all the extras that lead on!!! I just dont feel that with him right now.

Im a regular here and changed my name so my dh doesn't get embarrassed if he sees this and also I could talk more freely as others know me in rl.

I just dont know what to do

Well, it sounds like sex has alot of emotional baggage for you and your dh right now chaudnon. I wonder if there is anyway that you can both try to take some of the seriousness and "depth of feeling" out having sex and just see it as a more of a fun way to have some recreational time together? It doesn't have to always be mind-blowing and sometimes if you consciously try to remove some of the expectations associated with intimacy and just have more of a laugh with it, you find you get closer to a relationship that you can both be happy with.

Just take it slowly. I think women get hornier the more regularly they have sex and if you haven't had sex for a long time, you're therefore less likely to feel like it now. I would point out that you can't be expected to go from 0-60 in 30 seconds and that (as I put it to dh) your engine needs warming up and running in a bit before you get down to the nitty gritty!

yes there is a lot of water under the bridge with regards to sex and intimacy , I think Ive had problems there since dd1 was born and its caused a lot of anguish and awkwardness for us both.

Its how to take the intensity of emotions away, I just cant seem to relax into it.

yes thats it mumpbump, its how to get it into dh's head that I need warming up gradually over several attempts!!!. I said I cant flick a switch on after nothing.

My dh and I had a sort of epiphany after having ds (now in his 2s) which was that we were spending waaaay too much time agonising about when to have sex and when not to have sex and why certain things bothered us and why we were upset with the other persons' lack of libido, or pressure to do it the right way etc etc, and in the time we spent discussing it we could have actually done it a fair few times.

I think that post baby sex is one of those things where you just need to do it - get it over and done with. Don't expect the earth to move, (it might, but don't expect it to!) and just try to enjoy the moment as much as you can and as an intimate experience between you both. And I do agree with MB, that doing it regulary is what is most likely to remove the "weirdness" from the whole thing, but that doesn't mean that it won't be a bit awkward the first time. Have a glass of wine, put on some nice lingerie, close the bedroom door, and be willing to giggle about it a bit. It is a big deal for you because of the history, but leave the history outside the room and just think that you are sharing some grown up time with the person you chose to have your beautiful dd with!
(or don't think at all, if that helps!)

Sorry, there is no magic solution, but remember sex should be fun, so try to remember that! A little sense of humour in the bedroom (as in many areas of life) can help remove the awkwardness.

yes , its very much a back to basics I think. Its soo weird being blocked like this (I dont like it ) and the longer we leave things , the worse it will be.

I put some special undies on last night under my pjs with the thought that Id surprise hm later in the evening,I really felt sorta in the mood , in the end I just chickened out , lost the feeling and he went to bed , took them off in the bathroom whilst he was snoring away in bed, he didnt even realise , its sort of funny and all at the same time.

I think that's rather sad... Can you go out on a date or something so that you can simply enjoy each other's company and try to re-connect?

Something I have seen suggested elsewhere is actually agreeing that you will not have full sex for, say, a month. I think the theory behind it is that you can indulge in lots of foreplay without you worrying that he is going to expect full on sex at the end of it.

It was April 2005 when I last had sex.
I too have just had major surgery down there.
You aren't alone.
Short post - baby woken!

Weve gone on quite a few "dates", we have a nice evening and then we just get into bed , read and go to sleep !!!! we just dont have that sexual link/rhythm in our relationship , as said before , you get out of practise.

Its also very hard after a year , 2 babies and an op.

I also think we need a night away from the house , but its getting some help with the kids fr 48hrs so we can relax a bit and feel they are safe and well looked after through the night, had a scare with the baby which all adds to my anxiety.

My word twang thats a long time, how you going with all this then ??????????????