Did your father make little effort to be a father but blame your mother for turning you against him?

[DidYourDadDoThis]

Can you tell me the effect that that that had on you, and what if anything would you have liked your mother to do to support you.

Back story, my x, a narcissist, things were ticking along for a while but on DD's birthday he rang her repeatedly and she didn't pick up. She was then afraid to talk to him. She also feels that he didn't respect her right to be unavailable. Then he stopped paying maintenance and she feels angry that the catalyst for this was something she did. He wrote a couple of letters reprimanding her and labelling me twisted. (I've literally never prevented him from coming to see her. I've brought her to see him. Many times I would have liked more freedom, so honestly it is just utter bullshit that I am responsible for this breakdown).

He never takes any responsibility for anything. He's a blamer. And I guess she has outgrown him emotionally. I am not telling her to contact him. But I have said to her that maybe she could think about sending one or two 'hello' type texts while she thinks about what she wants in the future.

If your father blamed your mother for his poor relationship with you, what did you think? Could your mother have done anything to help you?

Just keep talking. Talk it all through with her. Open communication and her being allowed to say and feel anything soothes a lot of pain. How old is she? I was 14 when I went through this. I knew the reality of who my dad was but it didn't stop it hurting. I just wanted my mum to acknowledge and maybe show that she understood. Instead it was never talked about again.

During the first few years after their divorce, my father told anyone who would listen that my mother was 'stopping' him seeing us and trying to turn us against him- which was total rubbish.
My mother was always honest about the fact that while she did not love my dad any more that we always would and that she wanted him to have a relationship with us.
And when my dad started his pity party up again she would ask us how we felt and reiterate that she wanted us to have a relationship with him.
Kids aren't dumb, they can tell which adults in their life are willing to put the work in and which ones aren't.
I'd just keep it an open conversation, ask your daughter if she feels there is any truth to his words and just let her know that you support her.

Very similar situation here. My DDs are 16 and 18 now and have been getting more and more disenchanted with their dad over a long period. They adored him when they were young so this has been a really painful process for them of realising he is not the person they thought he was. The impact on theIr confidence/self-esteem is massive and the older one has had quite serious mental health problems. The truth is he was always a narcissist but he's one of those 'fun' types who appeared like an amazing dad when mainly he was getting off on being worshipped. He also spent loads of time with them when they were young but mainly because he's a lazy git and didn't want to be working. When I left him he found someone else in a couple of weeks and moved 2 hours away to live with her. He expected the girls to stay in touch by text and phone so he could regale them with his amazing new life (the woman us rich and knows a lot of semi-famous people) and barely bothered to see them- maybe 5 times a year for a few hours at a time. Everything is about him - theres no interest in what they're doing. He didn't know they've just done GCSEs and A levels. Their least favourite part is he always wants to go over the divorce and get them to agree it was all my fault - if they say anything about how they feel he becomes abusive and screams at them that they are spoilt fucking bitches and princesses expecting the world to fall at their feet. At the moment neither of them are picking up the phone and he thinks that's down to me as well.

Like pp have said kids aren't stupid.

My dd always saw her dad when little.

As she grew things became apparent.

After a few years of not seeing each other -dd was at uni and dad has moved away he started texting her.

She was a bit

Some of the things he said were a bit odd and her uni friends were asking how such a lovely girl could be related to this 'idiot ' ?

Anyway she has no interest anymore and doesn't speak to him.

@Lauren850, thanks for that post. It's so unsettling to be blamed for something that you know is untrue. I have over the years wondered if facilitating a relationship between young kids and a man I know to be a narcissist was in their best interest. I felt like i had to go with it until he let them down and they saw that. They do see it now, and out of loyalty to him don't discuss their conclusions with me, but I know they have emotionally outgrown him. He will always always blame me, I just have to accept that. Cos it aint changin'.

@Bluebutterfly90, thanks for your post, again, like your mother, I have never really communicated anything other than relief that I'm not in a relationship with him anymore. I haven't run him down but when he accuses or changes the goalposts or stops paying or makes me jump through hoops or attempts to shame me, they have been witness to the frustrations that have leaked out. I never said ''that man is a bastard I hate him'' but they would have been very aware that I found it impossible to deal with him, they are aware I find him very unreasonable and very difficult, and a blamer.

So I guess he perceives that backdrop as me turning them against him.

I'm a bit scared he'll do something crazy.

@Mycatatetherat, thanks for your post. Eldest 16, youngest 13. I have tried to tell her that if she isn't certain she wants a rift, then the easiest thing might be to just send texts sufficiently frequent to stop him from getting upset. I'm trying to frame it in a ''keep your options open'' way as I don't want to tell her to ''be nice to that angry indignant man who doesn't respect your boundaries and hasn't asked why you took a step back'' as that would be a bad message to send a young woman. I think you're entitled to take a step back from your parent. I've no idea what's actually going through her head but she went out and we had a big hug!

@Robin2323 thank you. So many in this situation. Either because their own dad let them down or because their child's father isn't up to ''a connection''. You can't just pick up the baton and have an easygoing relationship after a decade or so of blaming or sulking or being distracted by a new family or whatever it was that prevented communication with children.

I feel you need to ask your DC "what do you think you should do?", "How are you feeling about what he's done?", "what do you think will happen if you do x?"

This is an approach from "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" I think they need adult help to work out what's going on in their own head and hearts and they do need your help and support to build boundaries against a narcissist both their father and future partners that will instinctively seek them out as easy prey...

Same here OP - wondering if I did the right thing encouraging (or at least not challenging ) the relationship when they were younger. Definitely doesn't feel good but I think you're right about letting them discover the truth themselves. I am supporting them now in seeing all the negatives - awful as this is for them- as I don't want them to continue with any illusions. He is incapable of feeling for them- said to.my eldest recently 'no wonder you're depressed as your life has no purpose'. Do you know the worst thing about all this? He's a trained therapist and his main job is as a student counsellor at a really prestigious university!! He tells constant stories of the young people whose lives he's 'turned around' and tells my girls how lucky they are to have him as a dad.

Even though dd saw her dad ewe there came a time when she wouldn't stop over.

Dad had moved a few miles out of town to a 3 story house.

Instead of sharing with step sister in a cosy bedroom, she was given her own room - in the attic (her words).

She never stopped over again.

I always let my daughter lead.

She used to go all day Sunday instead.

I think if your children know you'll support them either way they will have the confidence to see, or not see Dad appropriately without any guilt.