Anyone whose ex lives 3+hrs away, how often does he see the children?

[givemeallthecarbs]

After some perspective here...
ExH moved 3 1/2 hrs away. He earns a high 6 figure salary so he can afford to rent a flat/drive/travel. Used to have EOW plus 1 night. New relationship, quickly remarried -> Cancelling weekends, contact chipping away. Now says can only manage school holidays and the odd weekend because work/distance/whatever. He is making me sound the unreasonable one for suggesting that seeing as he is free as a bird to do what he likes with his weekends, maybe he could drive down to see the children that he brought into this world. History of gaslighting and fuckwittery. Just after others' experiences, what arrangements work for you?

Ex dh moved 300 miles away within 4 weeks of us separating. This is despite our plan being to co parent and for him to always be a massive part of their lives....
10 years on, dd actively avoids him, at 18 she's worked out for herself what kind of parent he is and in her words is 'done'
Ds is 14, he sees his Dad maybe 5 times a year but increasingly he is reluctant to see him, unfortunately all contact is on their dads terms and ds (like dd at his age) is starting to feel resentful that he has to compromise and fit around his dad.
So not a great tale from me, hopefully someone may have a more positive experience?

Thanks @velocitygirl7
that's it really. DC are acutely aware that he is making zero effort, it makes me so sad for them

It is heartbreaking, my ex has thrown all sorts at my 2 over the years. He's had more dc and there's even a genuinely evil stepmother for them to deal with too
But they have me and a great stepdad and I have tried very hard over the years to be more than enough for them. I've know I've been very hard on myself and have never missed a single important moment or event in their lives, simply because I know they always have a gap where their Dad should be.
I once limped to their school, a few days post major surgery, so that I was there for a school production!
They have me 100% and unconditionally and I'm starting to think they are ok after all they have been through!

My Dad left my Mum for OW. Moved 3 hours away. Probably saw us for one school night a month, if that. The odd weekend we were ‘allowed’ to come visit his house we were made to feel unwelcome and SM would send us home (I too had an evil ‘stepmother’)

I probably need counselling- it felt awful but I turned out okay. I have a lovely family of my own and have learned a lot from my own childhood.

You sound like a nice thoughtful Mum, he’ll probably be a Disney Dad but they will see that and always have you. Keep doing what you’re doing being there for them.

Well it’s his loss. Good more for you. He will regret it.

My exW moved our DC over three hours away. I fought the move in court (and lost, obviously) and ended up with EOW and half holidays.

So fucking generous of the “family” court, particularly after 50:50 for 2 years before the move.

I see them as much as I can on top of the designated time. It’s expensive and a lot more of my contact time is spent travelling than I’d want.

Yep exh moved 300 miles away.. Xmas, birthdays and the odd day... but checked out but would argue not! Fool ... just sad for dcs.

My xh moved 4 hours away. He sees dd for a week 3 times a year. Apparently this is my fault, despite the fact we had maintained eow plus one weeknight until he moved.

My mum moved me 3 hours away, my dad did all the travelling and saw me for a weekend every 3 to 4 weeks - took me to his (so 12 hours driving for him each time). I know this goes against key mumsnet philosophy of the person moving does the travelling, but my mum still did the vast majority of parenting beyond the 12hours travelling once or twice a month. Then he took me for longer in the school holidays (so I'd be split between them).
Now I adore both my parents, moved to a uni in the middle and until recently have always always lived on the pathway between them. Now due to work reasons, I live around the corner from my dad and see him on average once a week and my mum once a month or so (though we talk most days).
It can be done, but he has to want to parent.

My Mum moved 2.5 hours away when I was 4. I used to see her for, 1 week at Christmas & Easter, 3 weeks in the summer & either October or February half term, so 6 weeks total a year. Dad would take me up, she would bring me back. I went nc from when I was 13 until I was 20. The catalyst for that was her sending a letter via her solicitor (I was going through a rebellious phase, it only lasted 6 months) accusing my Dad (who had been rp from just before my 4th birthday) of “using her for childcare when he wanted a break”. Some parents are crappy, but children do get to an age where they start to understand that & make their own decisions based on the parents actions (or lack of)

Different to your situation, but my exH changed his weekly Saturday visits to once a fortnight because 'he couldn't afford the petrol'. He lives a 20 minute car ride away.

I've lost count now of the other car-related excuses he gives for not seeing DD.

My dad relocated 4hr car journey ride away after my parents divorce and he traveled down to see us for a weekend every 3 weeks. He would also take us to his place every half term, half of the easter holidays and half summer holidays. We spent 1 Christmas and new years with him but we preferred to have xmas at home with mum so we could see our relatives, friends etc.

I moved 250 miles back to family after my divorce. Ex was living 4 hrs away but moved to make it 3 hrs, he sees the dc eow and a week at Easter/Xmas/Summer and a couple of extra days during half term holidays ( also a high earner with lots of travel). He collects them early on a saturday as they have a club that finishes late on a friday and we meet half way on a sunday (i also work on his weekends otherwise we would meet halfway on both journeys). They go to his house about 70% of the time and the rest he has them from my house and he stays in an air b and b. The dc have been doing this for 3 years and they are 10, 5 and nearly 4. My ex may have been an arsehole to me but he loves and misses the dc, did have to push for the extra holiday contact though as told him it was not fair on me to cover 13 weeks of school holidays when i was self employed when he got 6 weeks annual leave!

Ex is 200 miles away but comes up EOW and stays nearby with relatives. I moved but he travels usually so the kids don't have to. As a pp said, I don't do the travelling often because a) it would mean the kids having to travel and b) I do 95% of all the actual parenting and he pays CMS minimum which comes nowhere close to 50% of the costs. He does about 50% of holidays. If your ex can afford to maintain a place to have them then that's great but if you are doing most of the day to day, don't let him guilt you into splitting the travelling.

He lives over 2 hours away and does EOW and 4 weeks of the school holidays per year.

3 hours here and eow. I have many posts about it on here! He moved away. Ds is autistic and the travelling is an issue for him. Ex doesn't care. We meet half way at a service station.

I can never understand why if you move away....you expect your child to travel?! My dcs miss so many social events and if I ask the ex to maybe come and visit them for a weekend instead I'm told 'I'm not made of money'

Dd is finding it increasingly difficult when she has a party etc to go to. She will want to attend the party but feels bad she's letting her dad down. She's 7!

I don't think either dcs will have a great relationship with their dad as teens and as they grow to an adult, I think they will barely see him

@sarahfairy I hear you! My dcs dad expects them to do all the travelling and as you are predicting, they hit the teen years and stopped wanting to see him.
My dd actually wrote to her Dad at around 13, saying she loved seeing him but wanted him to be part of her life eg see where she lives, be part of her out of school clubs etc His response was basically, you need to come to me, I don't want to visit you
Guess what? She no longer sees him.
It makes my blood boil!!

@velocitygirl7 how awful for your dd! I bet it took guts to write that letter too, hugs

I fear we will end up the same. I've already told my ex that when ds starts secondary school next year, he will need to stop travelling for the foreseeable. He's going to an special needs secondary and will be getting a taxi home. I'm not willing for him to do a 3 hour journey when I don't even know what time he will be home - the school is not near our house and I'm predicting about a 40 min journey home. Plus he will be massively overwhelmed and exhausted and tired. He's not travelling until we get into a routine and he's happy at school. I put this in an message to my ex and told him he has a year to sort something if he wants to come and visit. I got no response.

I've literally had to battle to get my son a place at this school. He didn't even ask anything about the school. He's just a twat.

Good for you, secondary school is exhausting for them when they first start, especially when there is often a reasonably long journey there and back.
I hope your ex can eventually see this, my ex used to except dd & ds to travel 300 miles on Friday after school, despite them having had a full day and 40 minutes travel either way to get there. He'd have the day off as well!!!

@velocitygirl7

And let me guess...we're the dcs shattered when they came back on Sunday? Ds has had several Monday's off school because he's just too tired.

Soon as ex drops the dcs off it's a case of 'our if sight, out of mind' and I'm left to deal with 2 tired, miserable and emotional kids who have eaten nothing but takeaways and crap as he can't even be bothered to feed them properly! He told me not too long ago he 'sits and cries at the service station' for half an hour after they've gone because he will miss them so much. However he never really speaks to them in between....I've told him he's always welcome to ring them. It's all just a load of bollocks

Did your ex used to FaceTime and contact the kids in between visits? My ex used to FaceTime about 3 times a week. Now it's virtually zero because I never ring him with them first!! I'm busy looking after them lol

Feel so sorry for your dcs but I'm sure you are doing a fab job of raising them. You clearly have their best interests at heart which is what counts. My ex accuses me of being controlling etc etc...I'm not at all. I'm just being a parent and care about my kids!

@sarahfairy omg do we have the same ex?!!
Yep, I've been accused of being controlling, a shit mother etc He also goes weeks without calling them and then if they miss his call or don't respond swiftly to his texts, they are criticised!
He's never paid regular maintenance and the last time he gave me any money (£40!) was about 6 years ago. He did it in front of the dc and told me to make sure I spent it on them!! My dh was so angry when he heard that he basically told me to never accept a penny from him again (no need, he's never offered anything since!)
How old are your dc?

@velocitygirl7 I was thinking the same though it wouldn't actually surprise me as he was a serial cheat but that's another story!!

Gosh how dare he say that to you?! Ridiculous! My ex isn't too bad with the maintenance but I get it thrown in my face. He thinks he's dad of the year because his latest gf has children and her ex doesn't pay maintenance. I should be grateful to him apparently!

They are 7 and almost 10. How about yours?

I've had a couple of people say to me that the dcs will realise who's brought them up and they will appreciate me so much - my mums friend was in a similar situation to ours and the bond she has with her kids now is great. They are all so close. She has grandchildren who love her to bits. The dad has recently tried to contact his children now they are all grown up and explain his 'side of things' but the dcs weren't interested.

Aww so still young, I feel for you all, it's tough when they are younger. Mine are 18 & 14, so at a very different stage. It's hard when they finally see their dad for who he is, it's so sad and I worry that the feeling of 'not being good enough or worth the effort to see them will affect them long term
You're right, one bonus is it very much has made me a bit of a hero in their eyes. I've done everything for them for their whole lives and we're all very close. I'm sure it must be the same for you (and others in our shoes!)

My DSDs mum moves DSD 3 hours away and we still manage every other weekend or sometimes 1 in 3 if a school holiday is coming up where we see her longer. Sometimes we go up and take DSD away nearby for the weekend so she’s not travelling quite so much

@user1493413286 love this! Well done for putting the child first