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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do, please help

45 replies

givenup455 · 19/07/2019 19:37

Hi, new to MN.

My DP and I have been together 7 years. We're childhood sweethearts.

DP was at uni when he first cheated on me. He cheated with 1person (sex), then another (unprotected sex) , 2 girls (sexual touching) then another 3 just kissing etc.
I forgave (stupid I know)

He's just got a grad job, I've started a new job etc. He seems to mention one person all the time. She moaned her life is crap, her husband wants to die, her kid isn't well etc etc. I just feel so bloody stupid, trapped and I don't know what to do.

She really is causing me to stress as I can predict this behaviour and know she's trying to get Dps good nature. :(

OP posts:

31RueCambon · 19/07/2019 20:40

Take it one day at a time OP. When I split up from a long term partner in my early twenties I ''bought'' myself a social life to begin with to replace him and fill time. I joined a book club, I joined a gym, I did art lessons, I took up music classes again. I KEPT BUSY and it was scary at first but do you know what a huge part of self-esteem is?

It's self-efficacy. Do this and you will from here on in feel, know, that you are in control of your life. LIfe is not what happens to you. If you stay with him, you'll feel that a mediocre (to shit, more likely) life came at you and happened to you while you passively accepted it.

If you are brave enough to end it even though you don't know what will happen next then you'll feel brave and you'll know that you have control over your life.

You're only 22, trust me, knowing that if you're knee deep in mediocre shit that you're used to, that you have the impetus to walk away, that's a life skill. And it gets easier.

I walk away from shit now, if it even laps at my toe I walk away.

DidYourDadDoThis · 19/07/2019 20:41

Take it one day at a time OP

Candymay · 19/07/2019 20:49

Keep that 10k! Your parents want it for you. You are young. See if you can step away a day at a time. Could you go travelling? That’s great for gaining perspective; confidence; happiness. And it would give you a plan and a focus. Good luck!

rosegoldwatcher · 19/07/2019 20:50

Don't think 'alone.' Think 'FREE!!!'

DidYourDadDoThis · 19/07/2019 20:53

good book OP, I bought it and read it in a new relationship and it helped me feel very comme ci comme ca about the relationship continuing or ending

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 19/07/2019 20:55

Oh you're so young. There's a big wide world out there full of decent young men who'll treat you properly. Go and find one.

If you marry him you'll have a miserable life.

Listen to us - we're old and wise

BlackBirdInMyGarden · 19/07/2019 20:56

Start making plans for all the things you can do with the 10K that do not involve tying yourself to this cheat.

I know it seems scary but you've just finished uni - you have your whole life ready and waiting for you - please don't waste what could be some incredible years with someone who is going to make you miserable.

And honestly, it is far, FAR scarier to wake up one day and realise you wastes all of your twenties on a total loser.

snowbear66 · 19/07/2019 20:56

I think that he sounds very arrogant and selfish and you need to leave before you get too tied down with him.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 19/07/2019 20:57

22? You have 6 more decades to live your life. Why waste it on a man who can't keep his dick to himself and has zero respect for you?

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 19/07/2019 21:00

Be glad he's shown you loud and clear who he is before you got married and had children. You're 22, there is so much fun to be had once you're free of this arse!! Hardly anyone settles down that young. Enjoy!

CatInADoghouse · 19/07/2019 21:04

It's scary to make that step to leave someone but you really need to! He will do the same thing again and again because he knows he can, you'll just stay with him and forgive him.
You are worth so much more than this! You're only 22! So young! Set yourself free from this loser!!

julensaor · 19/07/2019 21:12

You are so young. You will feel so empowered if you take control of this situation now (sad yes, lonesome yes, but you can ride the wave, most of us on here have had to do similar for a variety of reasons, there is always that first great hurt or loss) and it will serve you so well for future relationships. Trust me you will look back and say I am so proud of myself for doing that and someone special and worth your time will come into your life in the future, but not if you are still stuck with this muppet.

Original poster

givenup455 · 19/07/2019 21:16

I just want to thank each and everyone of you. I felt like it was just me being silly feeling this

OP posts:

Lawnmowingsucks · 19/07/2019 21:19

You're so young with decades ahead to live and be happy and joyful. Please don't tie your life to a deadbeat deadweight dickhead cheater

litterbird · 19/07/2019 21:26

I have a 21 year old daughter who split from a long term relationship 3 months ago, she is now happy, healthy, free and single and is enjoying life to the full. Joining gyms, travelling and building back strong friendships from her past. I have never seen her so happy and healthy and she is single! Try it you might be surprised how happy you are going to be. Being single isn't scary its freeing and exciting and full of possibilities!

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 19/07/2019 21:38

Fuck this. I know when you’re 22 seven years is a long time but honestly, it’s the sunk cost fallacy.... like, I’ve put so much time into this that I need to carry on otherwise that time will have been wasted. Trust me, the rest of your life will be more of a waste of you marry this wanker. He’s cheated on you SEVEN times. SEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!! In the same number of years. Bollocks to that.

Thehop · 19/07/2019 22:07

You’re so young and clearly clever. You have a bright future ahead of you/ please don’t throw it away on this cheating cock nostril waster.

Go be a huge success. It feels scary now, but you’ll be so gladness one day.

TheVoiceInTheShed · 20/07/2019 06:25

You know how you are feeling uneasy about this woman? Well periodically you are going to feel like that FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE if you don't get rid of the cheating scumbag

FuriousVexation · 20/07/2019 06:41

You got with him when you were 14/15? Honestly that's ridiculous when you think about how much you change and mature between that age and adulthood.

(When I was 14 I was a card-carrying member of the Communist party and referred to anyone who didn't share my views as a Fascist. I was also a militant vegetarian. And a militant "political lesbian". I was a fucking pain in the arse!)

It's natural that you've both grown in different ways since you met, and part of that is having sex with different partners and deciding what you enjoy. But normally you would do this AFTER breaking off the childhood relationship.

Senoritaforever · 20/07/2019 10:25

Most people don’t end up with the person they first go out with in their teens, even if it’s a long relationship (me included.)

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