Going NC with father

[smartcarnotsosmartdriver]

Hi everyone, I hope this is the right place for this. I've just had a conversation with my father that hasn't ended well and I'm pretty sure this will be us NC. It's something I've thought about for a long time but I know it's what's best really.
I won't bore you with all the details but in short he was abusive to my DM and very unkind and cruel to me and my DSis as children and adults. Although it's never his fault. She went NC about 3 years ago.
I'm just looking for some words of wisdom from those who have done it before me, have any of you regretted it? Was there anything you found particularly hard? I'm expecting our first child and I'm worried he might blame me for not having a grandad? How did you explain it to your kids?

Sounds like a horrible situation Not been through this myself but my dad was NC with his parents for most of my childhood and I while my siblings and I were curious as to why we didn't have contact with our grandparents, we never felt like we were missing out (though we did question why they were absent). If going NC is the right decision for you (and from the way you've described your father it sounds like it is), then once your DC is old enough you can just explain why and I'm sure they'll understand so don't let that influence your decision, would you actually trust him/want him around your child anyway?

NC?

No contact? Thought it was name change and v confused.

If the relationship brings you anxiety and he will take no responsibility, then do it.

My daughter's father will take NO responsibility. He has upset her. He cannot see. He blames me. It is hard to know what to do. I don't want to do what he always accuses me of doing (ie, dissuade her from having a relationship with him) but equally I don't want to pressure her in to a relationship with a man who doesn't see her, doesn't listen , blames, takes the meaning he wants to take, won't see reason.......... just blames blames blames. Also, he was abusive.

I feel so guilty that I ''chose'' that man as a father. I know it doesn't work like that but I wish I could give my daughter a father who had emotional awareness and common decency.

I feel bad for her.

Make the decision that suits you. Some people don't deserve their children.

@themimi yes sorry, no contact

@DidYourDadDoThis a lot of that sounds very familiar, nothing is ever his fault, him and my DM have been separated for 20 years but he's still very bitter. Accused me of being "just like her" don't think he was best pleased when I thanked him. None of this is his fault, it's kind of mine but mostly my mums, I'm just over putting so much hard work into something I get nothing out of.

I did it to my awful father after many years of him being a self centered arse. Funnily enough it was partly because I was pg for the first time
I decided that it was my choice to put up with his crap but I wasn’t exposing my child to it. I knew his solicitor ( he liked suing people ) so I wrote a very calm letter saying that I didn’t want him in my life anymore. I heard that he blamed DH because obviously it couldn’t be his fault.
I didn’t go and visit when he was dying in hospital or for the funeral and I have no regrets at all. I didn’t do it in anger or after a big argument or anything, I didn’t hate him, I wanted him to be happy in fact - I was just done

They always blame somebody else who has ''influenced'' you. You couldn't possibly have formed an opinion on your own!

I raised my daughter to have boundaries and not to people please and that is why this is all kicking off now. Soon she will be accused of being like me, yes, I can see that.

Sorry for hi-jacking the thread.

I know exactly how you feel. I grew up with my abusive father and witnessed it all. He was an absentee father for most of my life and would disappear for days on end only to appear and make my mum and siblings life an utter misery. I was NC with him for over 20 years. There was a death in the family and we started to talk again. When my mum passed away six years after the first bereavement, he showed his true colours again. He continues to deny the abuse and his abusive behaviour to his children. He is a bad grandparent to all but one of his seven grandchildren (who don't even acknowledge him anymore). For my own MH I am, along with other family members, now NC with him and I have no intention of speaking to him again.

I feel no guilt. In fact my life is much better for not having to see or hear from him.

Do what is best for you and your child. Feel no guilt and enjoy your life.

Went NC when I was 11, so 35 years ago. He was a negligent father, selfish and made us lie for him with his numerous mistresses.

The way I see it, he is the reason I am here, but that doesn't give him free will to treat me the way he did.

He tried to make amends when I was early 20s but I couldn't be bothered. He took very little responsibility for his actions, it was all about the chip on my shoulder

Oh, yes, and he never paid maintenance when he was meant to (and he could afford it) which caused my mum huge worry and anxiety.

Absolutely don't regret it

Dont regret it so far, although for me it’s my mother.

Had a chance to see her recently but didn’t want her to meet my dd as I could foresee all the judgement she would rain down on her. Even if not in my hearing.

Wasn’t going to put my dd through what I went through, even if at this stage she would have no memory of the encounter.

I wasn’t going to give her the chance.

DidYourDadDoThis

My daughter's father will take NO responsibility. He has upset her. He cannot see. He blames me. It is hard to know what to do. I don't want to do what he always accuses me of doing (ie, dissuade her from having a relationship with him) but equally I don't want to pressure her in to a relationship with a man who doesn't see her, doesn't listen , blames, takes the meaning he wants to take, won't see reason.......... just blames blames blames. Also, he was abusive.
Are you still with him?

For me, OP, it was my father. In childhood used to beat me with a leather belt he used to wear, and when he wasn't doing that he'd try to intimidate me verbally and was often verbally abusive. He's dead now - I don't miss him.

I went NC with my father (I’ve never called him dad) at 18 and it will be 10 years ago next year. I can honestly do it was the best thing I could have done and I have never regretted it for a second. I knew as soon as he didn’t fight for me that I was right to do it. The NC was due to emotional abuse as a child which has left a lasting impact on me but I was strong enough to get myself out of the situation that was causing me more trauma and you can too. To be honest I’ve never worried about what my kids would think. I have an amazing stepdad who is plenty good enough and I wouldn’t want them to be near my real father for a second, he is toxic and in my eyes not safe for them to be around. You have to do what’s right for you.

Thanks so much everyone @Iridescentglitter we decided long ago that if we were fortunate enough to have a child then we wouldn't allow him to be alone with them as I know how toxic he can be.

It's such a shame that so many of us have been through this in one way or another, I know I'm very lucky to have my DM, DSis and DH so I know we'll be fine, I guess it just feels strange to have put up with it all for so long and now suddenly draw a line in the sand? His argument was "what's changed" when in truth nothing has I've just reached my limit.

Better no Grandad than a nasty, toxic one.
Rubbish Dad makes a rubbish Grandad.
For what it's worth, I never knew either of mine, and I don't feel I've missed out. (Different circs, both died long before I arrived)