How to deal with MIL???

[Sunandmoonx]

How do you cope?
I can't help but resent my mother in law!
Reasons being;

• Never asked me anything about me or shown interest
• First time I met her I made loads of effort and all she said was how much she enjoyed my boyfriends wedding to his ex!!!
• She still is in contact with my bf ex who cheated on him
• More than anything the way my bf was brought up shocks me ie boarding on neglect, there was domestic violence etc until he was a bit older and his mum met her now husband. But there seemed a lack of love which makes me very upset.
• my bf whole family rely on him and owe him money which they've never paid back
• Announced our wedding. We and my parents paying for the whole wedding, she hasn't offered (ok, fine) but rather than congratulate us her first priority was getting the cheapest hotel!

Also it annoys me that my family are very close, my partner is treated like their son. They make loads of effort to make him feel welcome

She's not evil or means to be hurtful but I miss having that relationship with my MIL that I had with my ex. She was a really good friend and I loved our relationship. Shame my ex was crap!

I suppose my main irritation is how I feel my partner was neglected as a kid.

How do I work this out so I don't hold resentment or bitterness?!

All families are different. Not everyone is as fortunate as you (in the sense of having a fabulous family) and it's difficult to comprehend. I think you have to forget the past. Your DP still has a relationship with her so you have to respect that.

She sounds like she was testing you when she first met you - and you're still with her son so she has to respect that.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable with the wedding thing - she doesn't owe you a penny (especially if it's his second wedding!) and why shouldn't she book the cheapest hotel?
We're going to a wedding where they recommended we book a £350 a night room, but we're very happy with a travelodge.
She's going to spend hardly any time in the room, and why does it matter to you where she stays?

Some MILs don't want to be friends with their DILs - it's sad but hopefully she'll warm to you more over time. She's not mean or nasty so that's a good start!
She can't change the past and I'm certain that she would if she could

Sun

re your comment:-
"She's not evil or means to be hurtful but I miss having that relationship with my MIL that I had with my ex"

How can you write the first bit of the above in all good conscience given your earlier comments about her in your post?. His mother is both mean with money and love!!!. Your partner was neglected as a child and frankly still is by his so called mother. She has not changed an iota since his childhood. There is really nothing to work out here re her because this is who she is. You cannot apply the "normal" rules of familial interactions to someone like his mother, doing so is a waste of time. You will not ever have the relationship your perhaps still want with her so stop seeking her approval that she in any case will never give you.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend, his mother is no different. Its not your man's fault or yours she is this way; neither of you made her so (her own family did that).

Your man's reactions are key here; what does he think of his mother now?. You do not have to in any way maintain a relationship with this person just because she is his mother. You need to establish and further maintain boundaries; what is and is not acceptable from her here.

Can he also assert his own self and look out for you also when he is at all in his mother's presence?. it may well be that you will have to completely distance yourselves from her going forward as well; such people like his mother do not change nor take any responsibility for their actions.

I would give him a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point.

newmomof1 perhaps I didn't word it correctly. We were not expecting any money whatsoever but her response about a cheap hotel rather than a congratulations is pretty crap in my opinion! Couldn't care less where she stays! That wasn't my point!
Her priority here is herself not a simple congratulations for her son.

Luckily we don't see them much and my partner is very kind and doesn't speak badly about anyone. However he has said a few things in passing which is sad to hear.

Thanks AttilaTheMeerkat think I just needed reassuring that I shouldn't feel guilty for disliking her.
She won't change and my partner seems resigned about it

You should not feel at all guilty here. I would imagine that sadly your man has FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in spades hence the book suggestion.

You are really under no obligation to see his mother at all and you are right, she will not change. I would also keep any and all children you go onto have well away from her as well. Your parents are nice, concentrate your efforts on them.

You want advice...?

-Have as little to do with her as possible
-don’t encourage him to visit

if you must visit...
-Make excuses not to go 1 time in 3
-Trail your partner and be like glue. He makes a tea you go too (to “help”)

• keep it super bland and don’t make extra effort in conversation - just say “how nice!” “ how interesting!” Don’t engage in any of her BS.

the MUCH bigger issue here is the mooching family and him subsidising them.
You need to shut down the “loans” down ASAP.

I would be having a proper talk with your future DH...
Once you marry, your family is the priority not them. it’s family money, meaning you get a say and he must prioritise you and him.

Thanks Horsemenoftheaclopalypse great advice. I'm realising reading your message that I need to be strategic.

Luckily she is far far away and also my fiancé will always choose me over his mum because I think deep down he knows he's not had the best parenting/mum.
Most of his family are lazy and don't work for no other reason than laziness, they expect money, are drug users and don't see their kids he's naturally kept his distance.
Hes older now so refuses to lend money.

My mum is great to talk to and says just nod my head and get out of there.
Weirdly my sister had the same thing... Probably because she was the second wife and her Mil would openly asked her husband to leave her for his ex. They just laugh about it

We're planning on having kids and I can Imagine she won't care or see them whereas my mum will want to move in for six months .
Deep down I know my partner is upset with his mums lack of compassion, interest or basically being a mum
On the othehand my mum can be over bearing in a kind way because she wants the best.