DH Flirting

[BGM85]

Hi everyone,
i'm new to this but i need advice on how to approach this situation..
Been reading DH's messages for a while now with someone in particular he keeps flirting with.. he doesn't actually know i've read the messages as i'm afraid he'll get defensive if i bring it up.. he's quite stubborn as well and i hate any sort of confrontation as i end up just chickening out.. the worst part is that when we started dating, he would kick off if another man just paid me a compliment even if it was a complete stranger on the street.. i also had to stop talking to my exes even tho i assured him there was absolutely nothing going on with them..

any ideas on how i can bring this up without him knowing i've been reading his msgs.?🙈

I've asked for this to be moved to Relationships for you, you will get more responses there.

You posted in the wrong place. I think relationship board would be better.

I have no idea how to help you. If you don't like confrontation, maybe write him a letter and give it to him. Then he can't interrupt or derail you. But if the trust is gone then it is very hard to get it back. I personally would not like it if my dh was in contact with his ex, so I would also have asked if there was no more need to stay in contact to cut contact.

Hi OP, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic.

No, you're going to have to say you've read the messages and take it from there. You were obviously suspicious enough to think there was something up and start digging. Now you've found something you need to have a grown up conversation with him about otherwise this will fester for the rest of your relationship, building resentment and the trust is gone.

"Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with."

We all need to have tough conversations with our partners sometimes.

So he's flriting.
But... He will get defensive and stubborn.
If you can't have a conversation with your husband about an imminent affair then there is no hope for the longevity of this!
He sounds controlling as well.
What is your marriage like?
Are you equals?
Does he do his fair share of household chores?
Do you have DC together?
How long have you been married?
Do you regularly go out with friends and visit family?

@MrsGarethSouthgate @JoMumsnet many thanks for reposting to the right group

@Number3or4 @JeSuisPrest thank you both for the advice, much appreciated.. will defo be having a convo and i like the idea of writing the letter so i will start off with that to make sure i get everything out

@hellsbellsmelons i honestly won't say he's controlling but he is quite set in his ways, he's a bit old school.. he is very lovely i have to admit and things are really good with us, most of the time.. we have 1 DC and married 2 yrs..

How do you mean ‘kick off’ when another man compliments you? And not being able to talk to ExPs, does that extend to all men?
That’s really not ok OP.
Need more context re; the flirty msgs....are we talking cheeky, sexy or full on kisses and I miss you?
So far it sounds like he is controlling and possible shagging around....

He sounds like he's controlling and he's cheating on you
Ltb

Sorry OP but he sounds like a controlling arse.

Kicking off if you get complimented is not ok

Telling you that you have to cut all contact with ex's who remained friends is not ok

Set in his ways sounds like an excuse not to compromise and in a partnership that is not ok.

What do you mean by old school? Does he expect you to be subservient and not challenge him?

It sounds as if he is engaged in some kind of emotional affair or about to. You don't generally flirt with friends in messages that you keep secret from your wife. What made you read his messages in the first place?

Also what context do you mean flirty messages? Is it innuendos and compliments or is it more directly sexual?

If you do have the conversion with him be prepared for the usual crap script:

He will be outraged that you have looked at his phone and try to make the dominate the entire conversion about him being the victim as you have violated his privacy.

He will minimise the content of the messages and call them banter and tell you that you are overeating.

He will tell you that he is allowed to have friends and try to make you feel bad as he is lonely. He may even accuse you of trying to isolate him from his friends and try to make you feel like the controlling one.

He may use gaslighting strategies you until you start to question you own rational thoughts and feelings.