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Relationships

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Original poster

My DP doesn't have any friends

20 replies

CosmeticJunkie · 30/07/2007 14:43

That's it really. He's maintained 2 school friends for the last 20+ years. But they both live about an hours drive away (in different places) and we see them about once a year. We might see them more if it was me organising things, but they're still sort of 'dp's friends' even though we're all married etc and with children now.

It's a very difficult situation for me and has always been something I have wondered/worried about.

I have a few friends and feel that I make social contacts reasonably well, but dp never has, he really doesn't know anyone socially on his own terms i.e. not through me.
It's getting me down a lot.

Mainly I think it affects our relationship in a negative way, he has no-one to go out with and talk to about stuff, let off steam etc. Therefore, I get everything. I can sort of understand if he is a solitary person, I can't force him to make friends, but the problem is, I have a problem with it! Why can't he go out to the pub like other blokes?? He says he doesn't have time for things outside of work. He doesn't play any team sports, never has (only individual ones surprisingly!!).

I haven't raised my fears with dp, I'm too scared. Should I?

OP posts:

hoolagirl · 30/07/2007 14:48

I don't really have many friends either, I used to but through work/family I really didn't have time to maintain regular friendships.
My DP has more friends than me and perhaps puts more effort into keeping in contact than I do.
I don't really understand what the problem is. I presume that he talks to people at work, I have plenty of 'work' friends I can talk to but simply don't have time for a lot of socialising?

cornsilk · 30/07/2007 14:59

How did you meet your dp?

Theclosetpagan · 30/07/2007 15:00

If you have friends locally can any of their partners invite your DH out. My friend said to my DH (about her DP) "Next time you go up the pub can you take "Billy no mates" with you" and laughed. This was about six months ago and now DH and her DP (affectionately known as Billy now) get to the pub once every 8 weeks or so and enjoy it.

hippmummy · 30/07/2007 15:05

Even if he had lots of friends/pub mates he wouldn't necessarily talk to them about his 'stuff' or let off steam with them. Lots of men don't have that type of relationship with people they just meet socially.

I think that unless he is unhappy you should learn to accept it because there is no real reason for it you get you down.

lucyellensmum · 30/07/2007 15:39

So, you would prefer someone who, every friday night, possibly more, buggered off down the pub and left you to it?

My DP is exactly the same, he does have work friends but NEVER socialises with them EVER. It has always been this way, ever since we met 15 years ago. We do stuff together and if there are problems, well we are each others best friends so we confide in each other. I do have friends from work who in LBL (life before lucy)i socialised with regularly and sometimes, well quite alot actually DP would come with me, sometimes he would enjoy it, others he wouldnt. He is friends with one of my friends from uni, and occasionally we go out as a couple but he wouldnt go to the pub with him. He simply doesnt want to, doesnt enjoy it. My DP is peferctly happy with the way things are. I think now he would like US to have more time together to go out but finances and babies dictate otherwise.

Do you go out socialising with your friends? is DP ok with that? Do you ask him to come along or are you into those awful girlie nights where men are banished? interestingly, i have a group of girlfriends who i go out with occasionally, only all girls because they all workin the same place together, rather than girly nights, those nights DP never comes with. But my uni friends are mixed and he comes along and enjoys both the male and female company, but he would in all honesty prefer to babysit.

Count your blessings is what i say - perhaps he can't be doing with meaningless friendships, simply for the sake of socialising.

Original poster

CosmeticJunkie · 30/07/2007 18:46

Thanks for the comments, all interesting.
Corn, we met on holiday 10 years ago, he was standing awkwardly in the corner and I made a beeline for him That was about 10 years ago.
Hipp - Based on the kind of friendships he has had in the past (but not maintained) and the conversations he does have with his schoolfriends when we meet, I think he would have more 'deep and meaningful' conversations. That's the thing. I know he wouldn't go out 2 or 3 nights a week and 'leave me to it'. He'd be considerate and come home in good time and would talk about his work, which he often finds stressful, being a parent, hopes and dreams, that's what he's like. The talk wouldn't be the latest Playstation game and so on.

The other thing is, he does often moan about our social life and ask why we don't have more people over, why aren't invitations reciprocated etc As far as he's concerned, it's my job to bring the social life to him, he's said as much.

I don't have a big group of friends, but I have girlfriends I go out with for drinks or dinner or whatever. I admit being a sahm has allowed me much more time for that sort of thing, 'making friends'.

A while ago he was involved in a social thing at our gym, but stopped going (time pressures). After those evenings, he would come back so alive and buoyed up, it was great!

I don't really know what to do for the best. I think he would like some independent friends, but I do think he's worried about something, rejection maybe, not fitting in coz he doesn't ever watch football..?I'm not sure.

OP posts:

MissM · 01/08/2007 09:39

CJ, I sympathise entirely. My DH has one good friend. He gets on well with other people, but socialises rarely. Even with his one friend he never opens up, never lets off steam as you put it. I find this puts me under loads of pressure and I often resent this as I am solely responsible for our social life and always have been. It also means that he gets lots of space when he needs it as I'm very sociable and will go out, whereas he rarely goes out and I desperately need some evenings at home alone.

He chooses this way of being so I don't try to change it (you can't force someone to make friends), but I do find it hard work too. I don't have any solutions, only empathy!

Marne · 01/08/2007 09:55

Dh has no friends other than the people he works with, it does'nt bother him at all. I have a few friends but not loads but it does bother me as i like people to talk to and i like to go out with someone other than dh.

If your dp is happy with no friends i dont see a problem as long as he does'nt mind you having friends.

hellobello · 01/08/2007 11:11

Dh is the same! Sometimes it feels a bit lonely and sometimes dh moans and groans that nobody likes him. This isn't actually true, but I don't think dh likes many people and probably can't be bothered with them (or is that me?).

earlgrey · 01/08/2007 11:13

Nor does mine. He's 69. When I have my pals round, he's always there, chewing their ear off. I always say to them 'get your own flippin' friends'.

Don't know if he's just nosey, but, FGS sometimes you just want girlina chat. And he butts in. Always.

Haylstones · 01/08/2007 11:20

My dh is very similar. He doesn't drink and isn't keen on social situations so it's quite hard, as you sayI get the brunt of everything be it work or home life.
Dh has quite a lot of friends from school and uni but they are all far away so we only see them a couple of times a year with not much contact in between. I have quite a large circle of friends that I see regularly (although mostly during the day). He has friends from work that he sometimes plays golf or goes cycling with but generally he doesn't go anywhere.
I'd second the idea of getting together as couples with some of your friends; we have a couple of 'couple' friends that we sometimes spend a day with when the blokes go golfing and we play with the kids (we also went capming for wkend recently- was fab and dh really enjoyed it despite some reservations)

WideWebWitch · 01/08/2007 11:34

I've got same prob, will read and post later

Filchymindedvixen · 01/08/2007 11:38

me too ditto!

Wickedwaterwitch · 01/08/2007 13:13

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Wickedwaterwitch · 01/08/2007 13:20

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KTeePee · 01/08/2007 13:41

Sort of same situation here.

I think it partly due to where we live... when I worked full-time I didn't have any "local" friends either - most people at work lived elsewhere so drove to work, making it harder to do things like go out after work. Dh has always got on well with people at work but has changed jobs several times since we've been together and hasn't kept in touch once he's moved... he's also a bit of an "all or nothing" person - gets cheesed off if he feel's that he's making all the effort or people don't return emails, etc so has lost touch with a lot of the friends he'd had since school/uni. And tbh none of them live near us anyway....

Most of my friends pre-kids were from school/uni with a couple from my first job (and I still keep in touch with all of them) but I am a lot more relaxed about the keeping in touch thing - we just pickup from where we left off when we do eventually meet up, even if we haven't spoken for several months....

I only made friends locally when I was on maternity leave firstly and then when I eventually became a sahm. And unfortunately, with most of the women I've got to know, I can't see dh becoming best buddies with their husbands - nothing wrong with the blokes as such....

There has been a slight breakthrough recently when he worked for a bit with a bloke who only lives a few miles away. They have kept in touch and now go out for a drink/curry every few months...

I do think making new friends is harder as you get older (especially if you don't live in the area you grew up in) and when you are not living and working in the same town....

KTeePee · 01/08/2007 13:45

Just read WWWs old thread and found I'd posted on that too!

amidaiwish · 01/08/2007 14:28

"A while ago he was involved in a social thing at our gym, but stopped going (time pressures). After those evenings, he would come back so alive and buoyed up, it was great!"

why don't you tell him that you loved seeing him like this and encourage him to get involved again. he may feel he is away from home enough with work to then do non essential things?

i feel the same about dh, he travels a lot with work so doesn't like to then leave us again to go out etc. in many ways i am lucky, i don't have a grumpy hungover dh at the weekend but at other times i would like to see him go out and enjoy himself a bit more.

Filchymindedvixen · 01/08/2007 19:08

lol kteepee, me too!

Original poster

CosmeticJunkie · 02/08/2007 07:44

Hi Everyone, Thank you so much for all your comments, I was beginning to think I was deeply alone. I don't have any time to post in detail right now, but I will. I really, really appreciate all the posts, you have no idea!

OP posts:

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