Being happy in a less sexual relationship than previous one.

[DoctorMoribundus]

Have been with DP for 1.5 years. I'm 39, he's 41. He's a truly fantastic person. Warm, intelligent, kind, generous, fab with my DC, he makes me howl with laughter, best kisser I've ever been with (might sound teenage but these things matter!), we want the same things from life, we enjoy the same stuff etc etc. We don't live together yet. Everything is ticking along in a very middle-aged contended way.

Except I have this one little niggle in my brain. Up until this point in my life I've always been massively motivated by and interested in sex. My last relationship before DP was probably dysfunctional in all the ways that really matter but the sex was off the charts, mind-blowing. My ex made me feel like the most desirable woman in the world and my self-confidence has never been higher than that period of my life. I felt so alive and permanently giddy.

Simply put, DP and I don't have that passion. We have really good sex, he's open minded and enthusiastic. He always makes sure I come. But it's not that crazy intense, primal lust that I felt with Ex. And I miss that . Plus DP's sex drive is lower than mine and I sometimes feel a bit sad that he doesn't want to rip my clothes off tbh.

I know that what DP and I have is incredibly special and lovely and I really do want to be with him but I worry that if I feel like this so early on in the relationship, am I going to continue to feel this way as time goes on?

Any tips?

Hopeful bump.

Plus 🍫

I'm not sure... like you, I've always been interested in active and passionate sex life. It does sound as though you have a good sex life, though, even if slightly less intense than your previous ones. Could the sex in the dysfunctional relationship just have seemed really good because the rest of the relationship made you upset / insecure?

Thanks fire.

I don't think that was it. A lot of the problems in my previous relationship were down to me tbh. I'm finally taking steps to work on these longstanding issues via counselling.

But the physical attraction was instantaneous and unwavering for the 4+ years we were seeing each other. I don't want him back but I do feel very down at the prospect of never feeling that way again.

Am worried that if my current relationship progresses in traditional way (co-habiting, marriage) our sex life will suffer and I'll end up frustrated. I realise that it's up to us to try and ensure that doesn't happen by making an effort etc but I feel less sexy these days because I am not convinced that DP has the raging horn for me and that translates as me not feeling confident in putting myself out there sexually. Fear of rejection maybe?

Eurgh 😟

The best sex I've ever had was recently in an abusive relationship. Over the years my sex drive has peaked and troughed and, at 42, I'd like to meet someone who will be kind, put the recycling out and make me a cup of tea with the odd orgasm chucked in.

MrsJasonIsbell (😍 him btw) I know, I know and that's how I feel too most of the time too.

DP really is wonderful and has been so supportive of me as I've started counselling etc. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts. I guess it's like I'm having to admit to myself that I've entered a new stage of my life, a comfy, cosy one as opposed to a wild and sexy one and that's going to take a bit of adjustment.

Being simplistic it sounds like you define yourself by your sex life / sexual attractiveness. Thats a hiding to nothing and is no better than a junkie chasing the dragon.

Each of us have different sexual approaches and some just arnt the clothes ripping type.
Sexual chemistry can be fleeting, emotional chemistry pretty much lasts a lifetime.

I know which I’d choose

Ok. I must admit, I prefer a partner to have the raging horn for me as well! Hmm... if you're unhappy for any reason there's nothing wrong with ending it. Would just be a shame to end up regretting it. Who knows though, you might meet someone with all the plus points plus a horn that rages!

I know what you mean.
For me having my ex want me all the time tie in to my self esteem.

But it didn't mean he loved me.
It didn't mean I was 'good' enough.

My dh was the same in the beginning (as my ex) and I must admit when things slowed down a bit late 40's I was a bit

But now a days I find I am taking the lead instead.

And the sex is good.

Dh is happy.

And once I got over myself I'm happy too.

It's the love that is important.

I found I didn't need sex to make me feel good about myself anymore and develop a different but rewarding attitude to it.

Really helpful replies - thanks all 💐.

I have definitely defined myself by my sexual attractiveness in the past. Sex was a huge part of my life, have also done the open relationship thing in the past but have realised now I'm older that monogamy is actually my preference but I want monogamy with lots of sex (an oxymoron?)

Definitely don't want to end things with DP for some 'grass is greener' ideal of a "perfect" man who likely doesn't exist. I really do love him and want to be with him.

Build something different then. No two men stroke relationships are ever the same. Dont compare. Build x that's what I'd do.