How do you grieve a mother who never really wanted you?

[Brownwool]

-Despite her narcissistic protests that she did.. & how she did everything for you & was always there for you no matter what...

My mother actually abandoned me as a child. Walked off & left me. Mind you, she wasn't present even when she was around. I was there to serve her needs, not the other way round. I want to grieve this & get over it once & for all...

I suspect you fork out for a shit load of therapy. And stay the hell away from the person that should have been your mother. . .

Yep therapy. And knowing that you were a kid and it was all beyond your control. Hopefully also find the great women out there instead whether friends or family to be role models.

In the same boat op often find my self askint the same question.
It's them with the issues remember that nothing you say will ever change them

I feel for you OP. I remember telling my mum in an argument 'its like you just resent us and hate us'. Her response, cold as day: 'of course I resent you. You ruined my life'

Sad fact of life is that some people are just not suited to having children and being parents. I hope you find a way through.

Brownwool are you on the Stately Homes thread? Huge support there, advice and hand-holding. You can move on, honestly.

Therapy will help you see it all clearly, then you will grieve for what you and she did not have and remember the few good times you had.

It won't happen overnight but, gradually, you'll feel better and stop looking back.

Watching with interest.

My 'mother' walked out on me. Literally moved away one weekend when I was with relatives, didn't bother to inform anyone. I haven't seen or heard from her since. Only heard through mutual relatives that she wants nothing to do with me.

I know it's her loss and it's nothing to do with me. But ultimately how do you ever get past the fact your own mother didn't and doesn't want you. It has caused me a lot of damage and has taken me until into my 30s to come to terms with it.

for you all who have gone through this.

Mine gave my brother and me to my dad when they separated. She said she wasn’t being “lumbered” with us. She kept our sister who was one at the time. We visited her every Sunday for lunch, which I hated doing.
She never once gave me a hug, explained why she didn’t want us, we never spent a birthday, Christmas or holiday with her. I felt totally unloved and obviously thought I’d done something terribly wrong.
It’s affected my life so much- I can’t make friends, have very low self esteem and massive anxiety issues.
At the age of 52 I started going to therapy- someone who specialises in how childhood affects you. It’s starting to sort me out and I’d recommend it to everyone in this situation.

The most important things I’ve learnt so far is that my mother was a deeply inadequate person, and her behaviour was not my fault. She failed in many areas of life and I’ve stopped feeling so angry towards her because I now actually feel rather sorry for her and the life she had.
I’m also learning not to think that every other person I meet, is my mother. I don’t need to worry that they don’t like me, or that they’ll think I’m stupid or irritating. This is has been so liberating and I only wish I’d started therapy years ago!

Please find a good counsellor, even if you only go a few times it really will help.

I think you grieve the mother you should have had and deserved, not the mother you actually got.

It’s shit and unfair, but once you become more at peace with it, it is easier.

DSis and I were discussing this very recently. Our M walked out and never looked back. She is likely to die in the near future. We've come to the conclusion that we won't grieve, we did that years ago when she abandoned us.

Write a letter to her. This letter isn't to be sent it's to get all your feelings and thoughts onto paper. Once written put it in an envelope and do as you wish with it; leave in a drawer/box or even burn it. Just write it.

I'm sorry, Brownwool. You've been treated awfully and you deserve better. 💐

I'm in the same boat too but I believe that the adult-child (a-k-a the normal reasonable one) ends up doing most of the grieving in advance of the parent's death because it's how we process the loss of the parent we wanted and deserved, vs the parent we actually got. It's crappy but that's how it is. When you think about it, we've been made to carry all the emotional load since birth anyway.

My mother is 85 now. We have no contact. I've already shed my own weight in tears and I'm all cried out.