Should I move near my semi estranged children

[FlakeyLurker]

3 years ago I moved to a cheaper part of Europe after separating from my ex when our kids were 22, 20 and 18. Separated because I felt pushed out of the family after a mental health episode 4 years before that

I work as a cleaner and felt that I simply couldn’t afford to live in the UK.

Now I’m getting a significant windfall from inherited shares.

Should I move back and live cheaply. The kids and I speak, but rarely, hey do feel hat I’ve left them, as well as their Dad and the UK.

The alternative is to be able to live much more comfortably here.

What should I be thinking about?

Either way I’ll be able to eventually leave them each a worthwhile inheritance.

I think that whatever you do you should try to build bridges with your DC. If they feel you abandoned them then you should visit and try to talk to them and explain why you did what you did. Do you live somewhere nice that they would potentially enjoy visiting? If so and you're able to buy somewhere bigger and nicer, would they come and stay? Do you have friends where you are now and a support system, or is all that back in the UK? I think I'd go where my quality of life was going to be better, but I couldn't imagine being estranged from my kids, wherever I lived.

Maybe talk to them about that?

Stay where you are. I don't think moving near them will go down well considering how things ended. It might feel fake or smothering for them.

Instead maybe you could write them a letter explaining things from your perspective back then and maybe apologising if it is due and stating that you would love if you guys could all be more in touch in future cause you would love to hear from them ect...' and hopefully, they will take the initiative to initiate more contact with you. And if they don't then you know they aren't ready.

Focus on making a nice life for yourself where you are.

Build a relationship with them first before uprooting yourself and spending money on moving.

As others have said, don't rush back, concentrate on rebuilding the relationship... and I would be wary about giving them too much financial information.

Why couldn't the kids have moved in with you? Why did they stay with your ex?

Build the relationships, maybe send them money for flights over to see you etc and see how it goes

At 22, 20 and 18, they probably made their own mind up where to be.

I don’t think you should move yet. Use some of the money to rent a holiday flat near where your family live for a few weeks and start building bridges perhaps?

Thank you all. A lot of food for thought. The eldest had left home, and she has visited and will again in September. I stay with her when I visit the UK (and also with my Dad).

The youngest had not talked to me in several years before I left, he felt that his own difficulties with depression had put me in hospital (hypomanic) when he was 14. He now is a little better my ex says and gets on well with his new wife. My middle one I hoped would stay close. She had been the most clingy young child (in quite a nice way) and she has agreed to stay in touch, but feels that I am not really part of her family any more.

I live in a lovely part of Spain and I've offered flights etc in the past.

I have new friends here, and a non serious boyfriend. I've been very happy here (simply putting the kids out of my mind a great deal) and the change of circumstances is actually quite unsettling.

So your middle one feels like you abandoned her and your youngest blames himself for your MH crisis. You just need to talk to them OP. They're adults now, so hopefully they will understand when you explain your reasons for moving away. Also, there comes a time in every DC's life when they need to see their DPs are independent people too. You'll always be their DM, but you're entitled to your own life too, even on in another country. There are plenty of cheap flights to Spain these days and lots of Brits who've relocated there, so it's not like you've run off to the far side of the world.

As for you, you sound happy and settled in Spain. I wouldn't give that up unless it's really what you want. Don't move back to the UK just to be closer to your DC as they may well not appreciate it or thank you for it. They're grown up now with their own lives it sounds like you'd be doing it for them, rather than for yourself. You can still be a good and loving DM to them in Spain.

I can't help feeling there is a huge back story here OP.

You had a mental health episode that left you feel isolated from your family and then chose to move abroad.

Nothing like a few thousand miles to "isolate" you from your children

Apologies for being harsh but on the basis of your OP I'm left wondering, what did you expect?

Now a windfall...and it seems you want "move" back into their lives after - to paraphrase your OP - they hate you for moving away?

Impossible to give advice without knowing why you moved abroad tbh.

Moving back, does not guarantee a relationship with your adult children. Your mental health may then suffer again.

You moved away when your kids were adults. So people judging you need to really grow up. How many father's have done this? Many and even when their kids are still mere children.

Life your best life OP while still extending your hand to your kids.

You definitely need to work on your relationship with them. It has nothing to do with where you live. I live a 10 hour flight from my mum. We have a perfectly fine relationship. It would be nice to live closer, but it isn't an option (I moved away and am settled and living permanently elsewhere with dh and dc who were born here). She couldn't really move here if she wanted to. But my stepdad is completely estranged from his dc. He used to live about 20 minutes from them. It didn't matter.

Can you plan to travel back more regularly to see them on their home turf? I think asking them to visit you is quite a lot. You are the parent and should be the one making the effort.

I agree talk to your children and build up the relationship.
I havent spoke to my mum for years. If she suddenly moved near me Id be moving away!! I know its not the same, but your kids may see your moving back as smothering and too much? I agree you need to visit them more on their turf. Build it up gradually.

OP you left when they were adults. You sound as if you've made a good life for yourself in Spain. Now you have more money maybe offer to pay for their flights to come and see you. Keep the lines of communication open but don't consider going back. They are unlikely to thank you for it.