Mental Load. Passive aggressive behaviour.

[jilltyrell]

Hello all, I'm posting because I feel bad about the way I spoke to my partner this morning. I have a 3 month old and am up several times in the night to breast feed him. I feel tired, but baby is lovely and I enjoy taking care of him. We are in the process of having some quite major building work done at our house.

I've had an ongoing problem with my partner that he seems to have little awareness of time, or tasks that need doing. He does very little in terms of household chores and does not use his initiative. He does do things if he is asked to. For example Thursday is bin day, and I've said that we both need to try and remember this. He never does and it's always my job to put them out. He is very busy at work and comes home between 8 and 9 o'clock each evening. However I suspect he doesn't watch the clock at work, similar to how he is at home.

In terms of the building work, I thought I would leave this to him - he appeared very keen, he is paying for it. However he was going to go with some very dodgy builders and tends to be very trusting and naive. So I've interfered and tried to put a halt to things before he loses his money.

Last night he slept on the sofa and I woke up at 6am to send an email. This is about the only time we get to discuss things together and contact people. I was trying to discuss what I was writing - but every sentence he had a problem with, and he was either not answering my questions, or yawning as he answered so I couldn't understand what he was saying. I was getting increasingly annoyed - so I ending up telling him that he has GOT to manage his time better if we are to get this all done. He needs to look at his watch - he is always telling me what a great watch it is, and its many functions - but he doesn't actually use it to be on time for things.

Is this passive aggressive behaviour? Or am I in the wrong? Is her really incapable of managing his time and being proactive. He claims he can't be proactive - he says he has to think things through very carefully and that's just his nature

I think you could have said a lot worse - having a 3 month is hard enough work without having to also look after a grown up man!

By the sounds of it he is not pulling his weight in the way you agreed. But I don’t think the way you are correcting him will do any good. You are making the classic error of being the home manager who delegates tasks to an uninvolved adult. They forget because it’s the managers responsibility to remind them and they know you will.

The bins are either your responsibility or his responsibility. Decide who does it and let that person do it entirely. That means not reminding them self or dealing with the consequences of forgetting. Don’t remind and don’t fix. If they are not out for the regular collection then he needs to take them to the dump.

Why are you getting involved in the building work? His job and his money. His loss.

I’m not sure writing emails at 6 am is worthwhile if he is tired. Let him do it or you do it when one of you has the time and is alert.

Thank you for your help. I'm just so upset. I feel like if I don't sort things out everything will collapse around me. I've just had someone at the door telling me that a building job is incorrect and we could be without power to my home. I'm trying to find out what to do and he won't answer my texts and says he's in a training session. I feel it's all left to me. So I do nothing? It means I won't be able to cook, or warm bottles. Or have hot water.

If he's in a meeting at work, you're going to have to come up with a resolution yourself.

I agree that you've put yourself in a management role. And in that role, yes your management isn't effective because you are too frustrated, which is making you somewhat aggressive.

You need to either step out of the management role entirely or look for more effective ways to manage the situation. If you want to manage, I would look at some techniques like SMART objectives for him, to help him better understand his position in achieving the household goals. Just Google SMART objectives for more information.

I shall look that up. I agree that my management isn't effective and I am frustrated. I ended up sorting out the building job by crying down the phone. Just come back from the school run - I realised I hadn't strapped my 3 month old properly into the car seat. I'm just exhausted. Last week, the lady in the charity shop told me that her late husband used to get up with her in the night as she breastfed her baby - she'd sit on the floor because she was afraid to drop the baby and he'd come and put her arm around her. That thought has just made me cry again...

If he can hold down a job and can function. He is choosing to forget the time/things that need doing, which makes him a lazy, disrespectful shit.

I'd have had much stronger words than yours. He really needs to step up and help you out. You must be exhausted. Tell him.

Sorry should have started: If he can hold down a job he can function

Thanks Green. In fact lazy and disrespectful are the same words that have been going around in my head today. I did ask him this morning if he really cares?? My 3 month old had his injections this morning - he knows about them, but not asked anything about them - and I doubt he will ask how he's been when he gets home. He rarely picks the baby up or give him a cuddle unless asked. He gets home too late to see him.

Oh no, so you're not getting much sleep with the baby either? That's awful. I feel for you. I remember those days well.

Possibly another solution if you do have a baby that isn't sleeping well is to cut down all housework to only that which is absolutely essential. I know it can feel overwhelming when the house is a mess - but it seems it's equally overwhelming trying to get it all done. At least if you let things slide, you're able to rest a bit more, even if it's just some down time with a box set. Could you set yourself up a few zones in the house you know you can manage, even when you are really exhausted and delegate everything else to DH?

And yes, another thing to remember with management is always be positive goal oriented. So carrot, not stick. If he does something well, lots of praise, if he doesn't, try just being neutral/a little bit cold.

I know you are upset that he's let you down, but I'm sure he's not doing it on purpose. He's probably just got different expectations to you. It's hard when you really need someone to be there for you and they're not. But try not to let it get to you.

Apparently the not hearing, not noticing, forgetting and procrastinating are typical passive aggressive traits. This is him in a nutshell and I wonder if I'm actually dealing with something bigger?

I think you might be. Does he resent baby arriving? Many men actually do as your attention is quite rightly spent on the baby instead of them, the poor little diddumses.

It doesn't sound as if he's an actively involved loving parent... does he see the baby at all during the week? No wonder you're knackered. You're doing everything AND having major building work done.

Thanks Petrol. I'm sure I'll feel differently tomorrow and more positive. It's difficult to delgate anything because he's not home til 9pm. He does do DIY type jobs at the weekend, but very, very slowly. I do think if I was a single mum it might bother me less as there is no expectation for him to help. I might go to my mums for a good few weeks over the summer holidays.

He sounds like he’s taking a lot for granted. He chancing it even if he’s not conscious of this because he knows you’ll do the brain work.

But. If you don’t tell him how it is he won’t know. Don’t feel guilty about that - and don’t bite your lip because when it does come out you might be snappier that you’d like

Thanks Green. I did wonder about that. I had a c section and he was very helpful the first couple of days (while his parents were around). When they left he suddenly got some sort of new set up on the TV and watched Top Gear and started helping less and less. I would not call him an actively involved loving parent. I think he certainly dislikes me.

I think staying at your Mum's for a few weeks sounds like a great idea.

it feels like some form of - very subtle - abuse. Possibly misogony?

Can you decamp to your mums? Or elsewhere? Until the building work is finished? 3 month old babies are hard enough as it is without dealing with building work. I think you'd find he'd magically sort the builders out when you weren't there!

Also, is this baby number 2? I found the transition to 2 very hard, with no builders involved. My DH really had to step up. Before number 2 I'd kind of fallen into a role where I did everything because I was about. You can't do that with 2... Could it be similar in your house?

I think it's naturally easy to feel resentful of your partner when you're stuck at home with a young baby and they're off gallivanting at work. A lot of people think maternity leave is a lark, when actually it's a lot, lot harder than a full time job. You've got a 24/7 job.

Maybe he just doesn't understand how hard things are for you. Does he have a relative who could have a word with him for you? Could you talk to his mum?