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Original poster

what to do when you can't trust someone and are unable to leave because you love that person?

35 replies

stuckforeverx · 18/07/2019 07:33

Completely in love with my boyfriend, we have a child together. I can't trust him because he is a narcissist and a player but I can't leave him because I just love him way too much, I would regret it and would wonder what could have been. He promised me that he would never cheat on me, but I don't believe him.
Feel kind of stuck and don't know what to do?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 18/07/2019 07:40

Rubbish. Sorry, but you only think you love him. You can't love someone if you don't trust them and/or they don't treat you well. You may be dependent on him, or scared of leaving because of not wanting to raise a child on your own, but it's not love.

Thingsdogetbetter · 18/07/2019 07:41

Change 'can't' to 'won't'. You CAN leave. You don't want to. CAN you live with the lack of trust. What makes you think he's a narc? I presume there is more to his behaviour than him having been a 'player'? Or is he still?

Love DOES NOT conquer all. Life is not a Hollywood film. You are not the leading actress who tames the player. You are an adult with choices. So is he, and he is CHOOSING his behaviour.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/07/2019 07:41

You have to love yourself first. You say he is a narcissist? You'll regret staying more than you will leaving.

LilouBlue · 18/07/2019 07:43

Has he ever given you reason, in your relationship, to not trust him? Or is this more that you knew him before and he was a player then?

It seems kind of senseless to say you can't leave because you would wonder what could have been, but also that you don't trust him. Because if you stay with him, that's what it will be like. Either he will prove you right and cheat on you, or you will go on not believing him saying he won't. Either way it's not a good relationship for you.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 18/07/2019 07:45

You can leave. You're choosing not to. You have agency and choices.

HeckingHeckHeck · 18/07/2019 07:50

What are you getting out of the relationship? What is it about him that you love? What would you need to change for you to feel happy and secure, and would he be willing to work with you on making changes?

You’re giving your time to someone who you can’t trust...if he does cheat on you (you seem to suspect he will), will you still stay with him? If yes, why? If no, why not leave him now and avoid that situation?

underthebridgedowntown · 18/07/2019 08:02

Put yourself and your child first. You know your partner never will. You'll be unhappy if you stay, you have the chance for happiness if you leave, and both you and your child deserve that.

FinallyHere · 18/07/2019 08:09

What have you learned in your life so far about how healthy, happy relationships work ? It might be useful to have some counselling to understand a bit more about what is in your head.

Loving someone who you do not trust is not a recipe for a happy life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/07/2019 08:16

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up then?.

Why are his needs seemingly more important than yours here?. Are you codependent in relationships and are you confusing love here with codependency?. Read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviours in this "relationship".

Quite apart from the above, if there is no trust there is really no relationship. It is also not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. Words are cheap too and he is probably telling you what you want to hear. You're still being played here.

You have a choice re this man; your child does not.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 18/07/2019 08:20

You’re incorrect. You can choose to leave him. Saying you ‘can’t’ leave him because you love him is nonsense, you can leave someone you love if you want to. Right now you’re choosing to remain with him, that’s completely your choice and nobody else can make it for you. When it gets past the point you want to tolerate/live with you’ll choose to leave. Why paint yourself as a helpless victim or circumstance? You’re not.

ChristmasFluff · 18/07/2019 08:23

What you have is not love.

Love can walk away. Love can look at the truth of a situation, and act on that truth. Love knows that without trust, there is no relationship anyway. Love can love from a (long) distance. Love begins with love for self, and with protecting self and those dependent upon them. Love is powerful and empowering. Love sees possibilities in letting go. Perfect love really does cast out fear.

Whereas addiction... Addiction cannot leave its fix alone. Addiction will keep taking the fix, even knowing it is harmful long term. Addiction feels powerless and prefers 'I can't' to 'I choose not to'. Addiction is driven by fear. Addiction acts like love, but is an imposter, and is nothing to do with love. It is dependency on the external, because there is no love for self.

'Love' addiction is real, and is biochemically similar to any other addiction. Begin to think of him as your addiction, and you will begin to see the way out - and also see why staying is going to work out as well as any other untackled addiction.

ChristmasFluff · 18/07/2019 08:28

Also, take a look at why he promised he'd never cheat on you. Has he also promised not to kill you? Has he promised not to steal from you, or chop up your clothes with a meat slicer? Why has cheating on you even crossed his mind?

If he promised either of those other things, it would raise all sorts of questions in your mind, as it should. As his promise not to cheat should.

Someone who wasn't going to cheat on you wouldn't even think to promise not to, because the possibility wouldn't even be on their mind.

ColdAndSad · 18/07/2019 09:32

You CAN leave him. To do that, you'd have to put yourself first. Show yourself love and compassion first. Recognise that living with him will only cause you pain, damage and heartache in the long run, and that you'll be better off having the grief of ending it now, rather than the huge damage that he'll do to you if you remain with him.

He doesn't love you. He will hurt you. Nothing you do will be good enough. Don't put yourself through it. You deserve so much better. Love yourself enough to end this now.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/07/2019 09:45

You put on your big girl pants and you grow up - because no one else out there is going to save you or do this for you.

BandsAndBeer · 18/07/2019 09:51

Nonsense. Of course you can leave. You're choosing to stay.

Once you accept that you are making a choice, it will be far easier to leave him and have the life you want and deserve.

You would wonder what could have been? Well more of this, I imagine.

Outlookmainlyfair · 18/07/2019 10:00

Why do you think he has cheated?

BookCzar · 18/07/2019 10:14

You leave anyway, because you have a duty to put yourself and your child first. You then work on yourself and your boundaries so you never fall for someone like him again. And it's not love, it's addiction and codependency.

ZestyMaximus · 18/07/2019 10:15

Replace 'but I love him' with 'but it will hurt... temporarily... then I'll get over it and life will be much better'. Then put on your big girl pants and move on.

Otherwise, to answer your original question of what will you do when you can't trust someone: You'll waste your life being miserable, suspicious and anxious while probably being cheated on.

Entirely YOUR choice.

boymum9 · 18/07/2019 11:44

I'm currently divorcing my ex h after 15 years together (since 16 years old) we have 2 young dc. I never trusted him (with reason) from the get go, always thought it would get easier to, or I would eventually, but he kept doing just little things that would set me back, even if it was just lying about pointless stuff that made me question things. He's also a compete narcissist which has only got worse over the years.

I finally snapped and realised what having little trust and his narcissism was doing to me (slowly over time I changed and my family only told me post break up! My dad was utterly relieved when I told him I was leaving), it's only been 7/8 months but I feel like a completely different person, so much of my day to day anxiety and anger has gone, I'm calm and happy and a better mother

sillysmiles · 18/07/2019 11:50

What do you do? You put your big girl pants on and realise you are an adult, deserving of respect and if he loved you he wouldn't cheat. And you walk away.
If he is a narcissist - he doesn't love you, you are just convenient.

You child deserves better than to think this is all that is expected in a relationship.

Luckingfovely · 18/07/2019 12:06

Yeah, this isn't love, it's obsession and dependance. Stop saying 'I can't' and put your big girl panties on.

You can choose to be miserable for the rest of your life being fucked about by a tosser.

Or you can split, live with a bit of short term pain and turbulence, and then realise what a lucky escape you had, and live happily ever after.

You choose Grin

unknownn · 18/07/2019 12:23

I was in your situation two weeks ago... i had trust issues day 1 just from my instinct with him..in the end i caught him talking to other women 3 times and each time i ended it with him, i ended up running back to him as i were emotionally attached to him. It took me a while to finally accept the fact he doesnt love me even though i felt like he did. He wouldnt make me feel this bad if he loved me. Once i managed to push through that initial heartbreak and major need to have him back, i could see clearly and realised that even though i couldnt see how life would be any better without him.. it IS. Living with trust issues is worse than going through a break up and breaking free from it. He also asked to marry me and i thank god everyday that i had the balls to say that i wanted wait, because i have found out now that he only wanted to marry me to trap me and make it harder for me to leave him, cos hes a control freak. Accept also that narcissists dont change, they are very clever and know the right things to say to fool you into believing they will change. But instead they just find new ways to hide things from you. You could be the most beautiful perfect woman on this earth, but a narcissist loves himself more than he ever will you, and he will always need reassurance from you and other women to keep his ego high.
The only way you can escape and win from this, is to leave him and act as if he doesnt exist. Allowing him to talk to you, only weakens your walls and lets him back in. Do not let the fact you are newly wed affect this, yes it may be awkward to tell your friends and family etc, but let go of that because this is your life, and you only get one. A year of pain and struggle would be better than a life time of it. All the best OP. xx

PickAChew · 18/07/2019 12:49

What you do is give your head a wobble. How can you be genuinely in love with someone who treats you like shit?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/07/2019 16:31

You sound very young. And sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to grow up, grow a pair of balls and stop putting up with being treated like shit.

The 'But I love' him bollocks is just that. Bollocks. If you truly love someone who cheats on you and treats you badly then you need therapy.

Original poster
stuckforeverx · 18/07/2019 18:53

I am not sure if he cheated on me or not. I know that before we were officially together he was seeing/talking to loads and I mean loads of women, he was on dating websites etc. I remember asking him if he was seeing other people and he said no (but he was)... but I suppose we were not boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so he was free to do what he wanted???
The only reason he promised me not to cheat is because I know about his past. I told him that if he wants to see loads of different women then he should be honest with me and he can go and live that life. He told me that he chose to be with me and he wants to be with me and that he would not cheat on me.

OP posts: