When your ex won't take kins overnight

[summer151]

It's really hard as I haven't stayed overnight anywhere or have not even gone out on my own for an evening since we split up may 2018. I know he refuses to take the kids in the evenings and overnight as a way of controlling me so I cannot have a life outside of the house and maybe even meet someone. He said don't think u can fob the kids off on him anytime I want to do anything so don't ever ask!!!!I find it all so depressing as he pays minimum maintenance so all of my wages goes on mortgage and bills wen he gets to do wat he wants Even tho or was his actions that caused the breakdown of the marriage. I am the one who is constantly struggling with everything. It's not fair and this is not the life I expected. I'm sorry for the rant I'm just very fed up..,,

Well you’re well shot of him first of all.

Now you need to work on building your life and infrastructure as a single mum. I’m assuming you’ve no family you can ask for a bit if babysitting or help? Try to make friends that you can do reciprocal babysitting with or find a young neighbour you could save up and pay for a few hrs every couple or weeks or months so you can get out by yourself.

What age are the kids? None of this is forever.

That's awful. Could your car break down one day so you can't get home and he at least has to have them in the evening so you can go out for dinner?

Take him to court and get something legal drawn up and go through cms for the maintenance

There will be another woman in a similar position somewhere near you. Reach out. Talk and see if you can come to a mutual baby sitting agreement. You have kids one night. Next weekend she has them. Kids get friends. You get nights out. Both get a rest from childcare. Either that or pay a baby sitter.

Yes he should take them overnight but you divorced him for a reason so find alternatives!

I was in your position and I had a friend the same. We'd stay at each others homes some weekends, go on picnics with the kids, then had a girly evening with booze when they went to bed. Also baby sat for each other (with all the kids!) when one of us had a rare evening out.

A court can’t make him have them overnight or at all if he doesn’t want to.

My exh is the same and barely sees the dc at all and yes, he does it as a form of control (says he’s not my babysitter.) Plus minimal child maintenance as he pretends he doesn’t work.

You just have to employ a babysitter and it’s a military operation and costs a fortune to go anywhere.

If your ex is like mine he will never change (8 years here.)

I would like to say it gets easier as they get older but in a way it doesn’t as they need evening childcare until they are a good age. If they are little, put them to bed at 7 and off you go!

Tanx to all who replied and gave some advice. I don't have any friends in the same position but would love to meet people in the same boat. I'm from Ireland and don't know where or how I could need single parents in the city I live in. Does anyone have any suggestions as to where I could meet other single mothers? Thanks in advance

My ex was the same , everything was about control. He'd never turn up to collect the children when arranged because he knew I'd be sat in waiting. Would not have them overnight. Has never provided financially. Did not think child care expenses were anything to do with him. Eventually I just stopped texting him asking why he never turned up as after 4 years it became very boring and repetitive and mostly emotionally damaging to my children. This he did not like so took to harassing me at every opportunity. At my work, on my way home from work, at the school, at my home. Eventually I got a restraining order on him because he was not interested in the children one bit. He just wanted to control me. Told me he would never see the children again if I had a baby with someone else. We had been separated for 7 years fgs. Anyway I did move on and have a baby this combined with the restraining order means he has had no contact with his children for 3+ years. His own choice. Judge set up a hearing about contact. He never showed which said it all really. Some men just do not care a day about their children they only care about controlling the ex. Oh and he was also the reason the relationship ended serial cheat and prolific drug user. Well shot.

I'm not on FB, but are there any local communities there? As you live in a city, there should be lone parent meet ups of some kind? Also try posting on the parenting site here?

God.. u poor thing that sounds horrendous. I cannot even think what way he would be if he ever saw me with anyone else. I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone else as I really think it would push him over the edge and god knows wat he would do to the other person or me. He has said that to me. That my life wouldn't b worth living. I know it's probably all talk but still.... I cannot stand him....well done to u for moving forward and rebuilding ur life

There’s an app called Mush, it’s a bit weird because it’s set up like Tinder but it’s basically other Mum’s in your local area. Alternatively maybe try finding a local FB group? Or take your DC along to extra curricular activities if you can afford it (some are very cheap or even free).

It’s hard, I understand. It does get easier though.

summer he cannot be alllowed to control your life like that. Of course you're not ready to have another relationship yet, but in the future you probably will.

My ex said all the same things. He turned up at my door at 3am telling me to get my boyfriend outside for a fight. I didn't even live with him we had only been seeing other for a couple of months, he had also brought his crying girlfriend along for the ride, emotionally abusing her also in the process aswell as emotionally harming my sleeping children. The man is unhinged. It gets to the point where you have to ask yourself what this man is providing for your children. In my case it was nothing except for emotional harm. It's been tough on my children but not as tough as it would of been had I have continued to let this man control my life and damage my children. And these are the questions you have to ask yourself. Would your ex consider some sort of mediation so you can nip this in the bud asap

You can’t make him have them unfortunately. My ex won’t have my kids at all! Hasn’t seen them in 2 years and my 5 year old has never been the his house! So at least he has them some times even if it’s not over night. Better than nothing.

Could you start a meet up group for other parents in this position?

I say parents because, although I know it's usually mums, I have known two dads in this position.

Urgh what a controlling idiot, even though it is tough now you are much better off without him. It always amazes me as to how some parents think that spending time alone with their children constitutes as babysitting.

How old are your children?

There are some Irish sites like mindme where you can find local babysitters but obviously it can be quite expensive so may not be practical. Social media often has information on community groups and events taking place locally. One family is a single parent site that offers information and days out etc but that seems to be mainly Dublin based.

My DP has an ex wife like this, they have a custody agreement and she changes on the required day, asks him to have them extra days: which is great, then the night before cancels knowing he’s took a day off work. They just can’t accept the loss of control and try everything to maintain it andfuck your life up. Try and get some kind of mediation or formal agreement.

I have one of those exes here too. 2 years this month and not a single overnight and bare minimum maintenance. It's so wearing.

However I'm lucky to have made friends who are either in similar position or just want to help. We do reciprocal childcare and weekends hanging out together, drinks after kids bedtime etc. My dc are v young so I have many years ahead of this so have had to come to terms with it rather than drive myself mad trying to force him to see them (never worked).

If I were in Ireland I'd be your friend! You need to reach out to other parents.

Suggestions for places to try. Online there’s a website called Meetup. You type in your city and all of the groups including parenting groups come up. Then you join the groups and off you go. How old are your children? Try contacting local preschools as often the staff do babysitting for extra money. Also have a look at local meet-ups on the Netmums website. There’s also a website called gingerbread which is for single parents. You can do this. Don’t let him win.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/