Moving On

[ThisIsTheFirstDay]

Hi there,

I'm after some advice really, with regards to how to heal and move on following an abusive relationship.

I was in a 4 year relationship that ended last year but we continued to see each other on and off up until May/June of this year. The contact ended a few days after I had a termination.

The relationship itself was volatile, when we moved in together he became physically abusive alongside the emotional abuse he had been doing a few months after we met. I now go to therapy and I have done the online freedom project.

We last had contact when we met up following the termination, he was absolutely vile to me. He said that I was using the termination as an excuse to be upset, he screamed in my face, shoved me and said some other awful things. (I would like to say, this is mostly because I was in absolute hysterics, unable to talk and just devastated/heartbroken) After this, I continued to message him, to beg him to speak to me and as I wasnt handling the abortion very well I wanted to speak about that too (I havent told anyone in real life aside from my therapist so had to go through the termination entirely on my own - he was cruel throughout and didnt even offer to support me during the final appointment/procedure). I have not heard from him since. 17 days ago (and counting!) I decided to stop messaging him, I knew this was the only way I could ever truly move on once and for all. In the year that we have been broken up this is the longest I have ever managed no contact.

I feel like I'm doing well (for me!) in terms of not contacting him but what I'm really struggling with is the actual 'moving on.' Even though it has been around 55 days since we last had contact every single time I check my phone I hope to have a message from him. I know this wont happen and I also know that it's for the best but that longing is still there. Sometimes it's a dull ache in the back of my mind, other times it's really intense - but he is always there.

He does still occupy most of my thinking time but I can forget about him if I'm busy at work, walking the dog, out with family/friends etc. I just dont know how to fully cut those ties, give up hope and get over him.

Is time my only answer? Does anyone have any hints/tips? I apologise for this garbled post, any advice really is appreciated and I wanted to give a bit of background.

I have posted about this before, I cant remember under what username!

I think time is the only answer, yes, and keeping busy. Try to be so busy you don't think about him if you can. I know it's hard, I'm splitting up from my partner too, we've attempted this many times, but then keep messaging and going back to each other. It's making me ill and it has to stop, but it's very difficult. Can you hide his messages do that you choose just once a day to check for them and otherwise not. Or block him completely?

Hope things improve for you. He sounds pretty shitty.

Time is the answer and meeting someone often helps w distraction. It took me a year to get over my ex. Best advice is cut contact. I would get a fresh start and change phone numbers so he can’t contact you. My ex would contact me every so often and I wasn’t able to ignore which made it much more difficult. Keep yourself busy and go out.

Im going through the exact same thing at the moment! I completely understand how you feel. I am at my 21st day of no contact. Some days are absolutely fine and i feel good and positive. Then the next im boiling with anger at what he did to me. And then the next im deeply sad and want his affection and love more than anything.
Its just a fact of thinking with your sensible head and knowing what is really best for you, and not letting our weak hearts win. But is sooo much easier said than done. Its crazy that we can let people treat us so badly yet want them so much? Unfortunately though people that make us feel like we need them and want them so much that treat us badly, often have us caught up in their control, and play abusive emotional mind games with us to make us believe we NEED them in our lives when we dont. Ive done a lot of research into this recently to try to understand how someone that 'Loves' me can hurt me. These people are just control freaks and breaking free is the best thing to do 100%.
Time for me seems to be the only answer cause i still miss him so much! But id say research into how his twisted mind works, cause after i did that i realised how messed up and horrible he is, and it helps me to hate him and stay away from him xx

Thanks everyone, for your replies.

I do keep contemplating blocking him and then maybe checking my blocked messages once a week or so. I am able to do that with my phone. I think I'm just too worried at the moment about this none existent message going 'missing'!

I have managed go keep myself busy, its more when I get in bed at night and then all of those thoughts start creeping in. I'm still a lot better than I was though. I dont think he will contact me to try and pull me back in, too much has gone on now.

Sounds like you're doing really well unknownn, keep it up! It really is just arguing with your logical side, but as you said, far easier said than done! I have sent you a message too. X