Teen and stepdad

[WhateverName2]

My teen is out of control.. no school, cigarettes, weed etc. Adhd, tourettes,, depression, psyciatric attension, but no help in school or at home.
And to add to the fun, a step dad of 10 years who really is not coping. He has 2 adult perfect kids, and has no clue how to act. His way is "hard against hard" (im not english and lack words) and conflict are through the roof.
We have 6 weeks holiday and today is hard. Stupid conflict in car, resulting in ruined lunch at my moms, both teenager and dh leaving, leaving me with little sister and me with my mom. Dh came back, went home dh went to bed with headache - 🤮 - son is with friend.
Tomorrow we are supposed to go to pre booked insanely expencive animal park shelter and both son and dh are pissed. And i am here with little sister.
Sometimes i want divorce. Dh is seriously shitty at relations. But good at everything else. Teenage son is out of control. No help with him from city council. Big family who love him - thank god- what the fuck to do Tomorrow, besides bring wine and shitloads of candy?? Son is on his way home now. Mostly angry with dh, and worry about ds future. And little sister living in this..

Which came first, the perfectionist stepdad who believes in strong discipline or the bad behaviour? He could be fighting back against hard step dad?

If step dad is storming off (?) when things get difficult then he's not exactly acting like an adult. When you say stepdad can't cope, what do you mean? Shouts, storms off, over reacts, out of proportion punishments? Dpez he expect your dc to be perfect like his children? None of these reactions will help, they'll make things worse.

If school is being crap, you need to get tough with them. Demand help. If he is statemented, then insist on support. There are charities that can help. Unfortunately help won't come to you, you need to chase, persist and pester!

Things were better when child were younger. Dh is confrontational type. Doesnt make things better. Has shit relationship with perfect children.
Fighting to get help with teenager. Might succed soon.
Little sister love dh. If i leave, i loose home and job.
Cant see wood for trees.

Dh is so good in so many ways, but has no clue how to maintain relationship. Fuck.
Son home soon. He is most important and also most difficult. Not dh fault- but his reactions dont help..

Thank you for your reply - i sit here alone, feeling lost. Dh gone to bed with "headache" - leaving everything to me..

Unfortunately, if he has shit relationship with his own 'perfect' dc, he may really not know how to parent. Lots of people find younger kids easier because they are easier to control. Stepdad finds your dc's 'inability' as a teen, let alone a teen with sen, to conform to his ideas of behaviour unacceptable. Teens fight back, push boundaries, refuse to do as they're told. If stepdad confronts and shouts he is making the situation worse and that IS his fault.

How does dc feel about stepdad? Have you asked him what he needs?

You might find family mediation helps. Might! Or it might be too little to late.

Why would you loose job and home if you separate? Perhaps some legal advice on the possibilities of separating might put your mind at rest.

And your daughter might love him now, but I'm presuming she hasn't got to the age of pushing boundaries yet. Do you really think it will be much different to what's happened with the three children he's already got crap relationships with so far?

My son has said he is ok, regardles. He doesnt care if ee split, as sd usually work and stay out of his way.
I loose job, as i have mental issues and lack of work resulted in dh made compagny and hired me. He work many hours, not paid. Im the only one getting paid.
Daughter is 11. And so easy. She love the- private- school, the life. Both kids only mine
She has known dh since She was 15 months.
Dh is good in so many ways. But conflict, problems he is so bad. Dont know what is Best. Dh make my life better, personally, and usually he dont make problems eith son. But as son getting more teenager..

It sounds like your DH needs strategies with how to deal with DS. Your son’s behaviour does sound challenging and I hope you receive help with him soon. Maybe your husband is annoyed that he works many hours unpaid and your son can’t be bothered going to school and is buying drugs. Where does he get money to buy them? Is your husband going without so that you have money to give to your son to buy drugs?
If you love your husband I’d suggest therapy together before you split.